I'm 37+4 i feel like my whole pregnancy has been drama with baby dad and people on his side, then the world being in so much uncertainty and I don't think I ever really allowed myself to feel any emotion about it all. I just put on a brave face, shut off the emotion, was working out and eating very well was feeling good at my pregnancy body. Then I had a bleed and was terrified I was losing him but after 24 hours in hospital being monitored and a growth scan they couldn't find a cause he was thriving in there and thank goodness was okay. I was told not to work out anymore other than a evening walk and then everything just went down hill, I still didn't face my emotions, I've cut the father off because every time we spoke it was 'you were selfish because you didn't get an abortion but I don't want anyone else raising my child but you should've got an abortion' Any left over feelings I had towards him have turned into disgust, there's no want for him and I don't really want him involved because apparently even knowing someone for 7 years you don't actually know them atall my best friend is friends with his best friends girlfriend so I'm always hearing about him. Even though I don't want to be with him maybe the thought that I'd always be settled, married and in love when my first child entered the world and that isn't happening is hitting me, maybe I'm just emotional but I feel so guilty because all I feel is sadness, I feel like I'm drowning and no one can see, I just want someone to say to me 'are you okay?' So I can scream NOOOO but instead whenever I hint that I'm not okay people get offended because 'I'm not alone' and 'I'm surrounded by people who love me' which I am, however being the 'strong bubbly happy' friend has its negatives because I'm very good at faking them things. I'm not lacking in love for my baby, I'm obsessed with him, I already feel he's going to be my best friend, my greatest achievement and my absolute love, I'm not scared of motherhood I'm very maternal, I can't wait to be a mother, I'm not even scared of labour in fact I wish it would hurry up lol. What I am scared of is the after math, my stomach is covered in stretch marks which I cockily thought I avoided but they came fast and furious, I'm 5ft and although I haven't ballooned in weight my bump is huge out ways, I just don't know why I feel so blue and sad and alone when I'm not? I feel awful that I feel like this because I should just feel happy and excited? Is this a build up from me shutting out my emotions? And now none of my friends really understand because I can't put my finger on a reason so it can't be real? I don't know if this even makes sense, I'm just rambling, writing my feelings, it might sound stupid but i really don't care I need to just write it all down with no shame and no one judging me.