partner wanting another baby and I don't

[Nuttybun]

hello, everyone I'm new to this page but wanted some advice. So basically I have 2 babies a little girl she's 2 and my little man he's almost 1 and my partner is wanting another baby and I really don't.

A little back story I've always wanted children as long as I can remember but I suffered from pcos and it took me ages to loose weight and conceive and I fell pregnant but sadly i lost that baby and I fell pregnant again and during my 12 weeks scan the baby's heart stopped beating and i lost that baby too :( . So I waited a few months and tried once more then I was blessed with a beautiful daughter but sadly the pregnancy was so difficult I suffered from severe sickness to which I was in hospital i became aneamic I got polyhydromas, and severe spd which I needed a wheelchair to get around when I was roughly 30 weeks till the end of my pregnancy , I then got to 37 weeks and came up in a severe rash, my daughters heart was dipping and her movements slowed it was then discovered I had severe cholestasis dangerous levels i was then induced straight away, after giving birth and a 3rd degree rip I never got to hold my baby she was rushed away to nicu while I was in surgery her lungs weren't working at all and she was on a ventilator for weeks at many points i was told she will die the entire process traumatised me severely but after 6 weeks we got to take her home the complications from the ventilators have gave her pulmonary stenosis of the heart but I'm so thankful she survived.

Then last year while on birth control I found myself surprisingly pregnant with my little boy, I did vow no more but fate had other ideas but once again my pregnancy was severe constant kidney infections cholestasis again severe sickness spd I was just so miserable 9 months of mainly being in hospital i then had my little man with no induction but he also was born with severe lung issues he was on a oscillator ventilator life support for a week he also got a hole in his lung poor bairn but he showed us all how strong he was and got better in 2 weeks but sadly little man has cerable palsy we are unsure how severe but they're thinking his life support had caused a stroke :(. And both kids have genetic testing to see why there lungs lack sefaxent when they're born as its likely any future babies will be born the same.

So after all this the idea of more children isn't a option for me but my other half is so upset he wants more children with me badly... I've tried to explain why I don't but he thinks they will be oK because we got lucky with our kids but I don't wanna chance it and I really hate being pregnant its really not easy for my body to go through am I being selfish? I just don't know what to do i tried to ask my friends who has fallen out with me because I said how I hated being pregnant i love my kids so much but I am done with babies just unsure what to do about my other half thank you for reading xxx

Goodness me, you poor thing. No wonder you feel done with pregnancies! Not the same, but I’ve been through a HG pregnancy and never ever thought I’d do it again. I am now pregnant with my second but I am definitely done this time. I never want to put myself through it again.

Having a child always needs to be a two person decision, both parents need to want the child. And while there may be an argument that this decision is equal, realistically you are the one who has to go through the very difficult 9 months pregnancy and the labour.

Sadly it’s a tricky situation but I think you need to have a serious conversation with your partner and explain how you feel.

Personally, no matter how much my DH might want another child (thankfully he doesn’t), I can’t think of a thing that would convince me to put myself through another pregnancy after this one.

You are absolutely not selfish to not want another child.

You have had challenging pregnancies and births, and I’m so sorry to hear it as that must have been so difficult for you. However even if you had the most straightforward and easy pregnancy and birth, if you don’t want a child, you should be able to say no without any guilt at all.

It sounds like maybe some counselling or something similar might be useful for you both, something where you both can work through your thoughts and come to an understanding- and hopefully where your partner can realise he absolutely cannot demand you bear a child on his say so! However it might be a deal breaker for him.

No woman should feel they have to get pregnant. That would be absolutely barbaric.

I also had severe cholestasis and spd (among other things and had my twins at 34 weeks) so I know the hell you've gone through. Luckily my kids came out healthy and without issues. I cannot imagine how terrifying and traumatic it's been for you. The fact that you went through with the pregnancy of your second child and didn't terminate is already incredibly brave of you and your partner should 100% not expect anything more from you. You've done well mama, it's OK to stop here. You have two beautiful children. Unless your partner finds a way to be pregnant then it's all your decision to make and don't you dare feel bad about it.

Does your partner do his fair share with childcare - nappies, night wakings, tantrums etc? Does he do his fair share of housework, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking and life admin?

You don't need to justify yourself OP, whatever your reasons for not wanting another child, even if it's simply I just don't want another is more than enough. It is sad that you aren't both on the same page, but you are definitely not being selfish, you have 2 children. Not to minimise his feelings, but many people have to reconcile with the fact that they won't have as many children as they would ideally want to have, as PP has said, it's worth having a serious talk about it, and being honest about how you feel.

Thank you all for your lovely comments I think he takes for granted the amazing hospital that saved our children's lives that it will happen again, you really can't tempt fate. He is a incredible dad honestly the kids love him he's really hands on, just 2 is plenty and with my little boy I'm not sure what level of care he is going to need in the future ... and if our 3rd baby was to be kept in hospital with me already having 2 babies both with there own challenges I'm gonna struggle to be super mam. I'm really content with one of each :) I really appreciate your lovely comments I'm going to sit down and really talk to him about things just i feel guilty saying no ❤ xxxx

You've got your hands full with two beautiful babies who have health problems or had them. You've only just come through awful pregnancies and trauma around their births and NCU.

Yanbu yo tell your DP to stop asking and be glad of the two Dbabies you have already. Right now you have your hands full and are done. That doesn't mean that later on you can't change your mind as slim chance, but it's be madness to try for another baby right now or to even think about a 3rd.
.... Like playing IRL buckaroo to see how much more can be added onto the donkey (you) before it bucks and collapses!

Poor love, you have been through the wringer. Of course you don’t want to go through that again!

Your husband has to make peace with this decision and accept that you can’t and won’t go through that again. It’s too much strain on you. He may be disappointed but he has to accept it. You are not being selfish in any way - this is purely your decision.

Hi OP can I just say your pregnancies and outcomes really resonate with me - I had GD - SPD and cholestasis - both my babies similarly born without surfactant - both ventilated - I was led to believe it was my gestational diabetes but perhaps it was the cholestasis - it's such a traumatic process. Thanks fully my children (Touchwood now) have no additional needs but we did go through about 5 years of hospital visits with my first for various issues.

I absolutely could not cope with another child and neither could my body. It's too much for you with all you have on. You are being sensible not to have another baby. I've wanted more children but my mother and and DH have both said it's better to look after myself to be healthy for my children I have now.

The one who doesn't want a child gets the final say. I'd like to try for number three but my husband does not want any more. That's that.