Family secrets

[Yorkshirelass251]

Hi all,

Around 8 years ago, my husband came across a letter by accident which told him his mum had previously had another son and had him adopted, and he was now trying to track her down. Obviously this was a huge shock. My husband had counselling and has gone from a time where he was unable to even say the adopted son's name to now talking freely about him and even meeting and having a good relationship with him.

His mum has not handled it well. She doesn't want to meet him (which we respect and is completely her decision) but has also asked my husband and her parents to bring it up in conversation. It's especially awkward when we go to visit them as they have a picture of him and the child in pride of place on the windowsill!!

I'm currently 14+2 and this is really worrying me now as I don't want it to be a huge secret or divide in the family and we would both like my husband's half brother to have a relationship with the baby. The tricky thing is, my husband's younger brother doesn't know and his mum and dad just keep making excuses about telling him. He's 25. We begged her to go to counselling about this after seeing how much it helped my husband but she went to one session and refused to go again.

I feel like we are always walking on eggshells about it and I don't really want this to continue to be an issue when the baby is born. Equally I'm conscious that it isn't my family and my role should just be to support my husband where he needs it.

Any advice really appreciated. Thank you

Sorry...typo. She's asked them not to bring it up in conversations!

I'm glad your DH managed to find his brother and has a good relationship with him. That's tricky and I'm afraid I cant help much. There is an adoption board on MN which might get more replies than the pregnancy one. Have you contacted any adoption support groups/agencies? Was MIL a single mother at the time? Maybe the stigma is just too much to relinquish? Is he husband the father? Could he support her going back to counselling or at least allowing you all discuss 'the other brother'?

Thank you for your reply @elouera - I didn't realise there was an adoption forum. I should have added - she was only 16 and not in a relationship with the baby's father and he doesn't know about him. He isn't my husband's dad. Her husband (my husband's father) attended the counselling session with her and he is a big support to my husband but even he is struggling to get through to her because she's so stubborn.

I will look up adoption agencies who might be able to help though, thank you.

It is a very very tough situation, my mum discovered some siblings who were put up for adoption by my nan before she had her and her 8 sisters we all knew and grew up with.

Our experience is it really divided the family. My mum and 3 of her sisters have remained close and been in touch with some of the adopted siblings and formed relationships with them. The other side of the family hate my mum for bringing it all up and have nothing to do with her, the 3 sister's and adopted siblings.

My nan won't have anything to do with the adopted ones or conversations. I think on the one hand people idealise the idea of well if you find a long lost relative it's going to be great and everyone should accept it, you should talk about it etc. But what we have to remember is that the person who gave the babies up probably 1. Never wanted to see if hear about them again so no open adoption plan 2. Resigned themselves to this and built up a resilience around it 3. Grew up in different times where adoption generally wasn't talked about and kept quiet 4. They've lived with this for much longer than we have (in my nanas case nearly 50 years before it all came up again) so we have to respect that. You can't make her get involved with someone she doesn't want to or do counselling she doesn't want. If your husband wants a relationship with his sibling that's fine but he should also respect his mum's decision to not talk about it etc.