What do I do about my mother!

[Tilpop]

Please can anyone help me.

My mother is going to ruin my family life. I'm 38 weeks pregnant with my first baby.
Due to lock down etc I haven't had a family gathering / baby shower etc.
Not that I wanted one as I'm not into all that fuss..... anyway. Last night my DH was on his phone a lot and eventually while we were in bed told me that my mum was being awful to his mum via WhatsApp.

So I've since found out......

MIL started a group including my mum my SIL, MIL sister and MIL mum asking if we would like to go for a BBQ on Sunday as it would be the last time for us to get together before the baby is born. They have a massive garden And room for a few of us.

Anyway my mum has apparently kicked right off at MIL and said that she doesn't agree that it's just her side of the family to be invited as I have a sister and grandad etc too. My sister and I don't get on because she is an alcoholic who drives around with her kids in the car pissed. Gets her tee total husband arrested when she's drunk and attacks him, and we just don't get along because I don't agree with her lifestyle or morals.

MIL explained that it wasn't set in stone and was just putting the feelers out to see if people were around to go (turns out most aren't anyway).

I watched last night their on line activity and it went on well into midnight. DH has called me today and said that my mum has said some horrendous things on the WhatsApp group in front of all his family and really embarrassed herself.

MIL has called my mum to sort it out this morning as she doesn't want conflict or arguments and my mum will not apologise or accept any responsibility for being mean to her for trying to organise a gathering.

My mum is very draining and will not think before she speaks. She is nasty and mean and never apologises for her actions. We have no other family as we "don't talk to them" havent for years and I often wondered why. I think I know now.

My mum is possessive of me she calls me "my daughter" and is also controlling of me and the things I do. I have so much anxiety when it comes to her that it makes me physically sick when things like this happen.

I now know there is a divide in the family because of my mum and I'm
Embarrassed that she has created this mess all over a BBQ.

I want to say something but she has told MIL that she will not tell me about this conversation and thinks I don't know what's gone on.

Sorry for the rant. I'm now on edge because all my DH family now know what she's like and I'm gutted.

My LB is due soon and I wanted it to be a happy occasion not a family split because my mum can't hold her tongue or be nice.

What do I do? I never wanted a divide I wanted us all to get on.
My mum is very jealous of my MIL and she shows it too. She writes some shit things on Facebook for everyone to see and I can't handle the stress anymore. I want my boy to grow up in a nice family unit. No continuous arguments and nastiness that is my family.

With my mum there is always something to moan at or she is always slagging someone off. I'm totally lost

Well the best course of action is to tackle it with your mum, if you are feeling strong enough and think it would achieve the right things. If not or afterwards you need a conversation with your MIL. I think the calmest course of action would be to keep the sides of the family separate. Your MIL’s plan are lovely, maybe suggest that her plans could go ahead for DH’s side of the family, perhaps telling your side that it’s been cancelled (if you can’t have the blunt convo with DM that’s needed).

Good luck.

If you can't talk to your MIL I'd at least send her a message to say how upset you are. It's very important she knows how you feel about it.

I’m so sorry you’re being put through this by your mum.

As others have said, you shouldn’t be ashamed. You and your mum are completely separate people, and you have achieved so much in carving out a lovely family life with your supportive and kind DH.

It might be worth considering a complete estrangement from your mum for a while. She has conducted so many cruel and damaging behaviours, and it is having a negative impact on your health.

It might help to read about other people who have had to estranged themselves from their mothers in adulthood. Sadly it is surprisingly common.

I found this lovely article as a start y motherofalllists.com/2019/07/08/estranged-from-my-mum/

But if you google, there are others.

It might also be worth looking into getting some talking therapy, even if it’s just ok the phone, to talk to a neutral person about this.

I wish you all the best, you sound like an amazing person and you deserve better xx

I would also be considering your mother's impact on your child, it is not unheard of for her to transfer to golden grandchild, her grandchlld.

I am afraid you are really going to have to deal with this once and for all. I suspect you have avoided challenging her to date about her behaviour, and perhaps everyone does. Consider either distancing quietly and drawing up boundaries or calling her out and telling her this is no longer acceptable to you. Learning to protect yourself and your family is going to be essential in the coming years, or she will ruin your marriage and your new family and render you reliant on her for help and support.

My mum is messaging me today thinking I don't know about what's happened. She told MIL that she was working all weekend etc (in and amongst the nasty messages) but has just offered to take me shopping. I asked her if she was working today and she said no.

I'm fuming!!!!!!!!!! I don't even want to talk to her.

In response to your last post OP, thats probably a ploy to keep you busy all day with her so mil cant do the bbq anyway. I would call and speak to mil, she wont be mad at you for it. Dm needs to be confronted and contact cut down and her made aware it was because of her actions.

I cut my mum out for the second time about 5yrs ago, best thing I ever did for me, my mental health etc.

Maybe it's time to limit contact or cut her out.

@Newwayofthinking

I cut my mum out for the second time about 5yrs ago, best thing I ever did for me, my mental health etc.

Maybe it's time to limit contact or cut her out.

Yep, further to my post above I think @newwayofthinking is right.

You can’t change people unless they want to change, and she’s relentlessly damaging your health

Look after yourself xx

Nothing will change unless you confront your mum and limit contact OP. You need to put yourself and your family first. As PPs have said, it's also definitely worth touching base with your MIL to say that you don't agree with her behaviour and that you're sorry she is behaving this way. I have a difficult/embarrassing DM, and I understand your struggles. You know what though, I'm so much happier now that I only see her once a month at most. She makes me into a more anxious and unhappy person - and life is too short for that.

You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You are not your mum.

Personally I would probably either speak to my mum and call her out on why she was so rude....I mean surely she expects you’d find out through your husband. Or I’d go to the BBQ have a great time and ignore her completely. Easier said than done though!

I’m not sure why you don’t tell you mum you know? Is it because you want to avoid conflict with her?

If she’s like this a lot I would start reducing contact with her as the last thing you’ll need with a new baby is an atmosphere like the one from your mum. I’d also be worried that she’s try to controlling over the baby as she seems to be about you.