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How do you know if want kids?

8 replies

WimbledonBex · 12/07/2020 13:56

I spent most of my 30's trying to find 'the one' with endless dates and on and off relationships. During that time I came to accept that I may never have kids and reconciled that I would find other hobbies instead to occupy my time. I'm now almost 39 and have been with my current boyfriend for just over a year and we're talking of moving in together. He already has a daughter from a previous marriage and when we spoke of kids at the beginning of the relationship he said he was open to having more. Now we're having the conversation again and he's changed his mind. He enjoys spending time with his daughter every other weekend and says that the void he previously felt has been filled by the fun times we share together and enjoys his free (and quiet) time. Kids have always been in my 'future plans' until i reconciled that i may not have any. Now i feel like i have to choose between a man who makes me happy and the chance to have kids which may completely turn my life upside down. But would i regret not having tried to follow this route even if it means leaving my boyfriend and maybe never finding anyone else?
I know no-one else can answer this question for me but would be interested hearing from anyone else who's been in a similar situation or has any great insights into the kids/no kids debate or any words of wisdom in general? This is all pretty raw so I'm just looking for any help...

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ALC1985 · 12/07/2020 16:53

From my experience having children is the single best thing I've ever done and brings me so much joy, its very hard work but worth it.

I think it's a bit unfair of your partner who 1 year ago said he wanted kids to now change his mind taking no cognisance of your feelings on the matter tho, can you discuss this with him? Is he adamant he wants no more children?

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cherrypiepie · 12/07/2020 17:00

Agree that it's very unfair to move the goal post. I met my partner at 35 and we decide about 15 month in to start ttc. We are still on our difficult journey and coming to terms with being childless but committed to each other. You have to consider would you have time to meet somwownwlse to have children

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cherrypiepie · 12/07/2020 17:01

...with. Sorry posted to soon.

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SqidgeBum · 12/07/2020 17:05

This is a tough situation. Does your DP know that you feel like this? As he has a kid he may not feel that desire to do it, but considering he was willing to consider it a year ago, does he know it's still important to you? Personally having kids is 100% the best thing I have ever done. I am knackered, my career is on indefinite hold, my tummy is flabby, and my clothes were covered in sick for way too long, but I LOVE how rewarding kids are. I say if you really want them, put it at the top of your priority list and make that clear to DP.

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LividLaughLovely · 12/07/2020 17:20

I’d be wary of having more kids with a man who was happy seeing his first child only eow anyway...

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WimbledonBex · 12/07/2020 18:56

Thanks for your comments. I can't begrudge him for having a change of heart, these things happen when you find yourself in different situations and at least he's being upfront about it.

I've so far said i'm uncertain and that there are pros and cons to both having and not having kids. But been doing some soul searching today and I think I'd regret it further down the line if at least i didn't 'try'. if i end up 5 years from now and am still childless then i'll accept my lot but know that at least i tried. I've done the many holidays, nights out drinking etc and am ready to go for the next adventure of kids and dedicate my time to them now.

I'll have to tell him and if he's still an adamant no then we may have to just go our separate ways which kills me inside as I've waited so long to find this but i don't want to resent him in 10 years for choosing for me whether or not i had kids...

@LividLaughLovely - he's happy seeing his daughter eow but says that he misses her in between too and when we were talking about houses before and where to live to stay within range of her, he says the 'ideal' situation would be for her to live with him which confuses me if he doesn't want more kids...

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cherrypiepie · 12/07/2020 20:29

I have thought about this a lot read quite a lot about it. and I think what I read that resonated with me the most is that the main reason is a primal biological urge that cannot be over ridden.And that logically having children doesn't always make sense and there is never I right time. I hope that comes across right. Good luck

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sel2223 · 12/07/2020 20:43

I was together with my previous partner for 15 years....married, settled, nice house, long haul holidays etc. He had 2 kids already and didn't want anymore and I was fine with that as never imagined myself having children in my 20's or early 30's.

We split up and I met someone else and fell pregnant very early on in the new relationship. I'm 37 and it was totally unplanned and I wasn't sure initially what to do but we decided to keep the baby.

I'm now over 35 weeks pregnant, the dad to be has been amazing and I can honestly say I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. I do think everything happens for a reason and I now feel that I would have ended up regretting it if I'd never had children of my own.

It's weird how life works out.