One worry after another ... here is the latest one. Risk of Autism?

Dyra · 26/07/2020 11:28

Have you had a chat with your GP and/or midwife about your continuing anxiety? Even if the topic of your anxiety is changing, the root is still there, and should be addressed.

As for the autism worries, a tight handhold. I completely understand. I have a severely autistic cousin. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me while I was pregnant with DD that she could be autistic. But now, 10 months on, as a FTM with the power of Dr. Google at my fingers, now I'm worrying. Every developmental delay she has, has me fretting for days, until she either catches up (what usually happens), or I calm down and accept that it really is too early to tell still.

Everyone wants their child to be perfect and healthy. But when you know the reality that it's not always the case, it's so hard not to get yourself in a spiral of worrying. Talking about it really does help. Whether it be to DH, to the health visitor, or (most often for me) venting to Mumsnet.

Tlollj · 26/07/2020 11:34

You need to try and control your anxiety. The first list you gave about getting to 12 weeks the results of tests etc. You concluded by saying the same as everyone, not true not the same I didn’t worry at all about any of those things. I realise you’ve recently had a loss though so that’s probably a large part of it.
But it’s no good worrying about things, you worrying about it won’t change the outcome.

circumventgatekeeper · 26/07/2020 11:36

It a lot you can do about it even if he is.

You need help with your anxiety.
You cannot worry about things you cannot change - it's wasted energy.
Please speak to your midwife or gp.

Bitchinkitchen · 26/07/2020 11:39

I think you should speak to your midwife. This level of anxiety isn't normal, can often be triggered by hormones, and can be treated.

MaryHeck · 26/07/2020 11:44

I didn’t even consider autism when pregnant with my DS, and there is no autism that I know of in our family. My DS has Asperger’s Syndrome.

He hit all his developmental milestones - in fact was an early walker and talker and very early reader - and wasn’t diagnosed until he was in reception year and really struggling with the social interaction aspect of school.

It hasn’t always been easy (he is 15 now), but honestly...whatever your child is like, you are going to love and adore them and do your very best for them. It won’t matter.

No child is ‘perfect’, just as no parent is perfect. I think when we are expecting our first baby, we often have an idealised picture in our head of what it is all going to be like and anything that threatens that frightens us.

Things won’t be perfect. Your child will be a completely new little human being - who knows what like? But you will adore him. And whatever challenges life throws at you, you’ll manage. Promise.

Puffalicious · 26/07/2020 11:54

You really, really need help with your anxiety. I didn't worry about any of the things you listed, neither did my sister who had 2 MMC and gave birth to twins at.23 weeks who didn't make it. She went on to have her daughter and always thought you can't control what you can't control.

I have 2 neuro-typical DC yet my.youngest has ADHD with autistic traits. There is no generic link in either family and I have no fillings at all!

Once you control this anxiety you can enjoy your pregnancy and your child as you should. You need to act now or every waking moment once your child is born will be spent worrying.

Foreverbaffled · 26/07/2020 11:58

I felt so sad reading your post. Mainly because I struggled with severe postnatal anxiety with my DS and that too was focused on the risk of ASD. So I get it and I wish I could take away your worry.

You are reaching out for reassurance and goodness knows I understand that but ultimately (and I mean this so kindly because believe me I’ve been there) we can’t really do or say anything to change your state of mind. You might get some temporary relief from a poster saying something helpful but essentially the issue here isn’t so much ASD but that you are dealing with poor mental health. It’s so scary and real I know that.

I would speak to your GP or midwife if it’s impacting this much each day. I wish someone had said this to me when I was unwell. ASD is such a tricky area as the internet will link anything to it from mercury poisoning to eating too much cheese (okay might have made that last one up but you know what I mean!) so you won’t ever get relief until you treat your anxiety first.

Thinking of you x

Puffalicious · 26/07/2020 12:07

Forever a lovely post- it gets to the heart of it kindly.

MrsBobDylan · 26/07/2020 12:08

I understand you are anxious but you must stop with the 'it would be my fault' stuff. I have a severely autistic child and I don't think it is anyone's fault. He was born the way he was genetically designed. DH and I made a baby and it just so happened that we made one who had Autism.

Ha I a child with severe Autism is life changing stuff and all the worries in the world won't change that. I would try and focus on more benign stuff like decorating his room or buying some of those sock holder things to save yourself months of hunting for tiny socks when they slip off his feet. Those are the things you can control.

gypsywater · 26/07/2020 12:11

My younget sibling had ASD too and it's made me so anxious about having a baby :(

1990shopefulftm · 26/07/2020 12:21

My half sister has ASD and I have dyslexia and dyspraxia so I know there's a good chance my son will have one of my conditions if he doesn't have ASD but if it does happen then nothing I would have done caused it and I m probably more prepared than someone without the experience of being neurodiverse if he does have something.
I can't swim or drive or do many sports but it doesn't matter much to me as an adult.
I d consider speaking to your midwife about your concerns.

Areallthenamestaken · 26/07/2020 13:17

First of all you need to sort your anxiety. It's horrible to feel like this and you deserve a peaceful pregnancy. There is medication you can take that will not harm the baby and is safe for breastfeeding if that's what you choose to do.

Secondly, if your child has autism he already has it and there's no point in worrying about it because it will not change anything. I don't say that to be cruel, but to point out that you are worrying and putting yourself through this all needlessly.

If your son does have autism you will love him anyway and he is lucky to have a mum like you who already knows and adores people with autism and accepts them as they are. You are best prepared from your experiences to give him the best start at life. You know how to deal with behaviours and quirks that come with ASD and most importantly you know that ASD is not the worst thing that can happen to a child and is not the end of the world. Yes life may be a bit different but it is not necessarily worse. (I am an autism specialist teacher so I have experience with autistic children)

Please speak to your midwife and/or gp. You don't need to suffer like this and you deserve to enjoy your pregnancy.

Coromandine · 26/07/2020 13:24

I think bullying isn't what it was when we were kids. Or at least comparing my childhood to my kids' childhood i don't think it is. Schools are much more proactive about it now. Dd is a teenager at the local comp and has never been bullied about her red hair. A boy in her primary class with autism was loved not bullied by the other kids. Racism that i remember from my childhood isn't tolerated as it was. In fact i think my primary school head master was racist himself (70s/early 80s)

Original poster

SilverLining89 · 26/07/2020 14:07

Firstly I'd just like to say that I'm really touched by everyone's responses. I'm just on the sofa having a little cry... I think its more a release of pent up, unshed emotion than it is sadness. But thank you everyone for your posts, not being judgemental in the slightest and actually being very practical about my feelings.

It wasn't until a few posters have said that my worrying so much isn't normal, that I realised that it isn't. I honestly thought every pregnant woman worried about these things and in as much depth as I did.

@Dyra I have a feeling this will be me with worrying about every milestone. Which is why its important for me to talk to someone now. Thank you for your post. Love to you and DD.

@Foreverbaffled you are right about Google. It has not been my friend 🤣 I had never considered myself to have a mental health issue before ... I guess everyone looks at me and thinks 'she is really together'. Thank you for being so kind.

@MaryHeck you hit the nail on the head about picturing perfection and anything outside of that being frightening. I am very OCD at home, the thought of an imperfection around the house can haunt me whilst I'm out shopping, visiting family, at work ... but I will love my son so much, regardless of anything 💙

@Areallthenamestaken you are so lovely to say he is lucky. Thank you for your kind words.

@Coromandine I do think this to. I work in a school that has an ASD Hub and I think kids are far more accepting today. I guess this is just old scars that still haunt me.

Thank you again everyone. I think as @MaryHeck said, I'm aiming for perfection and I have visions in my mind and anything outside of that really frightens me. But I have to accept that these things are out of my control. But I will love my son, no matter what.

I have a midwife appointment next Thursday for 28 weeks and she is lovely so I will definitely mention how I feel to her then.

I wish I could post a photo of my nephew. He really is the most handsome and dapper 3 year and 10 month old. Even if his favourite thing to do right now is try and squeeze their dog to death. 🙈🙈

OP posts:

YinuCeatleAyru · 26/07/2020 14:21

Anxiety sucks and you have my sympathies.

Whether or not your own child has ASD is not something you can affect by worrying but most certainly worrying a lot, and raising your cortisol level, while you are pregnant (and later if you breastfeed) will not be good for either of you, so try to focus on having serenity instead.

Its easy to panic about how overwhelming it would be to be the mother of a child with special needs. And certainly you as you are today would find it quite overwhelming to suddenly be the parent of a 6 year old with severe difficulties - but that is not going to happen. For a start, many children with special needs have their conditions relatively mildly and life isn't hugely different from what their parents might have expected, aside from adjustments which are made to accommodate their needs. Secondly, none of this is going to happen suddenly. All babies have immense needs and it is overwhelming becoming a parent for the first time, even when there are no special needs present. You then begin the many-year process of getting to know and understand your child, who you love unconditionally. You will find out what works for them, and will adapt, and take pride in their achievements and encourage them to learn and grow, and that will be true whether your child is totally neurotypical with no disabilities, or has extremely difficult additional needs - because they will be an individual, and your own flesh and blood. You are frightened because you have not met them yet, but it won't be frightening when you are living it. You will be OK.

SoloMummy · 26/07/2020 17:04

@SilverLining89

Hi everyone, Happy Sunday!

I am writing this post to vent more than anything as I've been alone with my worries for the last week or so and I'm finding it really hard. I should say a disclaimer at this point I am a worrier by nature, my Mum always says if I didn't have a worry I would buy one.

I am 27 weeks pregnant with a much longed for little boy who is currently dancing a jig in my tum and my partner and I are so excited. We had a MMC last Winter and it was the lowest I have been. This baby is such a gift and I love him so much already. But the pregnancy isn't without its worries due to the previous MMC.

1st it was making it to 12 weeks.
2nd the screening for Downs, Edwards and Pataus.
3rd making it to 20.
4th constantly worried about what I have eaten.
5th crippling worry everyday about movement ... is he moving enough? He hasn't moved for a while etc.

So pretty much the same as most pregnant ladies.

Now I'm heading towards the third trimester, my latest worry is that my boy will be Autistic. The reason being is my younger brother has Aspergers and then when my sister was pregnant with my nephew it never even crossed my mind he may be autistic too. Around 2 years old we realised he is quite delayed and he is approaching his fourth birthday and is still delayed- will still only drink milk from a bottle (Coconut, as he is allergic to formula), in nappies, doesn't talk, doesn't draw or play, just loves to walk around in his own world, mumbling his little noises. 💙

He is very smart in other ways - is obsessed with water and theme park rides 🤣 and I should state is the absolute sunshine of my life/our lives. We have a very close bond and I am proud to say that when I am in the room, no one else gets a look in, much to my Mum's dismay 🤣

I explain all this because I am not prejudice against autistic people. But it hurts me that he isn't like others ... I've never heard him speak and I worry that he never will. Because I love him so much, I want the best for him and it pains me he may not experience a life like others. I know this is illogical as he is oblivious but I cant help the way I feel.

I am haunted by the memory of children circling around my brother on the playground when we were kids and saying awful, unkind things and treating him poorly because he was different and I never want my nephew ... or child to have to experience that.

It sounds niave but it only occurred to me two weeks ago that my boy could also be autistic as it seems we have a genetic strain of it - with my nephew being a lot more severe than my brother.

My partner text me this week to say he is so excited to take our son away when he is a little older and teach him to swim and I know he has visions of taking him to Saturday football matches ... and I'm worried that might not happen and I would hate for him to blame me. DP wouldn't do this but I know it would be my fault.

Being stuck in this mode of worry has lead me to research a lot this week about cause of Autism and one thing they say could be responsible is Mercury poisoning. I have two amalgam fillings at the moment - I had some more previously but had them changed about 6 years ago. I am worried that alongside my family genetics, I am also poisoning my son everyday and therefore making it more likely and for some reason I am finding this agonising. That a visit to the dentist in my 20s will mean that I can affect my children's futures forever. I want to burst into tears at the slightest thing at the moment.

I guess what I am looking for is some rational thinking. Or for someone to say "this is ridiculous because of x, y and z". Or that I should snap out of this pit because we are so very lucky - which I already know but it is hard to fully feel that when I am crippled with worry all the time.

Anyone have experience with autistic children want to share their stories? Or anyone just want to tell me to shut up?

Thank you for reading xx

When pregnant, I literally went from one "issue" to another from bleeding throughout, low pappa so risk of iugr, poor placental location, poor movements, high risk of Downs etc. So like you I felt I literally jerked from one potential disaster to another. And had barely any opportunity to relieve the stress level before the next "episode". Like you I have sibling, aunt and uncle on the spectrum as well as half of my nieces and nephews! I didn't even think about autism. I considered DS and was just so grateful to be hopefully blessed that even if I had been told lo would have autism it wouldn't have changed my mindset. My lo is on the spectrum, diagnosed the youngest of all my siblings children. Presented from very early. My lo is perfect. Yes definitely has quirks. And sometimes it's hard when lo doesn't process as others may. But that's a fleeting moment. Yes lo was delayed, very "emotional", incredibly tactile seeking, but PERFECT and I genuinely wouldn't change for the world. Noone is to blame for my Los autism. Its luck of the draw and I was lucky! Whether you have a child with or without autism, there will always be a concern as a parent, that much I can promise you. It never stops.

ChatWithMe · 26/07/2020 20:48

I have a nephew with non verbal autism so it worries me too. Getting pregnant is a gamble because the outcome is largely unknown until it's too late. So I got pregnant knowing there is a small risk of things going wrong because there's a much bigger chance of things going right! There's nothing you can do now to change the outcome. So best to try self help strategies for anxiety management or even mindfulness. Read a CBT self help book or ask midwife for a referral to CBT. It will help. Worry doesn't fix problems and when you stop being consumed by worry you're able to solve the problems which are in your control. Enjoy your baby ❤️