AIBU to have mixed feelings?

[[AUTO]d3jqakcn9qlt2]

Please be kind. We have been together for 8 years, and had been ttc for 3 years, several months ago partner's sperm tested (twice) extremely low for both quantity and quality. It's been a really tough few years emotionally, especially going through the ups and downs of menstrual cycle every month. I had very bad pmt and horrible cramps/migraines etc every month too. We have a great relationship and always had said we didn't want ivf, that we would just make our lives about something else instead. So when we were told we that ivf would be the best option for us we already knew we didn't want to take that route. Anyway, when seeing the consultant and having my investigations I had explained that I don't have a great time each month and that I had been to the gp and to A&E previously with pain after sex, consultant suggests endo and puts me on waiting list for surgery. She said it might relate to infertility but dh sperm count would still require ivf. Several months later I have the surgery, they find some endo tissue and remove it, but nothing that extreme. The same month, two weeks later, I conceived. I'm now 9 weeks and I've spent the entire time being really confused, torn between being over the moon as I always wanted a baby, but also in complete shock as I had come to terms with the idea of not having children. In fact I've just quit my job and I have a place on a teacher training course starting this September. Baby due right in the middle of the academic year. Additionally we're really not in a great financial position which I know everyone must feel to some extent but we have a decent chunk of unsecured debt (always maneagble and taken out for necessities, but none the less pretty rubbish when you're looking at a reduction in income), mortgage term ends next summer and plan was that I would have secured a teaching job and therefore be able to remortgage (my salary has dropped since we got current mortgage so remortgaging early isn't an option bc of affordability). Basically, the timing is terrible and in having this baby we will put ourselves in a worse position for the next few years as well as really struggle to get through. I'm genuinely worried about how we will survive. In the back of my head, some rational part of me is considering a termination. If I don't have this baby I will be able to get myself qualified and get a good job, and thus the bare minimum of maternity pay and rights etc. As it is, I'll be a student who will likely only be able to take off a minimum of time with baby before going back and finishing, which means the separation as well as childcare costs (?). Additionally our mortgage will increase to standard interest rates which will make life even less affordable, right at the time when our costs will go up and our ability to work will go down. All I keep thinking about is how I don't know how I would feel if I never got pregnant again, and I had got rid of a baby. I'm so conflicted and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone because the consensus is that if you have a child after infertility I should feel infinitely grateful and joyous. Actually I just feel really afraid and out of control, and I'm worried about screwing up my future. To be a parent I want to be the best I can be and that for me means having a career. I know it's not all about money, and we have parents who wouldn't see us on the street etc so we're lucky in so many ways, but the thought of being dependent is also really scary. Thanks for getting through this far. If you have any wise words they would be appreciated. 🙂