First trimester- Lack of emotion?

[Kiyentai]

Hey ladies,

I am new to this forum but I truly just need some advice, someone to virtually lean on as we aren't telling anyone about the pregnancy as it's still early. I am struggling and I need an outlet.

So I am currently in my first trimester, I am generally 8 weeks but am measuring ahead at 9 weeks and 5 days (as of last Monday). I am 35 years old and I have had 2 miscarriages (The first was with my ex, it was a blessing in disguise because he was NOT a good person). The second was with my husband, and he is military and he was on a business trip when I miscarried, he was not there when I went in for the ultrasound when there was no heartbeat, he was not there when I went through the miscarriage. I don't think he fully understands my emotions at this time with this pregnancy. Both of my miscarriages happened between the 8-10 week of pregnancy, although the doctor said that everything looks perfect right now. Please know that this pregnancy WAS planned, I started prepping for it in January and we got pregnant very quickly (which we did not expect).

So fast forward to last Monday, we have the ultrasound and he is just super excited about the baby. He is in tears. I am terrified at the possibility of losing this child. I feel like it's just going to happen because I did all the right things last time, and it didn't happen. I have a severe lack of emotions at this point, I don't know if it is hormones? He is upset because I don't "appear" excited. I want to be, but I feel like I just can't be right now. I ride horses as my hobby and stress relief, and I already had to cancel a big race at the end of the month because my husband is overly worried about COVID. Do I know it's the right decision? Yes, but it still is something I had been planning to do for MONTHS..so it is a big dissapointment.

I really want to be excited but all I feel are negative emotions. My husband does not understand my emotions, he thinks I don't want this baby which is not the case. He doesn't know how it feels to miscarry a child, to see that ultrasound with a baby not moving, going through a miscarriage, and having that loss. I am planning to talk to my doctor about my lack of emotions because I am susceptible to depression (it does run in the family, and it is always a concern of mine), but is this a normal thing or should I be worried?

I admit, I am worried about my life changing. Am I going to be a good mother? Will I eventually be excited if we get past the first trimester? I am also anxious about telling the family and seeing their excited faces, because I told my family about my first pregnancy and I remember the disappointment in their voice/faces when I miscarried. I've been feeling super alone because I feel like my husband doesn't understand despite my trying to explain how I'm feeling, but I don't really want to tell anyone because it is still early. I don't know how to get my husband to understand.

Really feel for you, I'm sorry for your loses.
The way you've explained how you're feeling makes perfect sense, if you've tried to explain it to your husband in that way it's a shame he's not understood it, definitely try again though, maybe write it down (or read from here) if that'll help.
I think talking to the Dr is a really good idea if you think it'll help but to me it sounds like a protective mechanism. You've been so hurt by the previous losses it's natural you're protecting yourself from that potential disappointment again. There is nothing you could have done to prevent them and you are doing everything you can now to stay safe (not going to the horse racing).
Be kind to yourself, there's no rush to tell anyone else so don't worry about that for now but I would definitely try and talk to your husband again and explain how you're feeling. Good luck x

I'm so sorry you've been through two miscarriages.

I understand where you're coming from (2 mcs also, currently 18+2 in third pg) and can relate to all of the emotions you're describing... I still caveat anything I say about our DS with 'if everything goes okay this time' coz I feel like I'll jinx it.

I can appreciate that as your husband wasn't there he doesn't fully understand (I've had this with various people when I've told them about our mcs and them not fully understanding what that means, how it feels, etc). However, as your main support pillar I feel that he should listen to what you're saying a bit more closely and support you in how you're feeling this time around.

If talking isn't working, can you try a letter. Just take pen to paper and get it all out? I find journalling really helps me, but maybe you could use it as an outlet to also get your husband to understand how you're feeling? Perhaps he needs to know in detail what happened when he wasn't there to see it all first hand?

This suggestion might not be for you, but I hope it helps and wishing you all the best in this pregnancy X

@Kiyentai sorry to hear about your losses. Maybe this will help. 4 years ago I got pregnant (planned) and I lost the baby (missed MC) in 13+4. I ride, and I was riding through and I blamed myself endlessly (although I know it could have been anything).

We then tried for years, no success. Last year I got pregnant (not trying but not preventing it either) and I thought riding was the only thing to keep me sane through the first trimester. I was worried, but I knew if I stop, I will break down. (I broke my wrist cx jumping at 3m+). I rode till birth (lesson on Sat, birth on Sun morning).

MC is something we just never get over, it stays, it hurts, my whole pregnancy was full of anxiety and the only thing that kept me going was my horse.

I was absolutely flat emotionally about the baby till about 20w when we found out the gender, then at 24w I told myself it's viable to survive "if" then every week I got more attached if this makes sense "daring" to hope for a live baby. I know it sounds horrid. When he was born (trouble-free birth in very few hours) my first question was "is he alive" not "is he ok".

So yeah, you will be fine, just stay really relaxed about this. There is VERY little you can do to influence a good/bad outcome apart from what you are already doing (eat healthy, sleep A LOT and the most important is keep riding unless the doctor says otherwise). I now love the little jockey beyond anything and the stable keeps him mighty entertained.

Thank you ladies, I really appreciate it. I have been considering some of the ideas that you shared, I guess also my last miscarriage is a little hard for me to talk about (even though I have been through therapy including EMDR), it still is there and I don't think it will go away. I still remember everything in intricate detail, and also my husband does still feel guilty for being gone during our last miscarriage, so for me, it is hard to bring that up in detail because I feel like I'm throwing it in his face. So I feel like this is something I will have to mentally and emotionally work through, maybe writing it down will be best and providing him with a letter.

@ZooKeeper19 thank you for that, it really does help! We recently moved from Idaho to AZ (change of station), and it is SO hot so I haven't been able to ride much, but I have been putting in the effort to ride at least 20 minutes or ground work her/ride bareback. Apparently it's supposed to start cooling off next month so I will look forward to that. The way you explain the feelings at your 20 and 24 week mark, I feel like I will be that person!

Update! I went ahead and wrote him a letter. It made him sad but I think it gave him a good visual of him understanding how I am feeling. Thank you again ladies for your ideas!! I sincerely appreciate the words of encouragement and support :)

I've never had a miss carriage and this is my 3rd pregnancy.
But I never feel excited first trimester, always waiting for the shoe to drop.
I think more so in this one as have been lucky twice now when mc is such a common thing.
But yea massive feeling of its not going to happen, expecially since pregnancy after a c section is a lot more crampy. Just aches so bad like I'm on a massive period every few hours.
It doesn't mean your heartless. You just know the reality of how common it is. Xx