Head is a mess.

[ClaireyB]

So I am 38 and have just found out I am pregnant. I have a 14yr old and 10 yr old already. I always thought I wanted another, but this is a total surprise. I feel so guilty, my head is telling me its wrong, I can't get excited, I'm petrified and don't know what to do.I keep thinking I just want it gone, and life to stay the same.
I am worried my 2 will hate me, it will ruin our relationship with them, that the age gap is to big and they wont be close, financially I am worried as I was starting to look at increasing wage but now I'm worried I will have to take a cut and not be able to provide them with nice things, holidayed etc which we were just starting to enjoy again as things have always been tight.

I am worried as a I suffered really badly with pnd and more recently anxiety, and I can't control it. I sit shaking thinking what on earth have I done. Then I feel guilty as I know many people struggle to conceive or unfortunately have suffered loss, and I shouldn't feel this way when I am able to.

I am pereified and in denial about it and do not know which way to turn which also makes me feel guilty. I am not sleeping and when I do I wake up shaking.

I just wondered if anyone else has been in this situation or can advise if this feeling will ever leave or what I can do

I don’t have any previous experience of this/haven’t been in your situation but didn’t want to read and run. Hopefully someone will see it who can share their experience.
In the meantime, I do know what it’s like to suffer with bad anxiety and I know how hard it can be to see things clearly once the monster comes out. It’s really frightening. It’s huge news to find out that you are expecting. I’m not sure how far along you are but I think you need to just give yourself some time for this to sink in. Your feelings are very raw at the moment but to make sure you make the right decision for you and your family, I think you need to try to calm down as much as you can. Do you have a partner you can talk to? Or anyone else you can talk to in confidence?
I think a lot of your fear is down to the shock and anxiety. Try not to panic; this is ok and you are in control. Take time to let it sink in properly and think everything through. You’ll know what the right decision is for you - it might just take a little bit of time to work it out.

Plenty of people have big age gaps, I have 13 between my 2. Your DCs will not hate you. This is your decision of what you do. Not to sound to harsh but you are not responsible for how other people react to you having 3 kids. You could raise millions for charity and yet there would be people who criticise you. I think you need to take time and perhaps talk to your doctor about your concerns. I wish you well

Hi,

I have experience of this but as the child not the parent.

My mum got a surprise at 37 and fell pregnant with my brother. I was 10 my sister was 14.
She also had the initial panic of how am I going to do this, I remember seeing her crying and wondering what was going on.

When my mum sat me and my sister down and told us she was pregnant not for one minute did we hate her, feel jealous, feel anything bad. We were excited and I remember my sister being grossed out and saying "euuuurg I can't believe you still do it!!!" 😅

Mum panicked. She felt old and not able to have another baby. But it was absolutely fine. We loved him as a baby. She had two built in baby sitters. The age gap is lovely now as he's 13 and he's got so many people he can call if in trouble. We've never really thought too into it, mum was having a baby and that's that.

It will be okay OP. Babies are little blessings. And my mum wouldn't be without my brother now, me and my sister are grown and moved out with our own children so she's glad she's still got one at home!! 🌟

I have experienced this from both the child and mothers perspective and it's been great both times.
I was 10 when my sister was born and I loved her immediately. I also know my brother and I helped out a lot with her and we enjoyed it.
Then I had a 10 year age gap between my two sons, and again my first has loved being a big brother and is a great help.

But I also know exactly how you feel. DS2 is only 8 months and the other day I found out I was pregnant again. I'm absolutely terrified and really I don't want it, and I definitely don't enjoy pregnancy! I'm catholic though and while I am pro choice I don't think I could go through with a termination, and DH would be devastated.

Sorry to not be much help but I just want you to know you're not alone and I hope whatever you decide you feel at peace with yourself x

I had dd2 at 38, she was definitely a surprise I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 5mths. 23 years after dd1 was born🤣. At the time 2 school friends of dd1's were pregnant at the same time as me i felt bloody ancient.
Shes 4 now and the best thing to happen to us.

Hi OP, I don't have my own children as
Of yet as pregnant FTM to be. However, I am the oldest of 5 siblings. The biggest age gap is 13 years between me and my youngest brother and we have a lovely relationship. Possibly the closest out of them all! Try and remain positive, they might absolutely love having a much younger sibling. ❤️

Hi OP I'm in a slightly similar situation. DS is 14. We've got a pretty good life and never thought we'd have anymore kids. 4 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I was devastated. I cried solidly for a day. I kept thinking wtf have we done, I didn't want anymore kids. I told myself I couldn't keep it. DH was very quiet which is totally unlike him. I went to bed that night and woke up with a totally different headspace. Like the day before never happened. I felt excitement.

Yeah our life will change but so what. Our situation is a million times better now that it was when we had DS. DH is over the moon and we're happy. My turn around took 24 hours. You may have a change of heart or your may not. And if you still feel regret you know you have options. Don't feel guilty for how you're feeling

Thank you all for your advice.
Im only around 6 weeks, and i am petrified and still keep having panic attacks that I am doing the wrong thing. DH is over the moon and confused by my reaction but being supportive trying to reassure me all the time things will be ok. It keeps swimming through my head - work will go wrong and I'll have a reduction in salary, we will have no money for anything, my girls will resent me for attention lost and having no money, what if I don't change how I feel when it arrives, how could I think about any alternative. Somethings I know are silly and I shouldnt feel but I do.
I want to talk to people, get advice but can't because I have to get to my own decision.
I feel isolated and in limbo, that I make the wrong decision for the rest of our lives. I've spoken to my doctor, and have had a talk counselling session, another arranged for next week. It feels like groundhog day in my head, I start to think it will be OK but then my fears spiral out of control and convince me otherwise. I am scared by this reaction.

My OH is being supportive but he really wants this, and would be devastated if I chose a termination even though we would decide together.I fear it will destroy our marriage and I can't think of that. I am petrified and wake up feeling im suffocating.

I really.hope I have a turn around of feelings. I just keep shaking and thinking I cannot do it I'm ruining everything. My DH is being supportiveim petrified of work and missing out on a permanent promotion which was happening the week lockdown hit and is now postponed till October. I am frightened by my reaction and feelings, I just Want to go to sleep and it all go away.

I'm really sorry OP
I can't really help in terms of work etc but it's obvious by how much you care about this affecting your kids that you're a brilliant mum, you absolutely could deal with a baby again if you decide to and it'll be so lucky to have you as it's mother.

It was 4 days ago I found out about mine and this is the first day I haven't cried over it. I'm still not happy about it, or excited and I am still terrified of everything to do with it but the panic is slowly subsiding and I hope yours does too.
I understand your DH would be gutted if you got a termination but if you are sure this isn't for you then it needs to be discussed. It's not him having to go through pregnancy/labour etc and I know a lot of the time (99% in my house) the mental strain of childcare as well as the physical aspect falls to the mother. There's no point in you being gutted at having a baby just so that he isn't. If there's makes sense.
Take care xx

Thanks for the messages. Unfortunately mother nature has decided, which may be a blessing. I have mixed feelings, but in my heart know things happen for a reason xx wishing everyone good luxk and lots of love in your situations x

Gosh, People saying they felt old at 38, I had mine by choice at this age and don't feel old at all (pregnant with second now at 39) but I guess I don't know how young and sprightly I would have felt if I had them in my 20s. My body may have bounced back tho. Anyway, that's irrelevant- sorry.

My friend is the big sister of a similar age gap and she loves it and they are sooooo close, it's lovely