TFMR tomorrow and I'm nervous

[Fia89]

Hi all, I'm 23 weeks today 07/07/2020 and yesterday we found out that our baby girl has a severe deletion of a major chromosome. I don't want to go into detail as I feel like we had no choice in this, but our beautiful baby looks like a baby but she's blank underneath.

We tried for so long to fall pregnant and just 12 days before seeing our IVF consultant we found out we were pregnant! It's our little miracle!

But just 16 weeks later at our 20 week scan our world was blown apart with abnormalities. For the last 3 weeks we have been on a rollercoaster of emotions with 8 different consultant reviews, which progressively got better and better to the point we were told 'be happy. You're having a baby!' last Wednesday. Sadly the geneticist called yesterday and said the deletion is very bad to the extent she doesn't have a comparable case! The outcome was pretty cut and shut.

After spending lockdown pregnant and working from home I can't imagine my life any other way. I wasn't even planning to go back to work until January 2022!

I'm curious, to all of those who have been here before, what practical steps did you put into place to help with the grieving process? I fear I may end up on the sofa with chocolate and my mental health will be harder to manage. What things did you not expect to happen in your grieving process? And who has felt that although this situation is absolutely gut wrenchingly sad, that it spurred them on to achieve and become stronger in the process?

As much as I haven't been through the process yet, I'm being induced on Friday (10/07/2020), I just can't be sad forever. I spent 7 years grieving the breakdown of my relationship with my own mother and those years were lost, I don't want to go back there again, I want to be strong for my angel baby and my husband plus our furbabies.

Thank you for reading xx

I am so sorry you're going through this. It sounds absolutely devastating. I haven't been in your situation but I did lose a baby at 17 weeks that I had to be induced with so I can empathise a little. If the hospital has access to counsellors perhaps they would be really helpful. Again so sorry for your situation. 💐

The one thing I struggled with after my TFMR was the lack of physical evidence that my little boy existed. I hadn’t bought anything yet so had nothing that was “his”. I’d recommend buying something for the baby to keep with them and buy one for yourself for afterwards.

The hospital had a bereavement midwife and I had a few sessions with her, which helped a lot. I’m sure your hospital will have something similar.

I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry to hear this you are strong enough to do this and you have already identified your concerns. Share these with people close to you who can be your support network and please feel free to message if you just need a stranger to rant to!

I'm so very sorry. I had a TFMR at 22 weeks in 2018 with our little boy. He also had deletions of a major chromosome.

I'm doing okay, i agree with having as much "proof" of your baby as you can. I lean on those things as a crutch sometimes when it feels like he was erased from our lives.

I hope things go as smoothly as possible, please feel free to message me x

Sending thoughts and love. I had a TMFR at 17 weeks a month ago, also for chromosome deletions. The only option given to me was a surgical abortion due to covid restrictions. It wasn't in the hospital but at BPAS because the hospital isn't doing any at all. This meant there were no pathways in place for funerals etc so if we'd wanted one we'd have had to ring round for quotes and arrange everything ourselves. I opted not to, since we were already exhausted from months of phone calls and anomaly admin and thought not doing it would make things easier for us. But I instantly regretted it after the termination and wish so deeply that we'd asked the clinic to keep her safe so we could arrange a funeral later. I was deeply shocked by how profound my grief was. Think I'd repressed all my maternal instincts just to get through it. So a funeral and footprints are something that would have helped me, I think. A month on though and the rawness of it all has faded and I'm feeling much better. I think the hormones calming down have helped. It's tough but you can get through it. Everything you feel is normal and just let yourself cry when you need to cry and be patient with yourself. I've found the grief comes in little storms and then they pass and i feel pretty normal most of the time. Just don't resist them when they come. Much love xxx

I am so so sorry and I am thinking of you today.
I know exactly what your going through and even though it's an horrendous time you are in the best care to get you through this.
I had a TFMR in October and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. At the time I was pregnant, two other ladies from work were and we were all the same weeks as eachother. Then as soon as your pregnant you start noticing everyone else announcing their pregnancy's and all of a sudden I felt in this competition to make sure I had a healthy baby. I was praying that nothing bad was going to happen, I had a gender reveal and announced the news to everyone.
I found out my baby had a severe heart defect not compatible with life at 21 weeks.
If I had looked into my future and knew this was going to happen I would have told myself there is noway I'll be able to handle that' ... but I did, and in all honesty it was the most heartbreaking thing to ever happen to me and it took me weeks after to properly grieve. As soon as I held him in my arms I couldn't cry I just looked at him and couldn't believe he was mine and couldn't believe something so perfect had a critical problem I handled each day as they came and gave myself the time I needed. I had days in front of the tv eating chocolate (don't be hard on yourself) and I had days I would just sleep. Eventually we felt strong enough to go the the shops but it's like your in your own little lost bubble, no one knows your grieving and you kind of get mad that everyone is living their life's and your the one suffering. The first two weeks are the hardest, your figuring how to cope and your also grieving for the life you had planned for this baby the future... the hopes , dreams & plans you were planning for this little miracle - this is what will hit you hard, especially with you being in lockdown having more time to think and prep. After those two weeks we started to set mini goals for ourselves and we achieved them week by week, whether that was going for a walk with a hot chocolate every evening, or cooking together or having our first date night again, we pushed ourselves and we made sure we wouldn't fall into a downward spiral. Another thing I urge you to do is seek help, I didn't and i didn't think I needed it as I was coping myself and I was slowly having better days than bad days, but now I'm pregnant again I cannot cope. I have just started getting help and I wish I started sooner.
Your consultant will follow up with you, we got genetic testing done before we tried again.
This is a hard time but you will get through it and it will make you an even stronger woman. I am sure you have great support around you but please take the help you can get when you need it. Please take time for yourself and don't feel bad if you need a day in bed or if you need a day doing nothing etc. Everyone around you will understand.
I am sending you so much strength and sending you so much positivity to get you through this dark time. Like people said to me after my two losses 'it will happen for you' ofcourse i didn't believe them... but it will happen xxxxxx

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a TFMR in October. I found it helpful to bring a little muslin with us that they wrapped her in before we got to hold her. I also wrote a letter to her which the midwives tucked in with her before she was cremated.

Try not to worry about ending up on the sofa with chocolates. If that's what you need to do, you do it. I didn't anticipate how completely hollow I would feel afterwards. A few sessions with a counsellor helped. You need to let yourself be sad but know that the pain does get better with time.