I miss my old life... (rant ahead, be warned)

[carlablack]

It's been little over 4 months. Right now I'm in the middle of a breakdown, crying on the couch. Haven't had one of these in a while (since the beginning of first trimester). I'm well aware of my blessings; at 21 weeks my baby's healthy, I have an amazing husband and my family's healthy. We've been doing a good job entertaining ourselves during this time, keeping ourselves busy with various hobbies.

Today I failed. I could not pretend everything's fine. I feel this massive longing for the life I used to have and it's not just coronavirus. Even if it mutates into a common cold, I will never go back to my old life because I'm going to be a mother.

Don't get me wrong, I had a very domestic lifestyle. I worked from home and had no friends, just me and hubby. I had my mini routines that I now realise were a vital part of my life. Small things like starting the day with a long grueling HIIT workout, getting dressed up, shopping for pretty lingerie to boost my already solid self image and then eating out and having a nice cup of coffee etc.

That person sounds like someone else now. I can hear you guys say "you can do them all with a baby!" You're probably right. I know there's light at the end of tunnel, I'm just not seeing it. What I see after birth is sleepless nights, baby troubles and a body damaged to a point I cannot even foresee.

Worst part is, I'm not emotionally connected with the baby. I feel the responsibility right on my shoulders and am doing everything under the sun to make sure she's ok, but love isn't there yet. I also feel so guilty typing this.

There's no point to this post really, I cannot share these grim thoughts with anyone but here. If you read this far, wow...sorry for the negativity.

You sound like you may have antenatal depression? Definitely worth a chat with your midwife.

If it helps, my eldest was a great sleeper and my body is still pretty much the same as it was before I had my DC (well, maybe not exactly the same, but certainly a long way from damaged beyond belief!) It doesn't have to be awful, you might be surprised.

Look, having a baby is a massive change, it's normal to mourn your old life! Also normal not to love the baby yet... it's only tiny at the moment. When it's born you'll feel differently. Stop feeling so guilty and beating yourself up about this stuff, honestly most people feel the same at some point.

@carlablack im not going to lie. Had the shock of my life when my lo was born. I used to sleep 14 hours. Loved my sleep. That went down to 3 hours. 9 months now. And it's only now getting easier.

As others have said it's fine to mourn the way things were b.c. (before children) and sometimes it's easy to get overwhelmed by how dependant babies and toddlers are on us. But they're not little for long, it will fly by and as they get older it does get easier to do those things like a work out, shopping and coffee and have real time for yourself. Especially when they're in nursery and school. Dont forget your husband is there to help out so you can do those things as well x

This how I feel at 25 weeks I’ve been crying all day. My sadness is mostly related to how much I hate being pregnant, I can’t wait to have the baby and try and forge some type of new normal but I completely empathise with the lack of emotional attachment to the baby, it just doesn’t mean anything to me as a FTM, very abstract. Just want to do some things I enjoy instead of rotting on the sofa or in bed like a miserable potato with sore hips and fingers too swollen to wear my rings, but that’s all I can manage right now. Just had a candle lit bath and good cry and feel marginally better. Hope you feel better soon xx

Most people suddenly realise when pregnant that their life will never be the same again and it is very scary! Even for me currently pregnant with twins (children 2 and 3) I'm scared about how this will change the family dynamic and the life ive gotten used to and we've been through hell to get pregnant with these much longed for babies! But honestly it's NORMAL! I wouldn't necessarily say your suffering from depression just regular pregnancy anxiety. I also didn't feel very connected with DD during pregnancy either - sometimes felt a bit silly talking to the bump etc and even after she was born it was such a whirlwind and people in and out of your house constantly, appointments for this and that that it wasn't until a few weeks later when it was just me and her home that I felt that rush of maternal love.

You probably won't feel like the HIIT workouts die a while but you'll still be able to go for that nice coffee and take baby with you when they are small and sleep a lot in the pram. The nice underwear you'll still be able to buy - probably on line though but since every shop has closed the changing rooms for the foreseeable future having a baby won't make a difference......you'll get your life back gradually here and there and you may even find that you don't want it to go back fully to how it was x

I can also empathise. I look at pictures of a much slimmer me and feel sad that I won't have that figure again, and need to put away all those clothes and who knows if I could ever wear them again..

I also say to my husband that things won't ever be the same again. We won't have time to do fun things together just us two..and the house will never be as peaceful.

I guess it's an abrupt wake up call to the next chapter of life where you can't be selfish and carefree with all the time to yourself and your choices and wants which is hard to accept.

@Phiphi123 completely relate to this and the corona situation doesn't help. Still being careful about going out..so very bored at home feeling heavy..painful hips and feet and swollen fingers no wedding ring will squeeze onto!!!!

I felt really sad and anxious in my first pregnancy. I remember lying on my bed crying that I didn't love her. It was awful. I was diagnosed with prenatal depression that made me feel worse than I did already. I was convinced I was going to get pnd too. When I went into labour I felt something lift off me and I felt like myself again. I honestly think it was the pregnancy hormones that messed with me. She is 7 now and the light of my life. I always tell her that something changed the day she was born and it was the best day of my life.
In terms of your other worries. It sounds like you have an active life and want to continue it; go for it! You don't need to stop doing the things you love. I've just had my third and an only 6 pounds more than when I fell pregnant with number 1 and I know I will lose that. Little babies sleep a lot in the day so hopefully you can still fit in a workout a day. You can get a jogging buggy so you can run with baby once they are 6 months. We just did a hike last week for 10 miles with the baby in a sling. I know lots of people couldn't think of anything worse but it makes us happy so we do it! I definitely don't feel like my body is ruined after 3 kids. I still wear my bikini, I enjoy buying clothes and we bring the kids along on active stuff. Little babies are fine to take out for a coffee and once they are older they are fine too. There is a tricky toddler part where you have to get a takeaway and drink it in the park. Make sure you are open with your partner about how you feel, both before and after birth but I just wanted to paint and alternative picture for you that it doesn't have to be such a negative change of lifestyle.

Ps I know my story isn't everyone's and I have been lucky in some respects but just wanted to give you a positive story!

I can't help you with the not bonding with your baby bit but I know lots of people that have felt the same way you do ! I was like you in that I loved my sleep had my little routines and I was worried it was all going to change. I can tell you now it changes everything but not in the way I imagined... I don't want to sleep in anymore I want to be up doing things I've got really purpose I never realised I didnt have ! I have new routines which are just as effective ! Its totally normal to feel the way you are feeling but IT WILL BE OKAY

Similar to @wanderlove, I had pre natal depression and felt awful. Everything upset me and I was really fearful I would get post natal depression.

As soon as I had my baby, I felt like a normal person. I felt almost like the crazy hormones had drained from me!

In terms of your life being over, that is absolutely not true at all. Some babies sleep and even if they dont (like mine!), it is for a really short period of time. I guarantee the love you feel for the baby will override any tiredness. I was similar to you OP that I didnt feel bonded to my baby when i was pregnant, it was all very abstract then. As soon as I held her all that changed.

I also think if you are I'm fairly good shape before pregnancy, it is easier to get back to you normal size after. Though I cant really offer advice as I was overweight before so I definitely am now

If you are feeling so down, you should speak to your GP or midwife as they may be able to help.

Yes it will be hard, for a while. But you will get at least some semblance of your life back the older baby gets. I felt like I was stuck in fog for years. DD is 8 now, I'm a single parent. As she got older and less totally dependent I've gone on to do things just for me that are important to me which didn't just come down to me being a mother as the long and short of it. You're still you and you will be even as a mum.

I think it's pretty standard to have "what have we done" moments/days/weeks and we're living through a very strange period of time which forces even more reflection I think.

I'm expecting my second and although there's plenty of bits about having a baby that are frankly shit, there's plenty that isn't. Having a baby made me think about what I was doing before - I had a hangover pretty much every weekend for 15 years, I don't miss that! I went back into my regular clothes at about 2 months PP with very little effort, still exercise and go to more classes than pre baby, I've made more friends than before through different baby groups and classes, I have better conversations with friends and family because they take place over coffee or in the park rather than over a bottle of wine! We still have meals out, go the cinema and go on holiday - you just have to be organised and change a few things round to suit baby. I've no answer on the sleep front though, the sleep deprivation is awful but you get through it somehow.

Just want to echo everyone else and say what you’re feeling is completely normal, I had it all too and was terrified I wouldn’t love my baby as I felt so negatively about the fact I was pregnant and about to lose my life. It was actually reading lots of threads on here by others who had felt the same that made me feel a lot better. You just don’t read about negative experiences of pregnancy much in the media or hear people talking about it - it seems assumed that if you are pregnant you are 100% thrilled about it and really excited to meet your baby. I didn’t feel like that at all, even though it was planned. Anyway of course my fears were unfounded and I love my kid (now nearly 3) fiercely. I still really miss my old identity and freedom but I still get to do all the stuff I did before, just less frequently! And it gets easier as they get older, and turn into great human beings that are really entertaining to be around. So hang in there, it will be ok! Also just wanted to add if you don’t feel a rush of love when the baby is born that is completely normal too, it can take a while to feel connected x

Thank you all, I feel waay better now :)

It's funny how I used to complain about my life. I don't think it's AD though, for the most part I came to accept the change. I just have a fit every now and then. Hearing assuring comments from experienced mothers always helps

Glad you feel better! When I read your post, I thought it was perfectly understandable and struck me as a bad day/patch. I have anxiety and I can usually pick up if people are mentally in a bad way but from your post and thinking back to how I felt and other posts I read at that time, I think it’s totally understandable to feel the way you do eg to mourn the loss of your old life and also not feel bonded with a bump. I found the bump easier to bond with as it got bigger and I could feel more. At 38 weeks it is clear for me now that there is an actual, full size baby in there now 😂
I really think the full 9.5 months takes you on a journey through various thoughts and emotions - ranging from unbelievably positive to sometimes being absolutely terrified or really down and even questioning your decision to have a baby but the feelings are like clouds in that they often pass overhead. I think it’s good to be honest about how you feel and get it off your chest. I think we try to avoid negative feelings but as a counsellor once told me, they really are just as valid a part of the human experience and a full life lived is one that experienced sadness as well as joy.
I think you’re going to be grand. I think people like telling horror stories about how you’ll not have any time for fitness etc but I disagree. I really think most things are possible in life if you want them badly enough. You’re obviously super motivated so have faith that you won’t lose yourself.
I think it will be hard at first and that we might need to hang on in there in the few couple of months. I’m due this week and I’m mentally prepared that I’m going to be terrified, sore, probably crazy happy and weepy and that the subsequent weeks will probably feel like climbing Everest!! Hopefully it will go easier than I think but in my mind, even if it’s a total nightmare, it’s for a period of time (the upheaval) but at some point it will get easier and then I can maybe do something, however small, for myself and that will be the start of getting some semblance of the me before pregnancy back. I can’t wait to be a mum but I think I’ll be a better mum if I don’t lose my identity and I really think you can to some degree, have it all.

Sorry for the essay !!

It’s great that you can let it out OP and I really relate to having occasional fits as you say. I feel like I have one about once a month where I just want to cry (and usually do) about everything I will ‘lose’ and missing my lovely clothes I can’t wear, feeling carefree etc. I’m 31 weeks and just had one this weekend crying about my boobs. I expect I’ll have a couple more before baby arrives! It’s really important to acknowledge the negative and difficult feelings, but not everyone feels comfortable doing so or when you do, which leads to a situation where it seems everyone else just loves being pregnant and never resents it! I’ve been talking to my DH lots about the feeling of overwhelming responsibility of using my body to nurture our child and it’s been great to share that; it’s got him thinking about what he’ll be able to do to care for her after she’s born and being really proactive already which is making me feel mostly very excited about our future as a family. Just keep riding the waves, I reckon it’s good practice for parenthood too!

I’m exactly the same at 19 weeks - for every couple of good days, I have a bad day.

It’s just a wobble about how different life will be, I’m not great with change at the best of times and trying to navigate pregnancy during a global pandemic is hard. I have no concept of how different it would be to have DH at scans, to be able to freely go to shops to look at baby items, to meet up in person with family and friends who live too far away to do a day trip.

I’m trying to handle it by acknowledging that there will be bad days, to have a little cry & a couple of hours in bed and to really think about what has triggered my emotions on a particular thing.

DH keeps saying “our lives were full before and they will be full now in a different way” and also “we’re not going to know any other way of doing this, so what we go with will be right regardless” and I’m trying to keep that in my head.

Are you still working out at all? If I cut out exercise it has a hugely detrimental affect on my happiness and anxiety level, if you have completely cut it out, perhaps look at reintroducing some? Endorphins always help! glad you are feeling a little better

@PoodlesAreMySpiritAnimal wow, that's an essay I'd go back to read whenever I feel down! thank you!

@AudHvamm I'll probably have more frequent fits the closer due date gets. I did talk to DH about this and he was very supportive, but I know it also upsets him deep down and don't want to ruin the experience for him.

@MaverickDanger You're so right, any potential happy moment of this once in a lifetime experience is fully destroyed by coronavirus. Had a very hard time when I found out I was pregnant.

@Whiffle77 yes I am. I was supposed to work out on that day but it got interrupted with a crying episode. It's funny that I also overdid on carbs yesterday, I wonder if there's any connection