Feeling Terrible

[Avagrace03]

Hi,

This is my first threat and would ask people please not reply anything judgemental. I just need some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we are in a deeply committed relationship and I am happy with him. I love him so much and he does do a lot for me he is loyal solid and there when I need him.

I have 2 daughters from previous marriage and he has a son from a previous relationship. I am 30 he’s 32 nearly. We fell pregnant last year and this sadly ended with a late term miscarriage, the hospital provided me with no explanation as to why this happened. This was traumatic for me and our relationship did suffer afterwards as we both coped differently. He is not a talker where I feel better expressing my feelings.

After our loss I haven’t really felt the same as this only happened in February, with the lockdown I haven’t been able to speak to any mental health teams or counselling just a few phone calls which has been hard. I decided after the loss I felt it would be too hard to try for another baby, initially straight after my emotions were mixed but after abit I felt I couldn’t go through it again.

However after a pill failure I learnt I was pregnant again my bf was happy and begged me to keep the baby as felt this was a second chance for us after our loss. As I previously said my mental health has not been right since February I have antidepressants and was referred to the mental health team. I felt severe anxiety after I found out I was pregnant and decided to end the pregnancy as felt my mental health was not in the right place to continue. I had a medical abortion and regretted it instantaneously.

I feel so confused and depressed over it all and my partner is beyond disappointed. He has expressed how upset this has made him and I feel like I can’t live with it now. I just need to sort myself out which is hard at the moment as my mental health team and gp are both doing calls only and limited appointments.

I don’t know what to do he has said he really wants a baby with me but my head is such a mess. I’m worried this will end our relationship as he won’t be able to forgive me. I feel awful about it I feel like I made the wrong decision based on fear. I can’t stop feeling like this I can’t eat I can’t look at him. I don’t know what to do. I didn’t think I would regret it.

You need to get yourself healthy first. Being pregnant is already an emotional roller coaster anyway without having MH problems. You need to sit down with your partner and explain that you have to sort yourself out first before you think of bringing a baby into the situation. If he doesn't accept that and want to put you first then personally I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship with anyone like that.

Hi, thank you for replying. I have tried talking as I said he’s not a talker but has said he feels hurt that I chose to end the pregnancy. I feel like I made a decision quickly and to try and make myself feel better now I feel worse. I have contacted bpas for some support. I feel so much regret it hurts the pills were posted to me due to the Covid and I feel I rushed things as felt overwhelmed. I don’t know I feel like a horrible person.