Am I being unreasonable over ex partner?

[Prettylittlelady]

I’m 30 weeks pregnant. Baby’s Dad and I are not together, we haven’t been since early days of pregnancy although did have a relatively good relationship before the spilt.
The lockdown meant we didn’t see each other for a long time as we don’t live together.
He hasn’t offered to contribute financially at all but I have been keeping him updated with the pregnancy, pictures, videos so he can see baby moving, updates of any appointments etc. He has decided to say to me the other day that he feels pushed out - he then took up massive issue that I had met up with a few friends and not him - we’re not together!! He carried on and on about this and it really upset me. I have already been admitted to hospital during this pregnancy with BP issues and it is a risk, after the messages I checked my BP and it was v elevated. I told him that I’ve kept him in the loop as much as I can and I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. He carried on having a go at me so I’ve now decided I want minimal contact with him until the birth (only essential info and then I’ll inform of the birth - he won’t be attending)
I feel this is best for my health. I was planning on giving baby my surname but including him on BC but now I’m having second thoughts on the latter.
Am I being unreasonable?

@Prettylittlelady Going to be blunt.

You are no longer together, I don't think you are stopping him from being a dad but right now until the baby is born you have the absolute right to surround yourself with the right people, the ones who can support you and lean on. It is hard on him but you are not in a relationship and that right to enjoy a pregnancy together is at your discretion!

Lu x

Thank you @Wankpuffin I appreciate your message. I know everyone is entitled to their opinion but some responses did seem a little harsh.

@Lucindaa Thank you for your response, those are some of the exact words that I said to him that I have the right to enjoy the pregnancy especially.

Do the birth certificate without him and use the names you choose.

This seems to be the advice given to women that have escaped DA.

Hi @prettylittlelady is there anyone that could communicate with him on your behalf? A mutual friend or your parent(s)?
You said although he isn't contributing financially he has been in the loop up until now, has that been from him asking you how things are therefore indicating that he's interested, or has it been you sending updates out of obligation? If it's the former it would suggest that he is interested /invested in the pregnancy, so the 3rd party communication might help to alleviate your stress around speaking to him.

It is completely up to you if he's named on the birth certificate and I'd ignore all the nasty messages. As Lillian said, if he wants to go to the effort of applying to the court at a later date that is completely within his rights and will show he's making an effort, something he doesn't seem to have done at all so far. You've done all you can to keep him in the loop about the pregnancy with the added complications of lockdown and you're absolutely right, you're of course able to see your friends before him, who you're not even in a relationship with and who isn't seemingly asking to meet up or making any effort other than passively receiving what you send him. It is the baby's rights that matter, not his, and as you've said you'll of course not hide who the father is and it will be him who ultimately decides their relationship. The father not being automatically listed on birth certificates is a huge protection for women in abusive relationships, although of course I'm not implying you were just pointing out it's a valuable system that protects women AND children. If he actually cares about his parental responsibility there is absolutely nothing stopping him from stepping up and being involved in an actually helpful way, and pursuing a legal route if he wants. That many men DON'T isn't an injustice against them - it is their choice.

@FelicityPike is correct about the birth certificate. It is just an acknowledgement that he is the father though, it doesn’t give him any “rights” as such. He would still be able to take you to court for access if he wanted to.

I would say that if he is not being financially supportive then he has no right to complain about being “pushed out”. If he wants to be involved then he needs to step up for the tough bits such as financial bits as well as the cuddly bits. I think minimal contact until the baby is born is exactly the right thing to do if it helps you to cope and feel better.

As others have said you can register the birth yourself and decide if he goes on the birth certificate or not. The hospital will generally assume, or at least refer to the baby by the mothers surname unless specified (that was my experience anyway) and tbh most people I know who have had children in similar situations where they're not with the father give the child the mums surname. (My oh's son has his mothers surname).

I would consider having a serious conversation with him about child support, access etc. So you both know where you stand and see if you can sort it without going the court routes, though you can obviously seek advice. Most family lawyers will give a free consultation of say 30 mins if you want to ask them about some of your concerns.

If all he wants to give the child is his name, but not his time or support, then he has no right to be all high and mighty about it.

The reality is you're the one who is going to have primary care so you get a bigger say in the decisions about the baby.

Have you asked him to contribute financially? Men can be naive about what is needed, or where to start with anything baby related. I have a spreadsheet of baby/birth/pregnancy related buys and my other half just gives me money, but at least feels involved that he can see what I'm buying. Does he have other children?

If he's feeling pushed out then it definitely sounds like he wants to be involved. What if he wants this baby as much as you do? In his shoes, he could be feeling desperately sad by not be involved. In my experience, contary to popular belief, men are very sensitive creatures and much less able to handle their emotions then women are.