Overbearing mother

[Razpoot]

A bit of a vent to get it off my chest and welcome to any advice. I love my mother and I'm glad she is being so supportive, but I'm starting to get extremely crabbit! She keeps saying things that make me feel a bit suffocated, "when the baby is born you should let me stay over at your house every day, let me set up the spare bed or I'll just sleep on the sofa". She's insisted on moving into another family members house nearby while they're away so she can come over as much as possible, and she keeps telling me when I'm in labour she's going to wait outside the hospital until i come out! I tried explaining to her that after labour i think i will need some time to recover and be alone and she got quite upset. Then what really irritated me this morning was when she messaged me telling me "my car has got a puncture so when you go into labour we will have to go in a taxi x ".

What?!?!?!?!?

For context I dont have a car and neither does my partner, so my plan is to either have his parents or my father take me (he is seperated from my mum) and then if not them and a last minute resort an ambulance as my midwife suggested. At no point did we ever agree that she was taking me, and I'm definitely not going in a taxi unless there was no other way! The reason I dont want my mother to take me/bring me back with the baby is that she is a hoarder, her car is very very unsanitary and she wouldnt fit a baby seat in there either.

Am i being too irritable? I guess I should be thankful that i have a mother who is investe. Maybe its the hormones haha. Anything I should say to her?

With covid19 she probably won't be allowed in hospital.

Sounds really suffocating to me. Its an awkward situation as you don't want to annoy her because then maybe she won't help at all when baby comes.

However She's coming from a good place. You're her baby and she just wants to help. Some people would love to be in your position having no help at all.

I woukd definitley sort your own trasnport to the hospital though just to put your mind at ease.

One reason covid restrictions could work in your favour.

She won't be allowed.

Maybe say to her.

Mum it's lovely you want to be involved but only husband can come with me. We have transport there so no rush with the car. (even husband can only go In once 4cm or more dilated too) after birth it's 1 hour with husband they have to leave.
(No Visitors.)
We will let you know when we are ready for visitors as at the moment newborns aren't advised to be 'shielded' with the fact they have no immune system so we wish to protect the baby and follow this. But thank you anyway,

Then you've explained yourself, nipped it in the bud and thanked her.

Ps I'd have lost my shit by now 🤣

That meant newborns are advised to shield

@BabyG123

One reason covid restrictions could work in your favour.

She won't be allowed.

Maybe say to her.

Mum it's lovely you want to be involved but only husband can come with me. We have transport there so no rush with the car. (even husband can only go In once 4cm or more dilated too) after birth it's 1 hour with husband they have to leave.
(No Visitors.)
We will let you know when we are ready for visitors as at the moment newborns aren't advised to be 'shielded' with the fact they have no immune system so we wish to protect the baby and follow this. But thank you anyway,

Then you've explained yourself, nipped it in the bud and thanked her.

Ps I'd have lost my shit by now 🤣

This is good. But you need to say it asap. It would be unkind to leave her thinking that she's going with you to the hospital and then for it to just not happen.

I definitely feel for you, not me but a friend's mum was like this when she was pregnant. It's long but basically:

The mum insisted on being there for the birth (pre covid) and wouldn't take no for an answer despite being told repeatedly by my friend and her husband. She kept saying things like "you don't know what you're saying, you're going to need me" etc.

She was then obviously not told when my friend went into labour, but unfortunately my friend's sister told her (not realising she wasn't supposed to). The sister told my friend in a panic that their mum was on the way, so they warned the midwives. The mum turned up and then kicked off at not being let in, tried to insist she had rights as a grandparent, and phoned my friend nonstop until my friend finally answered (mid labour), screamed at her, hung up and switched the phone off.

The mum then didn't speak to my friend for about three weeks, while telling everyone that my friend was cutting her out of her life and her grandchild's life for no reason. They tried contact on/off for a while but the common thread was that the mum didn't like boundaries or being told no, so contact got massively cut down to about once a month.

She's now constantly posting on social media about how people are so ungrateful, young people won't be told or take advice, etc.

@Razpoot I don’t think your being too irritable at all. That would drive me crazy! It’s hard to say whether you should say anything as you don’t want to end up regretting it! Is it her first grandchild?

My mum isn’t pushing anywhere near as much as yours but I am getting anxious (may also be my pregnancy hormones) about her expectations around frequency of visits and length of time. I know she definitely expected to be in the delivery room before Covid due to previous comments she’s made but that’s not an option now so hasn’t come up! I feel bad because I may end up needing more support than I think but at the moment in my head I just want time for me and my partner to bond with the baby without feeling guilty about not having her there all of the time! I may be getting anxious for no reason as she hasn’t actually said how often she expects to come round but I get the impression it would be daily if I allowed it!

Interested to hear others opinions on how often you think a normal amount of time to wait before parents first visit is and then frequency of subsequent visits?

@Sweety03 I think normal is what you are comfortable with. Some people prefer motherly help from the very first days, others want some time to settle into the routine and bond before welcoming visitors. I am personally in the second category and have quite a difficult relationship with my mother. She wanted to come and stay with us from birth itself (she lives in another country, so would involve flights, and she just doesn't listen re timing). She coming to stay at our house from around labour is stuff my nightmares are made of. She is now offended and not really talking to me that I've asked her to a) stay in the hotel and b) come 2 weeks after due date.
I am due at the end of October, so there is still time. What I've learned is you have to be firm with asserting your wishes around that time.

@Mc3209 yeah your right, I’m usually very blunt with her but with this I’m finding it hard to be. I just don’t want her to think me putting boundaries/limits in place will reflect how I deem our relationship (if you see what I mean?).

Oh wow, that is pretty demanding! My relationship with my mum is fairly close but I wouldn’t want her staying with me for two weeks either!! It’s a shame your mother is offended, lots of grandmothers seem to think it’s about them and their needs 😂. I wouldn’t be comfortable with anyone who has just come off a plane going anywhere near my baby!

I’m probably just overthinking things myself. Just keep envisioning the daily messages of “shall I pop over” and then either feeling guilty for saying no or angry that I’m putting myself out. Minor problem on the grand scheme of things i know, should feel grateful really!

@Sweety03 perhaps have few heart to heart chats with your mum? As you have a close relationship, she might surprise you how understanding she could be and she may appreciate the openness.

@Razpoot I like how @BabyG123 phrased it. I might borrow some of those suggestions myself 😬

Hope it helps. Can't say I'd be as calm as I would have lost it by now. But this is the rational me haha

Hope it helps. Can't say I'd be as calm as I would have lost it by now. But this is the rational me haha