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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Overbearing family

17 replies

Birdy1991 · 03/07/2020 19:29

I’m due to give birth on the 30th July (first baby). I live in Brighton away from family, my auntie mentioned the other day that the family would like to stay nearby on a camping trip around the time the baby was born. I wasn’t sure about the idea as I don’t know how I’m going to be or if she will come on time.
Now I find out they’ve gone and booked a campsite for the 11-14th August without really asking me or considering if I would be ready. The dates had been mentioned and I suggested later in the month, which was ignored. I’m quite a private person and would like the first few days with just my fiance, and besides I may still be pregnant into August as first babies can be late.

I’ve told them not to complain if the baby hasn’t come by then, but don’t want to appear rude. However I am a bit annoyed no one thought to check with me whether I was happy about this. I don’t know what state I’ll be in or if I’ll be up to seeing people or if she will even be here, plus there’s loads of other family to consider. Am I being unreasonable to be a bit upset and think they could have done this later in the month?

OP posts:

Mc3209 · 03/07/2020 19:48

I completely understand. My mother (who I am not particularly close to) and few other relatives booked the flights already to come visit specifically around my due date in late October to see the baby.
I find having my mother around stressful and would rather prefer 2 weeks of husband, baby, and me to bond and settle into a routine. Plus I could very well still be pregnant for their visit... My only win in this situation is that convinced them to stay in a hotel and not with us, which what they initially wanted to do. I can't think of anything worse than guests in the house around just after the baby is born.
So I completely sympathise and empathise.

CoolNoMore · 03/07/2020 19:51

It depends what their assumptions are. Do they expect to be able to pop in whenever they feel like it, given that they've made such an effort to be nearby? Or are they just making sure that they're available at the drop of a hat in case you'd like some assistance? It is definitely odd (possible massive understatement) that they ignored your suggestion of dates.

I suspect that now is the time to start being very clear about what you want. It's not rude at all to say 'I'd like the first two weeks to myself, but thank you for your kind offers of support', but you definitely need to say it. Do not rely on anyone getting the hint - people get very excited about new babies and don't always think outside their own heads!

To answer your question, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Original poster

Birdy1991 · 03/07/2020 20:05

@Mc3209 that sounds pretty awful - and they wanted to stay with you? How close to the due date are they arriving?

@CoolNoMore thanks for the words of support. I've said now not to complain if she's two weeks late, no one has replied to the message (yet). Somehow I think it'll be twisted into me being ungrateful but we will see. It's not really fair on my poor fiance as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

Birdy1991 · 03/07/2020 20:11

And @CoolNoMore I’m not really sure but don’t think it would be to offer help as such. Just to meet the baby. It’s the whole extended family as well, about 20 people 🙈

OP posts:

Mc3209 · 03/07/2020 20:22

@Birdy1991 they are arriving day before the due date and staying for 5 days. So definitely a good chance of missing the baby if I go overdue by even a week.
And same, it's not really come-to-help-out kind of visit, it's pretty much just to see the baby. My plan is to keep trying to persuade them to arrive a month after due date. Don't know how successful that would be, given they already have flights..

It's reassuring to know I am not the only one with this problem!

Original poster

Birdy1991 · 03/07/2020 20:24

@Mc3209 my god I’m so sorry to hear that. It’s totally unreasonable and it makes my problem seem silly as it’s a week or so after my due date. Did they just tell you once they’d book the flights with absolutely no discussion with you beforehand?

OP posts:

vincettenoir · 03/07/2020 20:26

YNBU. I think they have some nerve. But as they are obviously excited about the baby I would let them visit on your own terms.

maria2bela · 03/07/2020 20:48

Speaking from experience, I both enjoyed time alone and time with relatives after I gave birth. When people came to visit I felt loved and felt happy my son had people who really were excited at his arrival, looking back at pictures now it's so nice to have pics of him as a small newborn with his family. It's also great to have people around to clean up for you and sort the odd dinner for you etc, it really does help in a lot of ways when you're so sleep deprived and feel like a bus has hit you. Try to be balanced x

Original poster

Birdy1991 · 03/07/2020 20:54

@maria2bela I don’t know if they are even expecting to come over. I have a tiny one bedroom flat that barely anyone can fit into so doubt they are going to be offering to make me dinner! X

OP posts:

Mc3209 · 03/07/2020 21:00

@Birdy1991 it was more like 'We are coming to see you! We got the flights, will be arriving on 30th of October' (my due date is 31st of Oct which they knew).

Plus I am not sure how to be with breastfeeding etc as I've heard it might take a while to establish (I am FTM, so have no clue about anything), and I don't particularly fancy sitting with my boobs out when there are guests in the house, even if it's my own mother.
I am hoping I am being overly dramatic and it will all be fine and lovely... What are the chances of that happening?

What are you going to do about your bunch?

BabyG123 · 03/07/2020 21:08

You need to be firm on 'visiting times' like you can come 12-3 but I nap in the afternoon with baby. Or you go to them if you're all ok so you can leave whenever you want!

BabyDancer · 03/07/2020 23:13

20 people coming to visit around your due date? That's insane! Fingers crossed your LO hangs tight OP so that you don't have to put up with that nonsense. If your baby does arrive on time, I would explain at the last minute that you aren't feeling up to having visitors. Don't cause yourself any unnecessary stress now by having drawn out conversations about your concerns. They've already ignored your requests after all.

Weenurse · 03/07/2020 23:21

Word up fiancé to say ‘we had a bad night, so need to catch up on sleep’.
When you feel up to it, visit them for an hour or so.
I had stitches, so was very uncomfortable for the first little while, plus leaking boobs and explosive nappies meant I wanted to stay close to home.
Good luck 💐

Weenurse · 03/07/2020 23:22

Plus, ask if everyone is up to date with vaccinations and make sure they wash hands before holding baby and no kisses.

CoolNoMore · 03/07/2020 23:40

Oooh, @BabyG123 is bang on the money! Go to them. Definitely. Also 'break' your doorbell. Ours genuinely did break before DS1 was born and it was a total blessing!

@Mc3209 you can ask people to bugger off when you feed, I hated feeding in front of people I knew. Strangers was fine for some reason. Don't leave hospital before you're happy with feeding is my advice! Keep asking for help until you're happy.

Mc3209 · 04/07/2020 04:07

Amazing tips, everyone! Thank you! 🥰

Original poster

Birdy1991 · 04/07/2020 13:15

Thanks everyone. Glad I’m not going mad/being ungrateful.
As they have booked the campsite I can’t do much I think I just need to set the boundaries to what I’m happy with 🤔

OP posts:

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