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Sister has started to be vile now I'm pregnant

23 replies

Lucky08 · 26/06/2020 21:59

So my sister is 5 years older then me and married with four children. She usee to work in retail until she got pregnant aged 20, and has been a stay at home mum since. She is my only sibling and my father is an only child, so we are my grandparents only grandchildren.
Where as my sister has always been family orientated, I've always been single, independent and career driven. However in my late 20s I met a man, fell in love and now expecting a baby.
To start with my sister was really excited and it bought us closer together, she would ask me how I got on at scans and appointments an so forth. However, as time as gone on she has started to change. It started by asking me why I'm bothering having a child if I'm going to go back to work after a year. Then she told me it was pointless having a wellbeing scan at 30 weeks (previous MC and anxious throughout this pregnancy), then went on to tell me the 3d image was ugly. She is criticising everything I have bought telling me it's pointless, or she never used that and is just being overall vial. This has really started to upset me and get me down now. My mum passed away 3 years ago, so thought it would be nice to have my sisters support. I really dont know what has got into her and I dont know what to do to make her stop.

OP posts:
ekidmxcl · 26/06/2020 22:03

Since she is being a nasty cow, you could ask her straight out:

Why have you started being so nasty to me? Saying a baby scan is ugly is just pointless and vindictive. Cite that example.

RandomMess · 26/06/2020 22:03

She is probably jealous, she had the DC you had the career, now you will have both...

Lucky08 · 26/06/2020 22:14

I'm really not one for confrontation and it just upsets me. My partner has gone mad bit I just shake it off to him even though its getting me down. The latest one is when I had to go back to hospital for hyperemesis, I'm a stone lighter now in my last trimester of pregnancy then when I started, yet she laughed at me going to hospital saying she was sick with hers but just felt with it. I really didn't think she was like this.

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CoolNoMore · 26/06/2020 22:20

Oh dear, this does sound like jealousy a bit. There are so many different ways to parent and people can be really sensitive about others doing things differently. Why wouldn't you do it my way? What's wrong with what I did?! STOP JUDGING ME! Etc...

I don't have any advice really, not knowing her personality, but it might make you feel better to have a positive response that can be rolled out in any situation, eg 'Oh, yes? Well, I love it, it makes me very happy. Isn't it funny how everyone's so different?' A bit cheesy, but it could do the job.

Remember that everyone's an expert on their own kids, but that does not mean that they're an expert on any other kid.

AppleKatie · 26/06/2020 22:24

I agree she’s jealous. You are doing it the ‘traditionally MC successful’way. Whereas she got pregnant very young and then had lots more children which limited her life chances/career. You doing things differently and potentially having both has upset her. Also the reality of you being able to afford things like 4D scans that maybe she would have liked but couldn’t afford.

It’s shit though and I agree with the advice of being upfront with her and asking her to knock it off. It might wake her up and cause her to get over herself if you’re lucky.

MinesALatte · 26/06/2020 22:29

I agree with previous posters, although you say you don’t like confrontation, this cant go on so you need to just ask her why she’s being like this with you. It’s (potentially) going to make you anxious to speak to her because you might be scared of what she’ll say next, and that’s just going to cause you undue stress at a time when you need to be relaxed.
Either that or could your partner have a word with hers? Or her even?

Lucky08 · 26/06/2020 22:31

Shes pretty well off, her husband owns a business. I think I do need to stop being so sensitive and just tell her. I already feel nervous about having my first child and would of liked to have gone to her for advice since she has the 4 children, however she just makes me feel so stupid. Probably just been a bit hormonal too.

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wildone84 · 26/06/2020 23:00

It sounds really horrid of her. I agree she is probably jealous and feels insecure because you're doing things differently from how she did. I would tell her how her comments make you feel and ask her to please stop with the negativity.

BeMorePacific · 26/06/2020 23:04

That is so horrible, I’m so sorry she’s being like that.
I’d personally stop sharing details with her. Because she is definitely feeling a little jealous, and is taking it out on you.
Once the baby is here I really hope she steps up and supports you.
Sending you lots of love xx

indemMUND · 26/06/2020 23:18

Nip it in the bud now, I know you say you don't like confrontation but she may well escalate when you have the baby. You don't need that when you're dealing with a newborn and getting to grips with being a new mum. This is your pregnancy, your baby and your experience. Don't let her sour it for you. She had her time, don't let her shit all over yours.

wibdib · 27/06/2020 00:06

I think that as well as being jealous of your pregnancy and the fact that you will soon have a lovely cuddly baby of your own (would she like more dc? Or just be harking back to loving having a baby - or even specifically a first baby - and missing that?), she is suddenly aware that for a long time she has been the only one that has had dc so has been special in your family ( in her head!) for that reason - your dad and gp have only ever needed to consider her and her dc - from babysitting to who spends Christmas where to who will be left which treasured keepsake...

Suddenly you are coming along and there is going to be a new gc that your dad and gp are going to want to get involved with. Sometimes you might want their involvement at the same time she does so they will have to choose and they might choose you. Her youngest dc will no longer be the baby of the family. All gc are great but there’s something very exciting and lovely about new babies to welcome into the family that your sis might be scared about the new family dynamic that wouldn’t be happening if you were soon to have your third child for example or if your dc would be closer in age.

Still doesn’t excuse it though!

Hopefully she will pull herself together and be a great sister I teased of one that is spiteful, mean and jealous!

viccytwiffy · 27/06/2020 00:10

shes devastated that you are going back to work, she wanted the sister mum thing... and you have ruined it for her... be sympathetic... tell her you are hurt but thatyou understand... that part of you wants to do the mummy thing together... she went from being ecstatic to devastated... so take it as a compliment that she misses you - not necessarily jelous... that is unfair to imagine that.... you should show her this thread... tell her first what you have written about her, and stress that it is anonymous, and that it might be fun and bonding to look at all the judgemental comments!!! she is your ride or die... dont lose her... get to the bottom of it and stop judging her... ask her wtf is going on...

crazychemist · 27/06/2020 10:50

Back off from her a bit, but be honest with her about why - you are disappointed that she seems very negative about your pregnancy. If you feel up to it (but only if you do) you could ask her if something is upsetting her at the moment (I’m assuming this is uncharacteristic behaviour so there might be something behind it e.g. if she’s having a bad patch with her DH)

viccytwiffy · 27/06/2020 11:30

count yourself lucky... my sister sided with my abusive ex - she had never even met him... she did it for the sheer enjoyment of it.. for the drama and excitement...

Cam2020 · 27/06/2020 11:31

I think she feels threatened by you having a baby. Perhaps she liked the differences between you as it avoids comparison (i.e her being the mum, you being career focused and single/independent)? She might feel that you're encroaching on her territory and will make her look inferior by being both a mum and still have a career and a degree of independence. Or perhaps she thought you both being SAH mums would make you equal? Whichever way, I think this stems from a feeling of inadequacy on her part.

I don't really know what to advise. Let her get over it, I supposeand keep your distance a little until she can be nice.

CluelessBaker · 27/06/2020 11:32

and you have ruined it for her

Er, no. OP hasn’t ruined anything for her sister by making decisions that work for her and her family. The only person ruining anything is OP’s sister by being so incredibly rude and judgmental.

And FGS don’t suggest OP shows her this thread, it’s a guaranteed way to ensure they never speak again.

Lucky08 · 27/06/2020 11:33

Shes always been a little judgemental and opinionated, but that's her. But this seems to be excessive. It was so nice at the start and I feel like we really bonded more then we ever have, that's why I find it so upsetting now she is being like this. I do think it could be down to some jealousy as of course my dad and DGP are really excited for me as they never thought I would be the one to start a family and her children have always been everyone's priority including mine. It's sad because I've always been really close to my nieces and nephews, and thought my sister would want that with my child.

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Lucky08 · 27/06/2020 11:34

Shes also not really one that you can talk to about feelings, she would just get defensive and tell me I'm being dramatic (I've always been the more sensitive one)

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Lucky08 · 27/06/2020 11:37

I feel like we are children again and I'm the little sister fighting to get her big sisters approval

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LadyFlumpalot · 27/06/2020 11:51

If she has always been quite down on you and your life then this is probably just the way she is and not much will change, in which case you need to just carry on doing your thing and not ask her advice or opinion.

If, however, this is out of character for her, then it may be that something is going on with her that you don't know about. Is it possible she might be trying for another baby unsuccessfully, or is she quite happy in her marriage? Also, she may be feeling the loss of your mum in relation to your first child (not saying you aren't, obvs you are).

Unfortunately, whilst MN can give you advice, you alone know your sister and you alone will be able to judge what is best to do. If you think she has suddenly changed personality it may be worth gently asking her if she is ok, and when she inevitably bites your head off just remind her you love her and will be there for her.

CoalCraft · 27/06/2020 11:52

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your sister OP, I feel really sad for you and can totally understand why you're upset. I also know how hard it is to follow the advice to confront her about it; it's easy advice to give but the reality is that so many people will blow off such confrontations, get defensive, or play the victim.

If she isn't the talk about feelings type, then I'd be tempted to be forthright. Next time she says something nasty, just respond "why're you being such a cow recently DSis, something wron?" You can say it in a sort of jokey voice to your her on the spot a bit and hopefully make her back off. If that doesn't seem possible, then, sad though it is, you may have to think about withdrawing a bit. Stop sharing pregnancy details with her and only see her around other family.

Speaking of which, is there someone you could talk to in the family about how you feel? Your dad or GPs? Might be nice just to talk things over, though it will depend on your relationship.

EL8888 · 27/06/2020 12:02

She’s jealous l think, hence the nastiness and judgements. A lot of families like to attribute labels to people so maybe you’re the “career” one for her and she is the “mum” one. We Suddenly you have changed that. Tough. That’s life, things frequently change. It doesn’t sound that weird and wonderful for you to have a baby. I would keep her at a distance and minimise contact if she can’t be nice

@viccytwiffy l think her sister is judging her, not the other way around Hmm

viccytwiffy · 27/06/2020 12:12

what is underneath this unpleasantness of her sister is something really sad, and it is difficult to look past the unpleasantness... but try... beneath, there is the pure molten love of a sister... my sister is a doctor and a pillar of the community... and she treats me so horrifically, she likes to control me, she has never every said anything nice to me for many many years... the kind of thing i mean is something like, i love you, or you are an amazing person... i smoked weed in my teens and she considers me absolute trash because of it... she invited my abusive ex to her house to talk about my 'behaviour' (i had never introduced them) after i had sent him a strong email asking him to leave me alone - both my parents and my twin brother were also at this meeting (none of them had met him)... they wanted the excitement and the drama... it was unbeleivable. 3 years on i am still in shock... and they defended their actions saying they were looking out for my interests... and he continued afterwards to harrass me.. this family is a christian middle class family, with excellent education and live wealthy lifestyles... it was a jaw dropping betrayal... would your sister betray you?

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