Feeling upset - anyone else had family unexpectedly react badly to pregnancy?

[Tasje]

I’m 13+4 and last week my partner told his family that we’re expecting. The pregnancy comes after a year of health problems where I wasn’t allowed to TTC so we're really happy and glad it is progressing well so far. My partner is close with all of his family and his parents were happy but his sister’s initial response was very unenthusiastic.

Then a couple of days later she gave my partner a call and asked whether he thinks we’re cut out to be parents, that it’s going to be really hard and we might not be up to it, that we should be married (we’re mid-30s and have been together six years) etc. Her parents have tried talking to her but apparently got a lot of anger back.

I realise people can have valid reasons for not being happy about someone else’s pregnancy and I don't mind if that's the case here. But I feel like I've had a big knock to my confidence when I was expecting we were just going to get a straightforward congratulations. We’ve always been supportive of her 5yo and shown him lots of love plus some minor financial support so it hurts not to be getting some supportive words back.

I was wondering if anyone else has been in this situation or else has any words of wisdom for someone feeling worried about their future parenting skills?

Yep my sister was quite unpleasant when I told her. We'd just got engaged too and the first thing out of her mouth was just a massive rant about how you don't have to get married just because you're having a baby. No congratulations, nothing nice to say and it persisted for weeks and weeks, in fact it's only at 30 weeks she's started to be normal about it. I kind of expected this from her but it still really hurt, I just avoided talking to her about the pregnancy as much as I could in the end, after the initial period where I didn't really want to talk to her anyway. IMO the reason she's like that is partly jealousy and partly disliking change, she's cross at me for changing the family make up and the status quo.

Also I would absolutely not let her make you doubt your future parenting skills, it is nothing whatsoever to do with her whether you feel ready for a child or not, and it's not kind at all to try and make you doubt yourselves. I would discuss with DP and withdraw from her for a while, it may be she's struggling to process the news and thats her overriding emotion at the moment.

Yes, my dad asked me if it was too late to do anything about it and told me I’d ruined my life.

Is your sister in law jealous perhaps?

Could she have been unsuccessfully trying to conceive her second for several years?

You poor thing! Block out negative people. Babies are wonderful. Congratulations!

It's usually jealousy.

That's really crappy. Congratulations on your wonderful news!

If it makes you feel any better, the most tumbleweed pregnancy announcement was my brother (married with young kids) announcing that his secretary was having his baby.

That was a real corker.

Two of my SIL were exactly like your SIL but after a few months they came around to the idea. With my second pregnancy one of the SILs was fine with it the second didn’t acknowledge my pregnancy, never spoke about it, I felt guilty and awful and it’s lead to mental health issues, now that second SIL had her own baby she’s fine with my two. Maybe just give it sometime, some people just can’t be happy for others, it’s their fault not yours.

I’ve really noticed that a lot of people have strange reactions to pregnancy. I’ve been with my partner for 4 years and we have a property together and are late 20s/early 30s. I was really shocked when people, close and distant, kept asking us “if it was planned” and “did we not think about marriage first” and the like. People are really nosey. Our pregnancy IS planned, but even if it wasn’t that’s not their business? I’m so disappointed by how judgemental people are - I didn’t even know this was a thing!

It sounds like your sister needs to grow up and learn to be more supportive.
Congratulations and please don’t let people rain on your parade.

Jesus that’s awful. I can’t believe people can be like this. I’d basically cut her out, unless she does some serious, serious apologising. it’s unforgivable imo. Boundaries are key and you don’t want to be around someone like that, especially now. Please don’t take this woman’s cruelty as a reflection on your future parenting skills. It’s not acceptable, and I hope your husband is Feeling ok also as that must’ve been upsetting for him to hear x

Anyway- forget her- Congratulations on your beautiful news, and you’ll be wonderful parents! All you and all of us can do is try our best and love our babies and I’ve no doubt that’s what you’ll do. Good luck

Sorry, partner! You don’t need to worry about being married that has literally nothing to do with parenting.

Granted my pregnancy was unplanned and with a relatively new partner but my sister reacted like I told her someone had died.

I'm 37 weeks now and she's a lot better than she was but her reaction definitely caused a lot of bad feeling on my part.

My family have been lovely but I've had some less than warm reactions from friends. I'm 30 and married, but I'm the first of any of my friends to have a baby. My friends are mostly middle class career driven types who consider marriage and kids before your mid-late 30s or even 40s a bit odd. One of them asked me if I'd considered the impact on my career, and another said she was 'struggling to get her head round it'. When I've sent scan pictures to our group chat they've outright ignored them and said nothing. It's horrible 😔

I was 24 and I told my mother and grandmother together, my gran was happy and excited, my mother said "at least you don't live with me, so I don't have to hear it cry"

I gave her some space she came round to it. She loves DS dearly, think it was just a knee jerk reaction to her unwed 24 year old being pregnant, the shock as it was very unexpected.

Perhaps SIL will come round, I know it hurts, and it knocks you back, bit she might calm down. Perhaps she has had infertility issues, not that it excuses her behaviour but perhaps she's just said it out of anger and sadness. Or she's just shocked/unhappy about it and again lashing out. Again not that it's acceptable.

Thank you so much everyone! It's so nice to hear supportive comments because I've only told two people on my side so far (I wanted to get the results of the screening test before I tell more people) and so it's so nice to hear congratulations and well wishes!

I can't believe how many people have had similar bad experiences. I thought it was normal to say a big congratulations and if you have any negative thoughts to keep them to yourself.

MIL called partner tonight and said she thinks SIL has been trying to conceive for a while and struggling. She hasn't lashed out at friends/in-laws over their pregnancies but I guess maybe she is too embarrassed to react in that way around people who are not blood family. Anyway, I still feel unimpressed at her reaction, but I understand it a bit better now. It has also made me realise how much this is about her unfortunate problems and not us.

Sending the congratulations you all deserve for everyone that has also been on the receiving end of bad reactions

I found out im pregnant with my 2nd. Told my Mum which she weren’t best impressed said some really horrible/ harsh things that will stick with me forever. However we are on talking terms now and she just says snidy comments whenever I mention baby, it’s not what she says its how she says it… for example I say something like “oh i’m scared of putting so much weight back on” shes like well you wanted it or when im looking at baby thing to get shes like “its guna be expensive” I don’t know the point of this post but im just feeling like everyone is just being so negative instead of support like you can do this you can make it work but yeah….