Don't Know What To Do

[scaredat21]

Hi, I found out yesterday that I'm 16 weeks pregnant and I've never been more confused or scared. I didnt have any symptoms to show I was, no morning sickness or anything, and me & long term boyfriend have always used protection to avoid this situation. I'm currently living with my parents and have some savings but I don't know what to do. I can't imagine having an abortion, makes me sick to my stomach thinking of getting rid of this child (no judgement to anyone!) but I'm not really in the best position to be a mum and I'm worried that I wont be good enough or screw things up. Has anyone had kids at my age? How do I tell my partner? What do I do?

First thing... breathe

Everyone, planned or not freaks out, unfortunately for you your a little further ahead - at least your through the worst trimester!

You will be a good mum, you will figure it out no matter what! Speak to your partner, it’s his responsibility and have a chat about the practicalities.

How old are you if you don’t mind me asking?

I'm 21 years of age, will be 22 by the time the baby arrives :( Its something I really never expected to happen & I had so many plans to travel etc too, I was hoping to be married and have a stable job before kids

21/22 isn’t young at all.
Life never seems to go the way you plan it to, but I’m sure once you’re over the initial shock you’ll be making new plans that include your little one
Pregnancy is a lot to get your head around (even when it’s planned!) and the fact you’re worried that you won’t be good enough shows that you already want the best for your baby.

Talk to your boyfriend because he needs to know.
Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

My niece had her first at 21. She had a long term partner but was living with parents, hadn’t got a career sorted was just doing a series of casual jobs, and generally didn’t seem in the best place to be a mum, nor was she particularly mature in a lot of ways. There was a collective intake of breath when the family found out and a feeling that it was a bit of a disaster. But that was doing her a massive disservice because she’s honestly one of the best mums I know! Seriously she’s brilliant, I’m 40 expecting my first and I’ll learn a lot from her. 5 years later she has a second child, her and partner have just bought their first house and she is going back to uni to do her nursing degree.

That’s one story of course. Its not to belittle how scary it is for you at the moment. You do still have options but would need to move quickly. Does your boyfriend know yet? I think you need to talk to him first, and your parents. Is there anyone else you can confide in who will be supportive? You could look at the British pregnancy advisory service or try your gp if you wanted someone impartial?

@Peachy200

21/22 isn’t young at all. Life never seems to go the way you plan it to, but I’m sure once you’re over the initial shock you’ll be making new plans that include your little one Pregnancy is a lot to get your head around (even when it’s planned!) and the fact you’re worried that you won’t be good enough shows that you already want the best for your baby.

Talk to your boyfriend because he needs to know.
Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

My parents are so supportive at the moment but even they admitted that we dont have the space to accommodate a child, and I'm in no space to move out yet. As for the boyfriend I'm gonna tell him as soon as possible, but I'm terrified of how he'll react

@AliasGrape

My niece had her first at 21. She had a long term partner but was living with parents, hadn’t got a career sorted was just doing a series of casual jobs, and generally didn’t seem in the best place to be a mum, nor was she particularly mature in a lot of ways. There was a collective intake of breath when the family found out and a feeling that it was a bit of a disaster. But that was doing her a massive disservice because she’s honestly one of the best mums I know! Seriously she’s brilliant, I’m 40 expecting my first and I’ll learn a lot from her. 5 years later she has a second child, her and partner have just bought their first house and she is going back to uni to do her nursing degree.

That’s one story of course. Its not to belittle how scary it is for you at the moment. You do still have options but would need to move quickly. Does your boyfriend know yet? I think you need to talk to him first, and your parents. Is there anyone else you can confide in who will be supportive? You could look at the British pregnancy advisory service or try your gp if you wanted someone impartial?

This is relieving to hear, she definitely sounds like an amazing mum for sure! The boyfriend doesn't know yet, I only got confirmation yesterday and its complicated at the moment but I'm gonna tell him soon as I can. My parents know and are supportive but are shocked and dont know how to make a baby work in our household. The GP was the one who broke the news to me, unfortunately the people at the hospital for my dating scan were so rude and judgemental of my situation and it kinda made me scared to tell anyone else

My mum was 21 when she had me and I can honestly say she has been a wonderful mum. We are very close and I always found her to be good fun, creative and full of energy.

There is never a right age to have a baby.

DPR wrong thread?

OP- in what way did you feel judged by the hospital staff?

You will still be feeling so shocked.
But I wanted to say congratulations, there really is no right time to have a baby. I can also promise you life doesn’t have to stop. You can still travel, study, work, have a life.
Having a baby is tough, but the highs are worth it. Sending you loads of love xx

If you go ahead and keep the baby, it would sleep in your room for the first 6 months at least, so wouldn’t particularly need extra space in the house. Would your parents be ok with you staying at least until the baby is here? There will be housing support and advice out there, and you have some time to work all that out.

What is your concern about your boyfriends reaction? Is he generally a good boyfriend? If he was having sex with you then he’d have known that can lead to pregnancy, so he’s no business reacting badly. He might be shocked and scared but ultimately he’ll have to come to terms with it as you are having to, he’s just as responsible . You need to tell him, but if you think he’s likely to be unsupportive then perhaps have someone with you, or tell him but then ask for some space to get your own head round things.

I’m sorry the hospital staff made you feel judged. Do remember they will see mothers much younger than you and in a whole range of circumstances every day, they are unlikely to be phased by someone being pregnant at 21, so if they seem brusque or whatever it’s very unlikely to be personal.

Could you try talking to Marie Stopes advice line - they talk about the different options, I know you’re thinking you couldn’t terminate right now but it might help to talk through the options www.mariestopes.org.uk/abortion-services/what-are-my-pregnancy-options/

There’s also the British Pregnancy Advisory Service www.bpas.org/

Gingerbread is a single parents charity that can signpost you to the support/ benefits you may be entitled to www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/young-single-parents/

I found an organisation called family lives too, don’t know much about them but it seems they have an advice line, and forums www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/parenting/where-can-young-parents-go-for-support/

Thank you so much for this 💓 My parents are fine with me staying, my room is quite small but I'm happy to make as much room as needed, sacrifice any space for the little one and my mum's happy to help with childcare if need be so I can work and make some extra money. As for the boyfriend, hes a wonderful guy but unfortunately lockdown put quite a strain on everything and we're not as strong as we were before, and we hadnt really talked about living together yet, let alone raising a kid. I mean he had said that if ever I did get pregnant he'd stand by me irregardless but now that it's a reality, it might not be the case, but I do just have to tell him and go from there.

But thank you and everyone for the advice & support. It is kinda overwhelming still but relieving to know my situation, however unique, has its similarities