Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

He doesn't want the baby

24 replies

Kangaroo500 · 21/08/2020 14:51

I found out I'm pregnant with DC3 a couple of weeks ago. Already have DD (6) and DS (4) and this is a total surprise to me and my partner. After the initial shock I'm starting to like the idea of a third child as I always thought i would end up with 3. My partner however has made it very clear that he is not happy to go ahead and would prefer me to have a termination. He has given lots of reasons for not wanting a third child. All the usual reasons-money, space, effort! I'm shocked by his reaction and feel almost like it shows a huge lack of empathy, respect and just plain decency towards me. His reaction has made me question the whole relationship and I am now considering the termination-not to make him happy but because I'm not sure I want another child with a man who I am starting to to now dislike as a result of his reaction to this! Am I overreacting? Should I just carry on with the pregnancy and hope he gets on board? I know men aren't all the same but I wondered whether his reaction is actually not so unusual...anyone out there with a similar experience??

OP posts:

physicskate · 21/08/2020 15:08

Why don't men like this get the bloody snip??!

ivfdreaming · 21/08/2020 15:11

I guess the pertinent questions are how are finances currently worked within the family? Do you work? Is he correct in that you neither have the space nor can you afford a 3rd baby??

Coriandersucks · 21/08/2020 15:14

He’s entitled to his opinion but at the same time, if he is so against having another baby he should have thought of it before going through the motions of making one.

Lightsonnobodyshome · 21/08/2020 15:14

It doesn't matter if he's correct or not. He shouldn't be suggesting a termination.

Lightsonnobodyshome · 21/08/2020 15:16

I really don't like the tone of your post ivfdreamin. If you're pregnant, you're pregnant. There are no hurdles to jump to get to keep the baby any more than there are barriers to getting a termination.

MondeoFan · 21/08/2020 15:16

If you have a termination it needs to be a joint decision otherwise there will always be resentment there. If you really want the child you need to tell him and discuss from there.

ivfdreaming · 21/08/2020 15:19

@Lightsonnobodyshome

I don't like your tone either - no one should be forced into keeping a baby that they don't want and that includes men.

If they financially CANNOT afford one then they should think twice about continuing? Or do you just expect the poor sod of a man just to go out and find the money to support as many kids as a woman wants ???

Terrace58 · 21/08/2020 15:20

He made his choice when he didn’t get a vasectomy after feeling like he was done with having kids.

I hope whatever decision you make ends up working for you. It’s a touch position to be in without the support of your partner.

Chezacheza · 21/08/2020 15:21

It’s your body he can’t tell you what to do with it.

Where do you go from here though?

Keep the baby and he leaves.
Termination and you split up.

You need to work out what is really important to you right now. The pregnancy or the life you have now.

Chezacheza · 21/08/2020 15:26

I don't like your tone either - no one should be forced into keeping a baby that they don't want and that includes men

Well tough because the deeds done. If she decides to keep the baby he legally has to to support it. A man doesn’t get to dictate a woman has a termination.

And yes if he’s still sleeping with her unprotected then she can have as many kids as she wants.

Coriandersucks · 21/08/2020 15:32

He hasn’t dictated she gets a termination, he has said he would prefer it.

Op I would just keep talking to each other as honestly as possible, don’t rush into making any big decisions and take into account the emotions will be high on both sides for a while so try and give each other the benefit of the doubt until you can get your heads around it.

Lightsonnobodyshome · 21/08/2020 15:39

no one should be forced into keeping a baby that they don't want and that includes men.

So a woman should be forced into an abortion if her partner decrees?

Get a grip.

Lightsonnobodyshome · 21/08/2020 15:42

do you just expect the poor sod of a man just to go out and find the money to support as many kids as a woman wants ??

You really don't like women, do you.

I expect him to take responsibility for his own actions. If can't afford more children there's nothing to stop him having a vasectomy. That's what he can do. Not force anyone else through an abortion!! Unbelievable.

Original poster

Kangaroo500 · 21/08/2020 18:26

So there's a few things I probably need to elaborate on.

He did suggest a vasectomy previously but I said I wasn't comfortable with him doing that as I felt I didn't want to 'close the door' on more kids.
Yes i work part time. I have my own career which I was about to return to full time but obviously that would have to go on hold now and I would need to remain part time for a while longer. Financially I wouldn't say we are flush but equally we have everything we want and need.
We have a 4 bedroomed house and a 7 seater car so space-wise I don't think he has a strong argument.

I'm interested to know what it means when people say 'can you afford it?' I mean we don't have much savings but month to month we cover all our outgoings and have spare money for nice things.

OP posts:

c24680 · 21/08/2020 18:32

Why does he think you don't have the space if you have 4 bedrooms already? What is the 4th bedroom used as currently? Is it his man cave?!??

Ultimately it's your decision, I think if he definitely didn't want children he should of gone ahead with the snip regardless of your opinion.

user1493413286 · 21/08/2020 18:35

So I’m going to tread really carefully here; he has the right to an opinion but obviously it is not his decision and he doesn’t have the right to tell you what to do. A big part of it depends how he has gone about telling you his opinion and why you feel the way you do about it. I guess though there is no nice way for someone to say they don’t want to continue with a pregnancy. I think you both need to talk quite openly about the effect on your relationship- can it survive having another baby he doesn’t want and can it survive you having a termination you don’t want. There really are no easy options.

Original poster

Kangaroo500 · 21/08/2020 18:55

C24680 - the fourth bedroom is currently used as a home office as I have been WFH but before lockdown it was just a dumping ground! I'm not sure what he means about the space either as we have a pretty large house! I think he's just coming up with 'reasons' because ultimately he is just happy as things are and doesn't want the hassle of another baby. It's just an impossible situation because someone is going to end up unhappy. He has today stated that he will support and 'get on board' if it's what I decide to do but he is still fundamentally unhappy with the situation. I just wonder how long he will feel that way?

OP posts:

c24680 · 21/08/2020 19:48

It might just be a shock to him, not everyone likes change.

If you have time to let it sink in then revisit what you both want to do and if you can't agree maybe come to a compromise of some sort. Or maybe go to counselling session to try get some answers?

rollonoctober · 21/08/2020 22:07

I was in a similar situation with DC4. I went ahead with the pregnancy as, after lots of talking, DH realised that he would be able to get on board with the idea of a 4th child with time, whereas I would probably never come to terms with having a termination. It was a horrible time but DS is nearly 2 now and we all adore him. That's not to say it's been easy, but DH did come around.

Mintjulia · 22/08/2020 03:04

It is probably a good idea to plan that vasectomy now. It might help him come to terms with dc3 if he knows it really will be the last.

Original poster

Kangaroo500 · 22/08/2020 07:39

Rollonoctober thank you! I was desperate for someone to tell me they had been through a similar experience and it turned out okay! I do feel that in time he will surely come around however I would probably never get over a termination. At what point did you see a change in your partner? Was it after he was born or during the pregnancy?
Mintjulia-I agree that this could be a way to compromise the situation and reassure him that this really is the end of the baby years. After this experience I am actually fine with the prospect of a vasectomy!

OP posts:

Orangesofaandcoffee · 22/08/2020 08:28

We were in a similar situation with number 4!! DH just when in to panic by the time 12 wl scan came a long he was over it and was over the moon when she came. Years on he still says hes happy we had her! Hope everything works out for you x

Queenoftheashes · 22/08/2020 08:37

Hmm I had a similar thing where I was pregnant and my partner was really against it. It was like he said all the right things “what do you want to do/it has to be your decision” but also he would say the wrong things if I looked like I was veering towards keeping it “I don’t want this/it would be your baby not mine/I’d resent it”.
I really started to change how I viewed him. I then had a chemical so the whole thing only went on for a few days and I was so relieved that the whole experience was over I tried not to dwell on how he has been. It’s going to become an issue again one day when I want to TTC however I did on the whole get over how he was during the experience. It was a shock for both of us etc. So if I were in your shoes I would think it would depend what happens next and how he continued to act. Once you make your decision if he can get on board you can put his initial reaction down to shock and move on. If he continues being awful there’s no way out of despising him.

Original poster

Kangaroo500 · 23/08/2020 08:48

Orangesofaandcoffee - thank you for the glimmer of hope of a happy ending! If he comes round by 12 weeks that would be great because I have terrible visions of us announcing the pregnancy to friends and family and him making negative comments which I would find so hurtful.
Queenoftheashes- I'm sorry your story ended that way. I hope his reaction is different when you are trying for real and things are less of a shock! I wanted to put it down to shock but it's going on a bit too long now for it to be initial shock! Fingers crossed he comes around otherwise I'm going to rapidly go off him!
Thank you so much for for all of your inputs.

OP posts:

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread