Would like someone to give me advice please

[Kt90]

Hi. So I’ve been with my husband 10 years we recently married almost a year ago. We’ve always had ups and downs and only a very few people have said he treats me rubbish ( every one else thinks he’s brill ) although in someways he’s supported me with this pregnancy others ways he’s been awful. I always thought/ imagined he would be quite caring. Early on in pregnancy I suffer with HG and sickness was horrendous he never once came and rubbed my back to help he’s reply was always something like it will make me be sick seeing you throw up which I thought was a bit selfish all I wanted was him near. Foot rubs never gave me one either. I know this sounds a bit pointless but tonight he has been so horrible to me to the point I thought he may hit me or throw something at me. ( he has been violent before he pushed me and also had grabbed me by the throat this has happened on separated occasions but each only happend once). I wanted to get something in the loft so I asked him to which he said no do it yourself. So I tried to I was struggling with the ladders and twice I did actually make a bit of noise he stormed up the stairs literally screaming In my face slammed the ladder which I thought smashed the wall (it didn’t) and then went to sort of lunge at me with a fist stopped himself then grabbed the fan to throw at me. He was screaming telling me to get out the house I said no he was screaming that much spit was actually coming out he’s mouth. Called me the C word saying your not welcome in the house you have to get out. This is my house as much as he’s as I’m on mortgage(although only recently) now that I’m pregnant (22 week) my baby is my everything and all I can think about is how much I don’t want my baby to ever see this. As I’m writing this I have a lump in my throat and can feel tears about to start. All he seems to lately is upset me. It was my birthday not long ago and I said to him the morning if it ohh can I open my card and he’s like I’ve not wrote on it. He didn’t give it to me till 11am yes this might sound pathetic but I don’t understand how he didn’t write on it. As he can’t come to scans I booked private one thinking he would be great full and excited and he was like why would you waste money you get scan pics I can see those. I explained how magical it is when you actually see them on the screen (I cry everytime I see baby it’s just amazing) and he was like ohh no just get scan pics. I’ve not cancelled it as I still want to see baby. I am feeling very emotional lately but what I explained earlier about him going on at me I’m actually abit scared more so now that I’m pregnant and got quite a bump on me. I’m worried with the crying and upset its going to harm my baby. I’m so tired too he keeps saying why I don’t do nothing and lazy. I read pregnancy can make you tired so explained he’s like no excuse. I’ve started to feel little movements that sometimes can feel with hand (again so magical for me) I tell him to feel belly he does for all of 5 seconds and if he doesn’t feel anything straight away he will move he’s hand I said be patient and he just replied can’t be bothered I said what sitting there and just place hand on my belly he just says yes. He shows he’s happy sometimes and buys things but he doesn’t seem really that interested sorry to go on just need a little support. X

Hi lovely,

I'm not going to say the obvious because I know it's not that easy. Do you have somewhere to go to get a bit of space for a while? I think you both need that, for you to get some peace and for him to hopefully figure what the fuck his problem is and why he thinks it's okay to treat you that way, pregnant or not.

Xxxx

Ultimately I think you know that that is no environment for a baby x

That is not how partnership or marriage is meant to be. It should be a safe place where you feel loved and supported and part of a team. You deserve better than him and so does your baby. I had a friend who was in a similar position, most people thought her partner was great. It only came out after years that he was emotionally abusive and occasionally physically violent (held her my her throat to a wall). As the physical stuff was very infrequent she excused it. She couldn't see at the time that the way he treated her verbally and neglectfully was also abuse.

Don't feel wrong about being upset about the way he is acting in the pregnancy either. It's a new life you made together and yes he might not be as excited about some bits as you are but he should be supportive of your feelings and health and I would say wanting to come to a scan or at least coming with you as you want him to is part of that.

I have a very supportive husband be even he needed a poke and a reminder with the foot rubs. He would have been there whatever with the morning sickness. To help with mine he made sure I had a cup of tea and something to eat before I got out of bed every day as otherwise I would be sick.

Do you have much of a support network for you to take some time away from this relationship and get a fresh perspective. It doesn't sound healthy to me.

Honestly ten years of marriage is not worth continuing to be treated like that and have you and your baby brought into that. He should be treating you so much better. I’m sorry if thy is harsh but I agree with @Bl0ndi3 and get some space... but honestly I’d ask him to
Move out for a while. You are pregnant and shouldn’t be put under more stress of packing up and couch surfing. He is totally out of order and in no way has an excuse for how he is acting

You don't sound safe to me sweet and if a bit of noise of you sorting ladders out to go in the loft is enough for him to blow his top I would be seriously concerned for the welfare of a crying baby once it's born

Have you got family you can stay with?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Pregnancy can be soo hard but also amazing. However, it can be a time when domestic violence begins or escalates. I'm not much help in terms of who to seek advice from, I know there are agencies out there. I will say as a child who grew up seeing domestic violence towards my mother, it was very damaging towards me and my view of men. The best thing my mother ever did was leave my father. Please protect yourself and your baby. Someone who loves you should never physically harm you, there is never an justifiable excuse to do so. You only have one life, you should not have to live it in fear.

Whilst my husband is super supportive and caring I can sense a bit of annoyance at times when I ask for a back rub or I'm too tired to help with things

However it is never ok for your partner to be physically or emotionally abusive as you say he has been. Are you scared of him? And are you worried for you and your baby's safety? Even if there is a slight worry it would ring alarm bells for me. Could you talk to a close friend or family member for support? And I guess in the long term do you want to be with someone like this?

My dh never rubbed my feet or held my hair when I puked. He didn't like feeling the baby moving in my tummy much either. However he has never pushed me or put a hand on my neck, how this is not what you are focusing on I do not know. I know it is not an easy thing to leave an abusive man or even to recognise the behaviour as abusive - but this is what it is. If you could disclose any of this to your midwife it would be really helpful.

There's a phone line for help on this site
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

OP some studies are suggesting that stress in the womb can affect a baby's temperament and neurobehavioral development. So yes it’s entirely possible that this stress could be effecting your baby.

I’ve just ended a ten year marriage with two kids because my husband on two occasions shown flashes of extreme anger towards me. I’ve had ten good years with him although the last two have been somewhat rocky. He’s ever hit me but it was enough to show me - maybe he could. I don’t want that for me or my kids. I know it’s in a downwards spiral.

You have a responsibility now to make a decision now that you to make sure your baby grows up in a safe and calm environment. Don’t be charmed in tinthinking he was having a bad day, he is tired from work, you was winding him up, your hormonal and doing his head in.

He has shown you who he is.

Can you imagine him doing this to you whilst you have that baby in your arms? What about when the baby is a toddler crying because his daddy is frightening mummy?

If you let this go - your doing a disservice to that baby. I’ve been a single mum, raised dd1 by myself shes 25 now, it wasn’t that bad. We were happy and safe.

Get yourself together and find a safe space to love in to and don’t kid yourself he will change - he won’t

Also for what it’s worth I left a verbally abusive relationship When my daughter was 4, ten years ago. I raised her on my own... she has access to her dad but she is now a very well manner and balanced child... I had to get her a bit of counselling at the beginning because she was traumatised over some things her dad did to me in anger verbally. I should of left when I was pregnant... and protected her from then. Being single and a mum was so much easier without the added stress of a man child over my shoulder.

This sounds awful, please make sure you look after yourself and baby.

I grew up in a very violent and verbally abusive home and the impact it’s had on my as both a witness and a victim have been profound.

You are not to blame, but you do need to start thinking about how to move forward with you life and where you can seek support outside your home.

I read this week that domestic violence often starts during pregnancy (shocking I know).

You’re being abused (physically, emotionally). Abuse often escalates in pregnancy and you don’t sound safe - so by extension your baby isn’t safe.
I have no practical advice to offer other than it might be worth posting this on the relationships board, you’ll likely get even more replies and I have seen threads there with lots and lots of practical advice of how to actually go about changing your situation. I hope things turn around for you.

Good morning lovely,
Have you anyone close to you that you have confided in about how upset you are and the reality of what is going on? I understand that when someone is able to project a different persona to the outside world it can be very difficult, I have a father who managed to do this.
It doesn’t sound like you’re safe and that means baby isn’t either. You’ve said baby is your everything and you need to protect baby and find a way to get out of that situation. Find the strength inside you to take some steps to working out a plan, talk to a close friend or family member, call a helpline, you can make the changes that are necessary be shes if you don’t baby is going to be living in an environment that you’re describing. And while it’s not your fault, it’s not baby’s fault either.
Please come back and update us. Thinking of you and remember this isn’t you’re fault, you deserve to feel worthy, loved and important, your husband isn’t any of those things. 10 years does mean anything when someone behaves like that, please be brave and do what you know in your heart you need to.

This is awful. And I've read enough MN to know it doesn't get any better - if he's that angry with you moving some ladders, what do you think he's going to do when he's woken up by a baby for the 4th time that night?

You need some support - could you speak to your family or friends? You can also speak to your midwife who'll be able to signpost you for further support.

Sorry Kt90. I used to be a health visitor and have liaised with social workers many times. I'm afraid this is domestic violence and it is a classic case of escalation during pregnancy. This is extremely worrying for the sake of you and your baby. Do your parents or close friends live nearby? I believe you need to go to stay with one. I'd tell your partner you're going for a walk and ring them to tell them what you've told us and ask if you can stay until after the baby is born. It's safer if you tell your partner on the phone after you've gone. You also need to speak to your midwife about this today. If anything were to happen to you it needs to be on record what you've told us. It's an awful position to be in but please do it for your baby. Get the ball rolling today. Virtual hugs

How are you this morning op?

Good morning I didn't think I'd get so many replies and just been reading them all now. I'm at work soon so may not be able to reply for a bit.

In regards to the hand on my throat this was a while ago and the only time he's down this but certain things like calling me names , lunging at me and breaking/going to throw things has happened a fair amount of time.

As daft as it may come across we was trying for a baby for a very long time and had failed fertility treatments was told it wouldn't happen naturally and then April I took a test and there the positive was.

I'm also worried as he drinks too. Not constantly but when he does he makes up for loss times (the weekend before) I've said this has got to stop which he laughs at me. He is the main household incomer ( although I do work) I pay him as much as I can each month towards mortgage.

What really upset me is that a few weeks ago (again drunk but has said it on a joking way but I no deep down he's being honest) he wants a dna test. I was unbelievably shocked. We don't hardly ever have sex and one of the reason why is because he can go nice for a while then he will just turn and be nasty so I never feel I want to have sex (he always says I must get it elsewhere) I always say to myself I don't no how it happened as we never have sex hardly but I suppose it only take one time.

We have a security camera outside which shows everybody that comes to the house but then he makes a stupid comment like well you could of unplugged it I'm like I really wouldn't go through the effort of doing that.

Going back to the baby. He was 'happy drunk' the other night so I tried to make a joke ( but being and meaning seriously). When baby's here you can be drinking like this and said I'll leave and take baby. My mum was a druggy and alcoholic and I was taken off her when I was around 9ish 10. Also he's mum actually died from drinking years ago so it really surprises me with him and he's extreme drinking ( as mentioned normally Friday and Saturday but he goes through a lot). I said I don't want my baby to ever encountered a smidgen of what I saw. He's answer was like that's why they grow up to be snowflakes I said I'd rather my child not see any of that and he was like so you don't want baby to ever see a drink. I said no that can't be helped but seeing he's closer parent drinking like you do and act sometimes it scares me so god knows how a child would feel.

He said you won't take my child from me I said keep drinking and I will he said you wouldn't get the baby I make too
Much money for the baby to be took of me if anything it be you that wouldn't get the baby also mentioned about my past with mental health.

My mental health was based on my childhood I saw a lot of things go off that no child should see it caused me in teenage and later life to suffer anxiety. I had severe panic attack at one time. For the past 10 or so years although I feel in some situations not great I've learnt to deal with it and no that it's normal to feel like it sometimes my panic attacks are almost non existent. But basically saying I wouldn't get custody of the baby. Again this scares th elite out of me because this baby is so special.

He wanted a girl I was not bothered what we would have as I've wanted this baby so long it's truly is a miracle and blessing. Scan revealed boy and if I'm honest I'm very happy. I want to breast feed so my baby is with me as much as possible. Husbands like just do bottle I said I want to atleast try breastfeeding as it's best for them I understand it may not work out but I want to breast feed him.

He's been good in ways were he's literally done the nursery beautiful just got a few little things to do. I brought baby a few Mamas's and papas bit to which he was like what the hell thats too expensive he will wear it once and not for him. I no there's other shops out there but I just couldn't resist going in and fell in love with a set. Surely if I'm paying for it doesn't matter the cost. I know some of this is pointless what I'm saying now and maybe I am being hormonal. I don't have anyone to speak to I don't have friends or family members really who I feel I could talk to that's why I came onto here.

I managed to fall asleep before he came up to bed last night he's now left for work and I'm literally sat in bed cuddling teddy's I've brought for baby. I feel like I'm being a kid but it's the only comfort I'm getting. I have also posted on the relationship forum as someone mentioned I've got basically the same response but a few more replies so I will copy and paste this comment on there aswell. Thank you all for your advice.

I'm sorry you're going through this @Kt90 but it really doesn't sound like he'd change how he is at all.

As for him saying you wouldn't keep the baby because he earns too much.. that's him playing on your fears. You would absolutely get to keep your baby

I really hope you seriously consider leaving him. Would he behave the way he did last night to you in front of family? Friends? Work colleagues? I suspect not. Which shows what he's doing is a controlled aggression to you

You do not have to tolerate this. This won't get better. This will get worse with a baby in the house. Please leave

Here's a link to Women's Aid as they have advice on how to recognise abuse.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

If you don't report it and he wants custody, well there's no reason he can't. However, if it comes to light that he is abusive and you stay thereby putting your baby at risk, then social care may choose to put your baby in foster care while you get therapy. So, the only sure fire way to keep your child is to seek help immediately and show professionals you will put your baby first. Abusers will make their victims feel as if it's the victims fault or that the abuser has control over them. Even if you don't have family or friends to stay with accommodation and financial support will be sorted if need be. Please ring Women's Aid or at least email them to see what they say. You deserved better as a child and your child deserves more too. Break the cycle.

@Kt90 how are things now

Hi @Kt90,

I am so so sorry you are going through this. I know you love your husband and must feel really conflicted just now. I was in a very similar relationship and it took me years to get the courage to leave but you have a beautiful baby boy to give you the strength you need to make the right choice for you and your baby. If he doesnt attend midwife appointments with you then you could use that time to open up to the midwife and explain what's happening, womans Aid are fantastic and have resources that could help you and your baby, unfortunately domestic abuse/violence can escalate during pregnancy as the abusing partner feels neglected/pushed out. I think you know deep down this is not safe environment for you or your baby and if I was you I'd be reaching out to my midwife and local agencies just now and starting to make a plan to leave but I also know that it is a scary, uncertain and worrying time and you may want to see how your husband is when the baby is here but there is definitely no harm in having support and a plan to leave in the background. I really hope things work out for you and that you and your baby are safe and well ❤ xxx

Domestic abuse does not begin and end with violence.

Please reach out for support in person - some of the charities mentioned or your midwife.

Start thinking about a plan in case you need to leave. Cash, identification, medication, overnight clothes and toiletries.