Waiting to find out sex before telling family long rant

[Whatthedoodle]

Apologies if this is long
I’m thinking way ahead here as I’m only 8 weeks or thereabouts but DP and I have been discussing when to tell our family about our pregnancy.

We have two boys already and as soon as our second was born people asked if we would try for a girl. My response was that although a daughter would be lovely, we’d love a third child to have a third child, not to have a girl.
DPs sister is having her second baby boy now (first boy was at the same time we had our second boy). We decided not to find out the sex as we didn’t mind either way and wanted the surprise. I loved guessing the whole way through but it was tarnished by family members hoping for a girl. Not just the odd comment, but every time we saw them comments were made how it needed to be a girl. When he was born everyone was thrilled and nobody said anything negative but when SIL found out she was having a boy the same comments were made about how at some point someone ‘NEEDED’ to have a girl. Then, it was on us to have the next girl before we were even pregnant. Our families know we want another baby but have not anticipated it to be as soon as we are, and now I’m pregnant I’m riddled with worry that they’ll be disappointed if we have another son. I couldn’t love my boys any more if I tried and would feel very lucky to have another.

Our eldest son is nearly 5 and I think this time we will find out the sex so it’s a bit easier for him to comprehend as he struggled with our second son not knowing if he was getting a brother or sister. I sort of don’t want to find out because I love the surprise but I feel like the worry (which is probably hormonal) Of other people being disappointed would eat away at me so I’m not sure whether we should just tell them about the baby when we know the sex too. I don’t know if DPs family will take offence to not telling them straight away as it’s common in his family to spread the news as soon as you’ve done a test.

SIL is due for her baby within the next month so we didn’t want to say anything til her baby was a few weeks old anyway so we have the excuse ready as to why we’ve waited to say anything.

I try to take their comments with a pinch of salt but there’s been that many of them in the past it’s really getting me down because I hate the thought of people not being happy about our baby. My eldest child isn’t DPs biological child so I think my worry stems from when I was pregnant with him as his biological dad caused an uproar over me not having an abortion, I was abused but the feeling of my baby not being wanted by someone is always something I’ve struggled with so maybe that’s why I’m thinking into the comments too much.

Has anyone else been in a similar position and waited to tell people when they knew the sex?

I OP, I've not been in exactly this situation but just wanted to say I fully understand why you feel the way you do and think you'd be sensible to not announce the pregnancy until you know the sex; I'd probably do the same.

Between my four siblings there are already eight children, four boys and four girls, but the last three have been girls. For some reason this had led to my family feeling a boy is "due", and when I announced my first pregnancy they decided I must be having one. Well I just found baby is (probably) a girl, and it has been a little disheartening hearing their obvious dismay. Not enough to affect my enjoyment of the pregnancy (I already feel I'm bonding so much more now I can use a name and call her "her"), but enough that I understand fully where you're coming from.

@CoalCraft congratulations on your baby! Thank you, I don’t think families realise the impact of their comments, they don’t know about our pregnancy yet and still make comments so I do dread to think what they’d say if they knew before knowing the sex. There’s been a bit of a baby boom in the family as we’ve all gone for close age gaps and we’ve all had boys. Our friends have too! I think I’d be able to enjoy it more if I was giving all the news at once to save them from getting their hopes up.

Urgh it’s sooo annoying when people think they can say whatever they like about your pregnancy.
Sounds like the right idea to wait a bit longer to announce as you’re still quite early, but honestly who gives a damn what they think as long as you are happy! It’s not like it’s your fault what gender it comes out. If it ends up being a boy and they all pull a face or act unimpressed, say ‘sorry to disappoint, I’ll leave you all out of this one then’ and walk off lol. Let them feel bad about their stupid comments.
My husbands side of the family is very boy-heavy so I myself feel a bit of pressure to add a girl into the mix (due in December but having a surprise) but at the end of the day I don’t care boy or girl, and if anyone says otherwise they can sod off 😆

A much lighter example, but one that took me by surprise:

DH and hoped we could have 2 children and as close together as it could happen.
We were very lucky: we had elder DD and I got pregnant again when she was 9 months (coincidentally - or maybe not - I'd just stopped breastfeeding then).
Again luckily - and coincidentally - I had the same midwife for younger DD.

Said midwife was lovely except for the bit when we were gazing besottedly at newborn DD, me lying amongst all the bloody effluvia, and she said, "So! You going to try for a boy now?".

DH just said, "Well, we didn't like to mention it, but if you wouldn't mind stepping outside for a quarter of an hour or so..."

I hope everything works out well for you

@Bettie2192 I love your attitude about it! I think I may adopt the same. It’s very frustrating - I know they don’t mean offence as they will the baby regardless but it’s just not nice. My side of the family haven’t made such comments but a few people have said how nice it would be for me to have a girl one day, and it would but it would also be lovely to have another boy. I don’t want to eventually want a girl myself just to keep everyone happy (I’m a people pleaser and it’s an annoying trait). But yes, as long as we’re happy then that’s all that matters!

@LaMarschallin I hate comments like that! My midwife actually made a similar comment and questioned whether I’d be back next year in the hope of a girl. Off topic but - DS was 9 months old when I became pregnant, how did you find the age gap?

@LaMarschallin Love your DH's response! How bloomin rude though.

@Whatthedoodle I think I'd be tempted to wait until I knew the sex to tell them. I'm in a similar situation except it is baby #1 for me, but all my siblings have boys and my parents are desperate for a granddaughter. I'm only 8 weeks and they don't know about the pregnancy yet but I'm already pre-empting the disappointment if its another boy. Its made me not want to do a gender reveal as I can just imagine the looks on their faces if the confetti was blue! I'm happy either way, and after TTC for 2 years I'll be overjoyed with a healthy baby regardless of sex!

@LottieDot congratulations on your pregnancy! It’s frustrating isn’t it. I’ve never had a Gender Reveal before but DS1 loves them (we’ve been to a few) and always says next time we have a baby can he pop the balloon. I think we’re definitely going to wait til we know the sex and get an early scan at 16 weeks so we’re not waiting too long to spread the good news. We’re in the middle of moving house too so wanted to be completely settled in the new house before telling anyone so i don’t think it will be taken the wrong way that we’ve waited to tell them. Hopefully they’re just happy for a new member of the family!

Off topic but - DS was 9 months old when I became pregnant, how did you find the age gap?

It worked brilliantly for me but partly because elder DD was an absolute nightmare baby. She cried all the time at everything. As she got older she didn't want to be held by anyone except us.
Despite the Master Plan of wanting two children close in age - partly not to have the baby stuff like nappies going on for ever and partly hoping they'd be more likely to be friends if the age gap was small - I was wondering if we'd done the right thing.
I was very tired because I was pregnant and because elder DD woke twice a night until she was 1, then once a night until she was 18 months, then...

her sister was born!
I've never seen such a change!

She was so much happier and more settled. Luckily, younger DD responded very well and the love was mutual.
They're still very close; elder is now married and younger living with her fiance.
When it came to two households forming a bubble after lockdown there wasn't any chance it wasn't going to the two sisters getting back together.

It all sounds idyllic and it was/is eventually.

I make light of it now that I know she's fine (like the fact I used to wear the ear defenders that DH had for clay pigeon shooting while bathing her because her yells echoed so much off the tiled walls!), but I worried like anything about the elder one. I truly thought she must be in terrible pain or have an illness or a syndrome or...something!
I wouldn't have any pain relief with the younger one in case the elder was withdrawing off the one dose of pethidine I had during labour (it was long because she was back-to-back).

So, yes - it was great but not for the reasons we expected.
SiL had two boys - the first 2 months older than our first, the second 2 weeks older than our second - and found it very hard. However, first boy had been a dream (had to be woken to be fed when newborn; slept through from 8 weeks...) so found it very hard when her younger son needed a bit more input.

Sorry - I may have wittered on too much

@LaMarschallin thank you for your insight! I’m glad it worked well for you, I’m hoping the same for me. My though process was that they’d hopefully be best friends and I could get the baby years out in one go. There’s 4 years between DS1 and DS2, I would have liked a smaller age gap so there wasn’t a big gap between my first and last child but you never know what their relationship will be like. I’m an only child so probably overthink the idea of siblings a lot. I also have a tendency to not make life easy for myself so I doubt a close age gap will be a surprise to anyone in the family!

My though process was that they’d hopefully be best friends and I could get the baby years out in one go

Exactly our thoughts.

And you've got two boys already and know babies are all different, so you won't be taken aback like my SiL who, given her angel and my screamer first time round, obviously felt it was all down to superior parenting.
(Bitter, moi? )

If you do decide to tell DP's family, will you tell us too?
Or just tell us and not them...

Tell them every time that you are hoping for a healthy puppy

@LaMarschallin i have to admit I think I’m a bit like your SIL, my two boys have been brilliant sleepers and rarely cry. I think it’ll be third time unlucky and I’ll have a bit of a nightmare child this time, bring it on
I will do! only 8 weeks to go to find out (not that I’m counting...) I’ll let you know their reactions, fingers crossed its a positive one!

@RandomMess I like that idea! Each time I may think of a different animal just to keep me entertained!

I basically have the exact same situation. I have 2 boys. Oldest isn't dp's, but do is his dad (biological father didn't want to know. His loss) second was a boy and now I'm pregnant with the third. I wasn't bothered either way but everyone I know made comments about it having to be a girl, or maybe I would get a girl this time 🙄. Turns out it is a girl which I'm thrilled about, but I would have loved to tell everyone it was another boy.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion congratulations! I bet they’re all ecstatic! I do think if I’m having a girl I’d hope that they were happy there was a new baby rather than just happy that there’s finally a girl to add to the mix if that makes sense. I’m trying to convince myself I’m thinking into it too much but because everyone is so obvious about wanting a girl I really can’t help it!

Bit different but we told people once we knew the sex because I had the NIPT test so found out at 12 weeks as part of the usual first trimester screening. I think in your case I’d wait until I knew if you can as it sounds like it would be easier than dealing with any stupid comments.

This is so similar to me except I have two DD’s. Currently 14 weeks with DC3 and I have only told a handful of people and my boss at the moment. Every single person has said they hope it’s a boy, with my boss even saying you do know it will be a girl as the statistics show after two of the same more likely to have a third the same sex! I’ll be happy either way as this baby is a blessing no matter what’s between the legs. The pressure is overwhelming if I’m honest. I will be finding out the sex hopefully and will only be telling close family. Everyone else will be told we are not finding out. Let them guess

@ShyTown I agree. There is a private scan clinic where you can find out sex at 15 weeks, as DP won’t be able to attend the hospital scan due to Covid we were going for a private one anyway so he could experience a scan before telling people, so that seems like the best option as we’re not waiting too long then.

@Bumblebei congratulations! We’re only telling our close family the sex too, they’re ones with comments we want to keep at bay

Currently pregnant with our first child and the gender guessing/assumptions are already driving me mad so I can only imagine how you all feel with people commenting on having the other sex this time 🙄🙄

We have chosen not to find out the sex of our baby but MIL still insists on referring to the baby as her little Granddaughter 🙄😳 because she “just knows” apparently 🙄 not even just mentioning it to other family members either...I’ve had people I barely know congratulating me on the “little girl” that we’re expecting 🙈 definitely a 50% chance that she’s going to be very disappointed 🙈

@RWK29 if I were you I wouldn't be able to resist crossing everything I had for a boy, just to annoy MIL... 😈

Fortunately my own MIL is a lovely person, much less annoying than some of my own fam 😁