AIBU? Pregnancy & working from home, being cut off?

[hummingbirdhm]

Hi all,
This is my first pregnancy, I'm 4 months. Since telling work about the baby I have been worried about being cut out of projects.
I work in a small team and we have all recently started going back into the office on a rota. However, several of my colleagues also go in on their non-rota'd days, so they are more up to date on current projects than I am, mostly working from home. I haven't been going in extra days because its a small office with one toilet, tiny kitchen etc and it's just too many people touching all the same surfaces!
Anyway, I do feel that my colleagues are subconciously (or consciously) cutting me out and I have now been asked to not go in at all this week because my bosses child has a cough and is awaiting covid test results (the office is a separate building at my bosses house). I presumed all my colleagues would be asked to do the same however after me directly asking one of my colleagues, it turns out I am the only one and everyone else has gone into work.
I realise it's good that they have taken precautions to protect me, but I really can't help feeling I am being cut out, especially as we were supposed to be starting a new project this week and I was not told it was only me being asked to stay away.
I have also had a couple of them reference 'baby brain' to me, which has made me a bit paranoid! (i haven't shown any 'baby brain' moments to my knowledge!)
I can't tell what my emotions are anymore, I'd be really grateful for honest responses.
Thanks.

I think it’s a tough one OP.
If work asked you to go in extra, you’d probably not want to and be posting on here about advice on how to refuse. I’m not pointing out that to be horrible, just that it probably is tough for work to get the right balance in your eyes.
They seem to be thinking about you (or cutting you out depending on your perspective). Can I ask if your work is hit by COVID - I.e. will some ppl be made redundant? I doubt you will be, as firing a PW would be construed as unfair. But I can see why you might feel an unsaid pressure to impress, leave a positive impression before you go on mat leave, rather than being considered a lazy, pregnant woman who didn’t do much (I don’t mean these words - just trying to say it in a way that work might view you IF your fears about being cut out keep going).
It sounds like a small business. Mat leave always hits small businesses badly. That’s not your fault, and you deserve every penny of mat leave pay, but it will cost them. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re trying to get things running smoothly without you. Be glad it’s not the other way...trying to squeeze every last drop of hard work out of you!

If you were less invested in you work, I would say, enjoy the lack of pressure. You may feel sidelined, but I assume when you have baby, you’ll be off for at least a few months - maybe a lot longer? And although technically possible to still build/forward your career at this time, most people press pause, as it’s not their priority.

That said, if you really feel a bit cut out/patronised, and don’t want to be treated any differently, then you should make this clear. Do everything you would normally. Or do as much as you can and WFH as you have been doing. When people make comments about baby brain, say actually studies show that pregnant women have better memory than non pregnant women, (apparently that’s true!)
Make it clear that work is distracting you from the uncertainties/symptoms of pregnancy and you’re eager to do your fair share and be fully involved.

In summary, I think you need to view your work as thoughtful and be satisfied. Try not to feel paranoid about being left out. Perhaps you are, but it doesn’t sound malicious.
OR
Communicate your desire to be treated equally/kept in the loop. That might be hard, especially if you’re not feeling great, needing time out for appointments etc. And is possibly not realistic. Why should you be kept up to date about stuff you might not be working on for example? You could make it clear you want to assess the risk...rather than them deciding for you.

Only you will know your workplace though. How have pregnant women been treated previously? Do you get on with colleagues/boss?

@LemonRabbit thank you so much for your response, you are right on so many levels!
Yes, I would be moaning if they had asked me to go in! So I am grateful for that. There has been one redundancy and I believe that will be the only one due to the nature of the role. It's a very successful business. I've been working my socks off from home and really churning out the work, I think it's been getting me through all this as my DH works long hours out of the home.
I am fairly career driven, but equally looking forward to Mat leave! I just don't want to be sidelined yet, I still have a few months to go and a couple of big projects I really want to be a part of.
In terms of pregnancies, there has only been my boss (I work in a male-dominated industry). She took 1 month off and then came back part time so not sure it's a good comparison!
Yes I get on okay with my colleagues (not friends outside of work though) so I think I will communicate that I want to be kept in the loop, just don't want to come across as hormonal and stroppy!!!
Thanks for your note on the baby brain I am definitely saying that!!!

Yeah, I would try to say it quite casually about being kept in the loop as like you say, you don’t want to come across as stroppy/hormonal.
Why women even have to think about how they come across when saying something quite simple is ridiculous, but there it is!

Yeah, some of your worry is probably coming from the fact it is so male dominated. I suspect many of these men have partners who have been through pregnancy, so although they obviously haven’t experienced it, it shouldn’t be totally alien to them. They probably feel protective over you! Unfortunately that might manifest itself as being patronising though.

Your boss only took a month off? Well, don’t feel under pressure to match that. What you want to do is up to you. Remember in a 40ish year career, 1 year that involved spending some time off with a baby is insignificant, yet your baby will change hugely over that time. I wouldn’t want to miss out! Each to their own though.

You sound like a really hardworking person. Your boss/company is lucky to have you.

I have a problem of my own @hummingbirdhm. I have a new job (I start in a few weeks) but will be 7w pregnant on Friday. The timing is awful. I don’t plan on telling them until 12w scan, but I feel so deceitful. It’s a promotion for me (manager role) and great opportunity. Part of me wants to be honest from the start, but at the same time, I’d rather be in the job and build a bit of rapport before I hit them with the baby bombshell. I’m already feeling so mortified about the idea of having to tell them. A bit of me wants to bury my head in the sand and not mention it at all! What should I do? I’d be really grateful for an honest response from you now!

@LemonRabbit wow that’s a tricky situation! I will try to help ☺️
I am usually the kind of person who would advise honesty is the best policy as it just helps me to sleep at night! But if I were in your situation I would probably wait until the 12 week mark as you suggest and then pick the best moment possible after that point.
Is this at a new place of work? Or an internal promotion? If it’s a new company you may need the time to adjust to the workplace before telling them. If it’s making you feel anxious or stressed I think I would go ahead and get it over with immediately as it such a weight off your shoulders and you can move forward from there.
I can completely understand your anxiety! I once started a new job and then accepted another job offer after 2 months in the role. Handing my notice in was one of the most stressful moments of my life! I knew that they had paid a recruitment fee for hiring me so I felt incredibly guilty, but I also knew that it was the right life choice for me. I barely slept the night before I handed my notice in! They were actually really good about it and asked me to complete my months notice to help them out (which I did). Anyway, since then I have always thought that no matter what work task I have to do it will never be as bad as I had made that out to be! So even if it feels like a similar situation to you, you will 100% get through it and probably look back and think ‘phew’ I got through that!
In terms of practical advice when you tell them have a draft action plan for your mat leave and actions you will have completed etc before your leave and what you want to do when you get back so they can see your value and intention to make positive contributions.
xx

Thanks for your advice.I need to pick the right moment and tell them. I do plan to wait to 12w - hopefully my morning sickness will let me! I think I’ll do what you suggest with taking a draft plan.
Is this at a new place of work? Or an internal promotion?
Both! Same company, but different branch. It’s all new people, but my employer won’t change.on the plus side, that means I’ll be eligible for maternity benefits.

Yeah, I’m building it up, but I feel bad. Not that it matters, but this has been a very long desired for baby...it’s not a mistake!
Thanks for your reply.