I feel like I don’t want to be with my baby’s dad

[Wotsits4357542]

I’m 23 weeks pregnant and I feel so awful for even writing this out. Bit of background I’ve been with my other half for 8 years and tried for a baby for 6 with no luck, we had ivf in January due to male factor infertility and I’m now 23 weeks pregnant. We are both over the moon as this is such a longed for baby and I can’t wait to be a mom.
Their was issues with my other half’s drinking before the pregnancy and was always put down to the stress of the infertility ( along with depression) since being on furlough he drinks ( not as much as he did) but I’m finding myself nagging and worrying he’ll carry on when the baby is here, he drinks a few cans most nights and sits smoking his vape on his game and it really annoys me. He’s a hard worker and I think he finds it hard not being at work so I’m hoping it will nip it in the bud once he’s back at work.
Theirs another issue about his job as his boss has said he may have to make him redundant but has left him in the lurch with it and my oh is really stressed out and told me he is depressed because he wants to not struggle money wise, he got really upset and I comforted him and told him not to worry everything will sort itself out and I can cover rent and bills anyway so we are fortunate.
We’ve already got everything for the baby too. My heart literally broke seeing him so upset and stressed.
Fast forward to yesterday and we had a bit of a disagreement about an issue with a family member and he lost his temper with me and told me I worry too much and that it’s “one thing after the fucking other with you” ( because I have stressed through the whole pregnancy that something was going to go wrong) I burst out crying but he huffed and puffed and we haven’t spoke since.
I walked out after that and was gone for 3 hours and he didn’t phone to see if I was ok or anything.
It really made me wonder if he really cares about me at all.
The same thing happened a few weeks ago when I was tired from doing the housework and I wanted him to move up on the sofa he went off in a mood because he had to move up for me to sit down. Again I got really upset and had these thought again that he doesn’t care about me.
I know it’s probably the stress of his job, but I’ve exused little incidents like this in the past and put it down to the depression and infertility.
I can’t keep putting it down to these things especially now I’m carrying his child. I’m stressed and I’ve had anxiety and depression and yet it still tore me apart when he was upset and I made sure he knew I love him and was here for him so why doesn’t he do the same?. I feel like telling him to fuckoff right now but don’t know if I’ll regret it because it’s due to pregnancy hormones. My eyes are still red from crying so much and he still hasn’t said anything.

Pregnancy is so overwhelming I've had similar fallouts and disagreements with my partner because I've felt insecure but I think it's really common in pregnancy to feel that way. There's a lot of women who try to make out that pregnancy is all roses and peaches when it really isn't and truth be told there's so many people probably feeling how you feel. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all but you perhaps also need to consider your partner has his own struggles he's going through right now. The drinking thing would really annoy me though!

What a mess OP, have you tired to sit him down and have a frank talk with him about how you're feeling? On one hand of course he is stressed as a man they often feel their responsibility is to provide during this time while you're responsibility is growing the baby. His behaviour in inexcusable in terms of mood swings because you want to sit on your own sofa etc but before throwing it away after such a long battle to get to this point you definitely need to sit down and air things out. If he doesn't change after that and step up then it's decision time. Good luck x

Thankyou both
I don’t want to sit down and talk to him about how I’m feeling I’m sick of doing that, for years whenever I was upset or down About something I’ve always been the bigger person and sat and wanted to talk it out instead of acting like children and ignoring each other. He’d rather not talk at all as he’s a quiet man anyway.
I don’t want to ask him to show care towards me when he should just naturally want to support me and be here for me anyway knowing I’m upset and stressed too.
I feel so selfish for being this way right now with all the shit he’s got going on.
Thst really is true it’s not all peaches and roses, I’m so incredibly grateful to be pregnant at last but the hormones are something else 😓 I just feel angry and don’t even want to look at him. I already know he’ll come to bed later after he’s finished playing his game, probably wake me up and then want to be nice and ask if I’m ok and I’m sick of feeling like I’m waiting for him to care

Tell him you’re done! Baby can still have both loving parents in their life (providing he stops the drinking) but why should you go to bed feeling like you aren’t getting the love you deserve? If you’ve tried to talk it out numerous time’s and nothing changes then sometimes you have to put your own happiness first, it won’t be any good for baby to see you upset and stressed if he doesn’t step up. It also may be the wake up call he needs!

When people are suffering from depression its often hard for them to care about others. They get trapped in their own head and misery. I think lockdown and mass redundancies have left a lot of people in challenging situations, its a difficult time to be pregnant. I wouldnt be surprised if he wasnt having some major insecurities. First his fertility and now hes not sure if he can provide financially. I know you mentioned that you can cover costs, but thats not going to help his self esteem.

Personally, I would consider my relationship with my other half very solid. Of course we have many issues and bicker constantly but never seriously. However we had a huge blow up the other day, the biggest ever in our 4.5 year relationship. I think the realisation that life is going to change soon is a lot to deal with. I think women are generally more resilient and probably its easier for us to distract ourselves when we have a plethora of pregnancy symptoms to deal with. Men dont have the hormones changing, so reality can just strike them out the blue.