Toxic parent relationship! Advice needed!

[Duesept20]

Long post alert....but advice needed please 🙈

Why does having a baby bring up so many family issues?

My Dad is a bit of a nightmare. I don't even know where to start with explaining him. My parents split up when I was 5 (I'm now 29). He was obsessed with work and 'providing for us' so I barely saw him. I went to see him, my stepmum and their kids at weekends but he was mostly at work and I ended up looking after my siblings most of the weekend.

When I wanted to move from Wales to Hertfordshire to got to university and study as a scale model maker....He told me I'd never cope, and that I shouldnt go, and that I'd fail and be home within a month. I was a straight A student, and I have no idea why he thought I'd fail but I think it was to do with his own limiting beliefs, not mine. He has severe anxiety and depression which I understand having had it myself. But I also had an eating disorder, chronic health problems and chronic stress. I put myself in therapy for 2 years and dealt with it. He wont do anything at all to help himself. I've tried to help him, and I've given up. Hes too controlling and I cant deal with it.

I went away to uni, and got a job in London and moved away. Eventually I moved away to Suffolk to be with my Husband (dad said "well I knew you'd never last in London! 🙈), which is where I am now.
Last year I got married, it was a very small wedding with 40 people, in a registry office and then a pub function room. My dad phoned me a year before the wedding and told me he didnt want to sit on the top table with me, didn't want to make a speech and didn't want to stay in the same hotel as me, because he was too anxious. I did my best and understood and changed everything to accommodate him.

As the day got closer he threw more and more at me. About 2 months before he told me he couldn't walk me down the aisle but he wanted my brother to do it. I wanted my stepdad but I let my brother do it, purely because then dad was comfortable. 6 weeks before he made me and Matt rearrange the whole table plan because I'd sat my brother next to our uncle (who is lovely), and dad decided this was unacceptable....so I changed the table plan for him, to make him more comfortable. 3 weeks before the day, he said he was going to leave the wedding before the evening party because it 'wasnt his sort of thing' and also said he wasnt coming to the family meal I'd arranged for the night before the wedding (this wasnt a formal thing, just a meal for everyone who'd travelled long distance).

I'm sure you can see where this is going.....But 10 days before the wedding he text me to say he wasnt coming at all. He caused me SO much stress before what was meant to be a small and calm wedding, that on my wedding day I had a severe migraine and was covered in a massive rash all up my arm. He made me really ill.

In the last 10 years hes been to visit me twice. The last time was about 3 and a half years ago. Since I've been pregnant hes phoned once, text me maybe 4 times and other than that we've had no communication. I havent got properly angry with him or anything, because I really hate upsetting people and I feel so guilty upsetting him. But I think he knows I'm upset. I havent seen him for 2 years because that's the last time I went to wales, and he hasnt been down to see me 🤷‍♀️ Last time he came down he stayed in a hotel but he since said he wouldnt ever do that again and would just come in a day and go home again. When he does speak to me hes literally not interested in what me and my husband have been doing, hes just really self consumed.

Of course, hes threatening to come down 'when the babys born' and he told me he had been and bought a baby outfit. But I dont know how I feel. I dont want to see him. I've had enough of giving him chance after chance and getting hurt. And if i do, i dont know what I'm going to say. We have nothing in common, and I have very little respect for him. My stepmum, brother and sister want to see the baby too, but the last time they tried to come down on their own, Dad stopped them and told them they weren't to come and see me without him. So I'm stuck. I'm also actually really upset that they havent bothered to come and see me, but will come to see my baby!!!!

What on earth do I do?! Do I just tolerate him being here for a few hours? Or do I say I can't see him? I appreciate this is my problem to deal with....but what would you do? Its really stressing me out 😕

I would tell him you dont want him to visit until you're more settled and comfortable at home. Then let him visit after a month or two when you're feeling more comfortable/in a routine and your dad coming to visit won't impact you as much as it could do if he came in the first weeks.

You could even blame it on corona if you dont feel up to just saying that's what you want for yourself. Everything can be blamed on corona at the moment!

@UrsulaSings Thats a really good idea! Thank you! ❤

@UrsulaSings Thats a really good idea! Thank you!

Yes, definitely put it off until a month later. The first few weeks your very vulnerable, and just need people who can put you and baby 1st. xxx

My df was a flakey df.
He turned out to be a flakey dgf too.
Started letting my dc down just as he had me.
I went nc.
No regrets.. Do not be expecting him to be any different with your dc ime op.

Though tbh I can't imagine your df will travel.
And like hell will you be with a new baby!!

Oh OP, what a nightmare. I have a similar strained relationship with my mum. She cried when I told her I was pregnant (she said she was happy for us) but has shown no interest since that call and I doubt will come to visit when LO is born (I've lived about 150 miles away for 10 years and she's not visited once, not even for my wedding).

I'd say, if your dad was flakey for your wedding, I doubt he'll visit you when your baby comes. Yes, he has mental health issues, but seems very self-absorbed and doesn't seem to have much empathy (how familiar!).

If your stepmother and siblings wish to see you, they need to ignore your dad and come see you. He can't dictate people's lives like he has. It's not fair.

I echo everything everyone else has said. Put your foot down now OP and make it clear that you don’t want visitors for X amount of time as you’re worried about Covid and the midwife has advised baby has some time alone with you / partner only to build up immune system etc. Say whatever you need to but be clear this is your decision. When you feel ready to face him perhaps give him one last chance to prove himself - some people are shit parents but besotted with their grandchildren and others are shit parents and shit grandparents.

My baby is a week old today and I made it really clear to my family / in laws what we had decided in terms of visitors Before hand (1-2 weeks alone before they arrive). Even so they’ve been phoning everyday and moaning they have to wait ages to see her. I get on with them but they’re difficult and are giving 1000 unnecessary opinions and comments on everything even the smallest things like ‘oh put her in a blanket she’s cold’ if we FaceTime. I understand they’re excited and normally I would ignore and deal with it but I can’t stop crying currently because it’s so stressful. Don’t underestimate how exhausted you will be after having a baby and your hormones will be everywhere. It will upset you even more if he’s flaky at this special time for you. This is the most amazing time of my life but I’ve really stressed myself out and I wish I had been even more clear before hand on the fact that I would not tolerate them disrespecting my decisions as a mother and trying to force me into doing things I don’t want to with her such as put her down when she’s crying. FWIW I’m a health visitor so not clueless about babies!

#Feralkidsatthecampsite thanks....I'm definitely not expecting him to be a good grandfather...Hence having this dilemma in the first place. Nothing is going to change with him! Hes going to be perpetually useless 🙄

One of my df's failings when I was a dc was he never paid my dm any money for me.. Was blatantly obvious as a dc when me and dm struggled in a lp household that he should be helping.. Df had been made redundant by my teens then so less guilt he wasn't supporting me.
As an adult he told me he had won big money. I had dc by then and he vioaywd weekly.

Def don't think me grabby - I am not - but he had chance to make amends even via my dc with a gift or saving account.
Not one of us got a penny.

Muddled on with a relationship until my youngest was 2 and he stopped visiting.. Often wonder if it was guilt. Or if he just gave zero fucks...

I agree with others, definitely tell him you don’t want visitors for X amount of time. Ideally the first 2 months because it’s the most exhausting and you will be quite emotional.

Both my parents are pretty useless and have no interest in my life but my mother and other family members never stopped harassing me with phone calls to see baby when he was born. I eventually gave in, they took a few photos and left. Don’t really contact me now and I’m pregnant with DS2 🤷‍♀️