Gender disappointment after loss

[stormsandrainbows]

I lost my baby 4 years ago totally unexpectedly during childbirth, he was a perfect little boy but complications during labour & subsequent emergency section meant we weren't able to bring him home.

We had another child after, a little girl this time. The whole pregnancy was very nerve wrecking and although I felt a little disappointed at 20 weeks when we found out she was a girl, I had a feeling she would be a "she" and I came to terms with it very quickly. To be honest most of her pregnancy was very emotional and a bit of a blur but luckily she was born safely by csection (my second) and she is utterly amazing.

I am now pregnant again, 21 weeks. This pregnancy has been so like my sons.. the same sickness, cravings, just general feelings.. I was convinced we would be having another little boy. We had our scan almost a week ago and my feelings were wrong and it's another little girl. I am so so grateful the scan went well and everything looks healthy and how it should for this stage. I'm part of a SANDS group and I know not everyone is so lucky but I just can't help being overcome with feelings of loss and disappointment, I've been crying every time I think about it since the scan last week.

Someone once told me that when you lose your baby you aren't just losing your newborn you lose the toddler years, the growing child, the teenager, guiding them as an adult and all the experiences you should have had together in between.. and I feel that more than ever. I've always imagined myself being a mother to a little boy and I feel like this has been taken away from me again. This will be my last pregnancy as it will be my 3rd section and I know the risks go up after 3. I knew when we were ttc that it might be another girl but I honestly didn't expect to feel like this at all.

I know how ungrateful I sound, in fact if I had read this post after losing my little boy I would have wanted to shake myself for being so selfish and stupid. Happy and healthy is all that matters, I absolutely know that but yet I still can't shake this feeling. I know I will love my daughter like I love all of my children and I know a boy wouldn't replace the son I lost, no one could ever do that. I know the pros - a sister for my daughter, able to reuse our baby things, another crazy bouncy member of our family, that our son will have a special place as the only boy we ever had but no matter how many times I try to tell myself this the sadness still creeps in.
Im not too sure why I'm posting this, I suppose I can't speak to anyone in real life as I know how selfish it sounds, especially as I know what it's like to lose a child first hand and ultimately all I want is to take this baby home safely too.
I just want to know if anyone else has ever felt something similar and if so what they did to help themselves feel better about things and not like something as trivial as gender be so upsetting.

Being upset about gender is trivial... but the complicated and difficult path of grieving and recovering after the loss of your son is not.

Reading your post it sounds like this pregnancy has stirred up those feelings of grief. I’m afraid I don’t know what you do about that. But I don’t think you should feel guilty. I’ve never been in your position but I could imagine feeling that way. Hope feelings resolve as your pregnancy progresses but if not that you can get support.

sorry, no real advice, I didn't want to read and run.

Grief doesn’t make sense and it doesn’t have to. I had gender disappointment despite battling infertility and multiple losses for years. It turned out to be unresolved issues from my losses / ivf battle. Try and talk to your mw about a MH referral so you can talk to someone about your feelings (at least) in a safe space.

Bless you. You ARE a mother to a little boy- your firstborn son. It’s okay to be sad that you’re not getting to be with your son and care for him every day. That’s okay to be sad about. It’s all okay and it’s normal and it’s bloody unfair and shitty too. It’s okay though to be both sad about your loss And happy about your pregnancy.
Let yourself feel what you feel and stop the “should” word from even entering your head- there is no right or wrong for this. 💕

I don't think it's really gender disappointment, it's just stirred up your grief again for the baby boy you lost. I think that's completely understandable. Be kind to yourself

It's understandable but once your dd is born, although your grief for your son won't go away, i think it'll become separate from your little girl when she becomes an actual person you love.

Sorry for your loss . You don't sound in the least bit ungrateful. I cried and cried for ages after my 20 week scan. It brought it home that I wasn't going to have the two daughters I would've had if I hadn't lost an earlier pregnancy at a late stage. I think it was a stage in the grieving process, and a necessary letting go of how I had thought my family would be, in preparation for welcoming another child.

Thank you so much for all your replies. I think you're right it's not so much gender disappointment as just general sadness and disappointment that I lost our first and only boy and I suppose the thought of having another made me feel a little closer to him and knowing what he would be like and now I won't have that chance either - even though I know that's irrational and they could well have been totally different.

Sorry name change fail there..

Thank you so much for all your replies. I think you're right it's not so much gender disappointment as just general sadness and disappointment that I lost our first and only boy and I suppose the thought of having another made me feel a little closer to him and knowing what he would be like and now I won't have that chance either - even though I know that's irrational and they could well have been totally different.

I don't really have any advice but I didn't want to read without sending my love and strength to you.
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