Guilt over pregnancy loss & pregnant quickly after

[Avidwatcher]

Background: at the end of March we suffered a Pregnancy loss just before 12 weeks & where/are devastated. We quickly began TTC as it felt like the right thing to do because we had wanted now to have 2 babies close together (son is8months). We have been successful & I now find myself just over 7 weeks preg.

My question is, did any other mums do this? Aside from the crippling anxiety that I am going to also lose this baby I have a sense of guilt that I never grieved ‘baby B’ & am now replacing that baby without any second thought. 😭
As much as I am dying to have another baby & so hopeful for a healthy pregnancy my mind is working overtime. Before I fell pregnant I have a reoccurring dream of having my son in the bed along with ‘baby B’ and killing them both by rolling on them etc even though I know the miscarriage was not my fault I am now having the same dream with 3 & can’t help think I am not ready for a new pregnancy 😭 is this normal????

Poor you! I do wonder if this is mainly why the advice is to wait 3 months before ttc again after a MC. I think, more than anything else, our minds and our hearts need to come to terms with the loss of a hope that has vanished.
I am well past having babies, but I have a history of MCs and a 'late in pregnancy loss' as it was referred to (at 26 weeks), so I understand very well that bumpy road to coming to terms with loss. If I were in your shoes, I'd really talk to the midwife about some therapy, OP. I think, because of what you've been through- and 12 weeks is quite a late MC- and because of all of the hormonal changes you've been going through between the last pregnancy, this pregnancy, and combining this with caring for an 8-month-old, you want to make sure your mental health is in a good place. You are anxious, grieving, guilt-ridden. And although you don't need to feel guilty about a thing, it's just par for the course. It's very sad for you and that is totally normal and totally ok. You love your little 7 week old miracle already. That is a given. So don't worry about that. It's ok to be in mourning for your lost little one. All of your feelings and even those terrible dreams are a normal part of dealing with grief.

I think it would be really, really good to get some support, to help you get through this so that you can fully enjoy this pregnancy and be both physically and mentally well throughout.

You just need a handhold and support and I think the midwife team can certainly help you with this.

I had a mmc in January and was pregnant again in March, we started ttc again straight away. I think the feeling of loss is so great when you have a mc that no matter what you just want to be pregnant again as soon as possible. It doesn’t help that hormones are all over the place. We can never replace the ones we lost and they will always be part of our lives but the way I look at it .... it doesn’t matter if you ttc straight away or wait a year, you’ve still had a loss, that’s never going to go away, it just gets easier to deal with over time. I don’t feel guilty, I’m now 18 weeks pregnant and tell my bump about what could have been but on the other flip side I wouldn’t be pregnant with my little boy now if I hadn’t been through what I did. It’s tough going but I have no regrets

You poor thing. Not quite the same but I lost one of my twins at 12 weeks and sometimes feel a song of guilt that one survived and the other didn't. I find it helpful to remember that the other one could never have been, and this one was programmed to thrive and it could never have been any other way. Sorry for your loss but congratulations on your pregnancy.

*pang of guilt

I had a loss in March at 21 weeks, and I completely understand how you feel as this week I found out I was pregnant!!! I'm very up and down with my emotions and the grievance and for us this was a massive accident I don't really know how it happened as I we were very careful.

But I am a big believer in what is meant to be will be so hopefully it will all be ok in the end xx

@TheVanguardSix

Thank you so much for your reply, your right it’s been tough to properly deal & cope along with my baby. I feel like I’ve been on a roller coaster of emotions & I could benefit from talking to someone as I tell everyone constantly that I’m fine as I find it tough to talk about without crying.

I’m going to speak to my midwife to see if there is any support available, thank you 🙏

@Char2020 it’s lovely to hear your bonding with your baby and are able to talk about your loss- I really hope to get to that point.

@bertiebadger it’s heartbreaking but so good to know I’m not crazy in my thoughts, I really am driving myself mad. It’s a good way to think.

@Lucylou22039 21 weeks you poor thing, sorry for your loss. It truely is so hard to cope our minds are a tough place. I hope you go on to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Xx