Advice for dealing with long term friend- Trigger warning

[EllieJai44]

So I feel like i need some outside advice here.

I have this friend I've known for nearly 14 years, used to be close when younger and then lost touch, but have been close again for about 2 years. I have one daughter and have had 3 miscarriages after having her and now pregnant again (12 weeks). She started trying last June and is now 8 weeks pregnant.

After my second miscarriage, she clearly hit a low point that it wasn't happening for her and we had a bit of a falling out when she told me I should be grateful that I can fall pregnant so easily. We made up and everything had been good, she was there through my 3rd miscarriage (a MMC at 10 weeks, found at 12 week scan) and I was there when her boyfriend was being difficult and verbally abusive.

Fast forward to me finding out I was pregnant again in May and she full on told me that she couldn't be happy for me because it wasn't happening for her and she needs a break from her friends that are pregnant or have a baby, i was quite upset by this but let her have whatever time she needed- she next messaged me again to tell me she was pregnant and wanted to talk again etc, I was cautious to start but soon it fell back into daily messaging, my scans came up I worried about them due to my history, she was on the positive side of things and telling me not to stress and worry.

Then we come to today, she has a private scan tomorrow, shes stressing out which I understand, I've been there, so I thought I was being supportive by saying things will be fine and that she has no reason to think otherwise. To which she replied with that her heart rate had dropped and she didn't have many symptoms, which I told her was normal and maybe she should take her fitbit off if its stressing her, that resulted in her getting annoyed and told me if I cant be supportive then she won't talk about it.

After asking her further what she was expecting me to say, she told me I didn't understand what she was feeling and that upset her further.

I just dont know what to do, I dont want to throufh away years of friendship but this is draining! Its so much hard work and none of my other friendships are like this, christ my relationship with my husband is no where near this hard! I dunno maybe its the pregnancy hormones and I'm being over sensitive 🤷‍♀️

I'm pregnant at the moment after a struggle conceiving, so I really appreciate it can be difficult to say the 'right' thing to women TTC or pregnant because every woman reacts so completely differently to her journey. Despite millions of women being pregnant and giving birth, everybody's story is unique.

That being said, I agree friendship shouldn't be this hard. She's saying you don't understand what she's going through but doesn't seem to be trying to get you to understand either. If you were a mind reader you'd probably be fine 😅

I'd personally keep a cautious distance between the both of you, not NC but at least arms length, until she gets a little further along in her pregnancy when hopefully she'll start being excited rather than anxious. Still be available to her if you can, as early pregnancy is tough for everyone and she might need you. But at the same time you need to focus on your physical and mental health and put yourself and your family first - you're pregnant as well! Try to find a balance if you can.

Good luck 💙💖

Thanks, I know what it is like to take time to concieve too and it isnt easy, each month doubting yourself but throughout the whole time she doesnt think I understand and then even now she thinks I dont understand with the anxiety of a scan, its a terrifying time whether its your first scan or third/ forth scan

Unfortunately sometimes the advice someone gives is not the same advice that they want to hear. Maybe try to stick to light topics for a while and go from there. She sounds a bit like she doesn't know what she needs from those around her right now and almost anything you said would have gone down wrong. Try not to take it to heart and look after yourself.