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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Am I being selfish to try again? Older woman

17 replies

bellctrying · 15/07/2020 23:53

Hi all

I wanted to ask opinions on whether I am just simply being selfish to try again for a baby at my stage of life - I just turned 43 and have no children.

A bit of background - I met my amazing DH just before I turned 36 (he was 29 about to turn 30) and we although we stopped using protection (sorry TMI!), we didn't really focus TTC until we got married. We married when I was 38 (and a half). I've never had any issues with periods or hormonal problems so although it was later, I didn't think we would have any issues. Not long after we married, his father was diagnosed with a terminal illness and I supported him through this and the long and devastating illness that followed. I don't think DH was anywhere near in the place to think about TTC. His father passed away about a year later and as they were very close, it took him time to come to terms with things. I honestly don't think it would have been possible to conceive during this period.

I hit 40 and as my husband was beginning to come to terms with things, I thought we should start to up the ante to TTC. Looking back, I think I could have pushed things harder in terms of urgency and perhaps the need to get assistance and as DH said since, he was perhaps naive and it was the one time I think our age difference may have told. He's normally much more mature than me!

Anyway, we did have lots of tests but no issues detected. In fact, most tests came back that my ovarian reserve was good for my age and there should be no issues. At 41, I fell pregnant but we lost the baby at 10 weeks. It was a traumatic experience as I hemorrhaged and fell dangerously ill myself. Again, it took a while to recover both emotionally and physically. But I was desperate to fall pregnant again and tried everything. Eventually, as no problem could be identified, our specialist suggested IVF which we completed - Again, we had good results throughout the process, and though ultimately unsuccessful, I am convinced implantation did take place (same sensations as before, small implantation bleed). This was at the start of the year and as coronavirus hit, we had some time to think about next steps as fertility treatment was suspended.

I fell pregnant naturally 10 weeks ago and had really strong symptoms but have just been diagnosed with a MMC. I'm now at home waiting for the inevitable to happen.

I turned 43 a couple of weeks ago,and although I would dearly love a child, I am beginning to wonder if this is just the way things are meant to be - Maybe it's just too late. Would I be selfish to try again? I know DH will do what I think is best but I also know he would be the most amazing father.

Obviously, in the midst of a MMC, I'm all over the place emotionally but I thought I would ask what you think.

Thanks

OP posts:

CrumblyMumbly · 16/07/2020 00:03

HI, sorry you have had such a rough time. I suppose a positive is that you are able to get pregnant and I don't think you are selfish at all for keeping on trying. I met my partner when I was 40 and had two early miscarriages, practically given up hope but got pregnant (naturally) at 45 and had my beautiful girl at 46. We call her the golden egg! I wish you all the luck in the world.

MiloDND16 · 16/07/2020 00:11

Ah that is so beautiful - What a cute name:) And congratulations - I'm so glad it worked out for you!

I do take heart from the fact we can conceive and my specialist doesn't think age is an issue.

Trying to keep the faith and sharing your story has helped.

CrumblyMumbly · 16/07/2020 00:24

I'm glad to have helped in a small way - good luck - sending good vibes your way.

SerendipitySunshine · 16/07/2020 00:41

I'd keep trying. Lots of my friends had their children in their mid 40s, and they are great parents.

Havlerr · 16/07/2020 00:46

I would keep trying if I was in the same boat. Lots of much younger people have MC’s, myself included, and continue trying afterwards so why shouldn’t you? Fwiw my mum has my youngest sister at 41 and my aunt had her DC at 45 so I wouldn’t think it’s too late or anything like that.

AntiHop · 16/07/2020 00:49

Keep trying. I'm 42 and ttc.

PoodlesAreMySpiritAnimal · 16/07/2020 10:26

I’d keep trying! You sound like you really badly want to be a mum and I think a child would be blessed to be so loved. I’m sorry for all of the difficulties you’ve been through.
In my opinion, sometimes life circumstances mean we are starting a family a little later on and I think you can feel that you are judged as you get into your forties. I’m 40 and about to have my first. We don’t plan on this being our only child. Nature being willing we really hope to add another when I’m 43 but we don’t see that age as our limit, it’s more that we think we’ll be able to cope with another by then, all being well. I think if you have the energy and motivation to be parents then you might be in a ‘better’ position than some people half your age, in terms of your own headspace and also what you can offer a child. I’m obviously not slagging anyone off here - I’m just trying to say that it isn’t as simple/binary as age in my opinion. I think there are some amazing younger parents who are nailing it and also people 20 years down the line who are rocking it too. Like with anything, who is to judge? Encouraging each other seems more productive.
Really wishing you a lot of luck x

MinesALatte · 16/07/2020 11:06

So sorry for your loss I definitely think you shouldn’t give up. Sounds like you’re in a wonderful relationship and the baby will be so loved.
I’m 34, 10 weeks pregnant FTM - my OH will be 45 when ours arrives and I want another. I feel a bit guilty about his age on the child, but then I think he’s fitter than lots of our friends 10 years younger (and his mental age is even lower 😂) and no one knows what will happen. I knew a couple who had children at 20 and tragically the Dad passed away not long after m - no one knows what can happen

Good luck x

Isthisfinallyit · 16/07/2020 11:17

I'd keep trying a bit longer. You do have a higher chance of miscarriage at your age but if you can deal with that I wouldn't give up your dream yet. I've had multiple losses, and although horrible if you do get pregnant it seems worth it somehow. The downside is that if you don't get pregnant you've just spent time going through this shit so it's up to you.

MiloDND16 · 16/07/2020 20:06

Hi all

Thanks for the messages and support. Think I'm still so emotional waiting for the nature to take it's course at the moment that my head's been a bit all over the place. But I know I'm not ready to give up and I just believe so strongly that parenthood is in our future.

Poodles - And you are right, people of all ages are out there being amazing parents. Age is not the most important thing. Congratulations! I hope everything goes really well for you both now and with no.2!

Latte - Congrats to you too. Brilliant news. And if it helps, my Dad was in his late 40s when I came along and early 50s with my brother. He's amazing and more fun than a lot of my friends younger dads were! Good luck!

MinesALatte · 16/07/2020 20:21

Ah thank you, that’s so lovely to read!

So pleased you won’t give up. Hope you’ll be ok with nature taking its course xx

333mumtobe · 16/07/2020 20:25

100% keep going for it! Nothing selfish about wanting to become a mum! The fact that you’re getting pregnant is a very positive sign and a signal than your body is still very much up for it! Xx

CatteStreet · 16/07/2020 20:35

I'm so sorry for your miscarriages. I would push, IIWY, for mc investigations (going private if necessary). Recurrent mc is generally not considered to begin until 3 in a row, but you don't have the dubious luxury of time to wait for that to happen. You should be having tests for clotting issues (Factor V Leiden, MTHFR), a karyotype done for you and your partner (to check for a translocation etc) and potentially NK cells. Perhaps consider requesting an ERPC for this baby, and testing for chromosome issues. It may well be that no unambiguous cause emerges, but I would be wanting this looked into.

I hope all this passes off with as little trauma as possible

MiloDND16 · 17/07/2020 23:19

Cattlestreet - thanks for the advice. You entirely right and I don't have that much left. I am seeing a consultant privately so I will start pushing to get more answers.

As it was my first scan with the EPU

MiloDND16 · 17/07/2020 23:22

Sorry posted too quick. The EPU will not do anything for another week but will be booking in for ERPC providing nothing happens between now and then.
Thanks for outlining the tests. It will be really helpful for my conversation with the consultant.

CatteStreet · 18/07/2020 10:32

I'm sorry to hear the EPU aren't being responsive. As the miscarriage sadly appears to have been confirmed, the further route should be your choice now, especially considering the number of missed mc that end up needing an ERPC anyway.

Try (I'm so sorry, I know how grim this is) to save the sac if you miscarry at home.

41FerrisWheels · 08/09/2022 16:14

Hi @milodnd16 I just came across your post as ttc my second at 43 unsuccessfully for the last 5 years and wondered how you were getting on? Xxx

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