To be sick of DH's family going on about bump

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

So I'm 18+4 today and thus far don't really have a bump... To be honest I look the same and haven't gained any weight yet either. I suffered with anorexia in my teens so this is a part of pregnancy I knew I would struggle with. Anyway I've told myself that if strangers etc make comments about my body to just shrug it off however my DH's family know my past history. In particular one of his sisters who I usually get on well with has done nothing but ask me constantly do you have a bump yet etc etc despite the fact I've told her it's something I struggle with and don't want to send photos etc. Anyway, yesterday my Dh took what I thought was a nice photo of me but he put it on his group family WhatsApp and then this sister has started commenting saying she can see my bump and banging on about it. I honestly don't have a bump, it is my usual stomach roll when I sit down lol and I feel like she's trying to obsess and find a bump when there isn't one.

I know I have some deep rooted issues but I just feel hurt that she would keep going on about it when she knows my past and I have asked her not to. It's just driving me nuts like all she cares about is whether I have a bump or not and how big...

I don't know what to say to her

Don’t say anything to her - get your husband to deal with her.

Tell your husband to stop putting photos of you on the group chat. It’s your body, not public property.

Stop chatting to your SIL about your body. Change the subject if she asks you anything like that. “ I am well thank you and so is baby, which is all that matters to me. Anyway how’s work / your cat ? “

Can you join an online ED support group where you are talk about the issues you might have with your body when you are pg? Or get some counselling ?

Is your GP / MW happy with your lack of weight gain so far in pg? Most women who are very slim to start off with do notice some changes by 20 weeks.

It’s completely normal to not gain any weight at your stage of pregnancy.
Can’t imagine how difficult it is for you, and I hope it gets easier.
I really think his sister is trying to get excited about the baby, and won’t realise how awful it’s making you feel. Could you speak to her about it? Just ask her not to comment on your body?
Sending you love x

It’s completely normal for some women not to gain weight at all - I’ve never gained an ounce in my last two pregnancies, I’m 29 weeks with this one and haven’t gained a thing.

I don’t get massive bumps either (although this time round I am obese, so just look fat as usual).

I get so fed up with the bump watchers, mostly Dh family. At 30 odd weeks last time I told them to shut up and never mention it again. This pregnancy they have kept their mouths shut.

I have issues around weight and body image etc.
I didn't gain weight or have a bump until 25 ish weeks, even then it was still small.

I'm almost 35 weeks now and have a huge bump and have gained weight (last look was 13lbs) I decided no more weighing myself as it's too stressful.

I've grown to accept and love my bump, not happy about the weight in other places but I can deal with that afterwards. I've eaten healthily the whole way through so I know I'm doing the best that I can.

If you're weighing yourself too much, my advice would be not to. My mindset really shifted once I stopped weighing myself x

I kind of feel the same I’m 19 weeks and haven’t really got a bump and when people comment about it or try look or touch it kinda annoys me because I feel like it’s just bloat or they are looking for something not there

@IM0GEN thank you, my DH definitely didn’t mean any harm by putting the photo on there - it was just a photo of me sitting on a bench! My midwife not worried about lack of weight gain as actually despite my past, my bmi is 24 due to chronic illness and medication I’ve been on that has led to weight gain.

@BeMorePacific thanks, yes she is just excited as she cant have children so feel like she’s obsessed with my pregnancy. The thing is I feel like I have talked to her already but it’s clearly not worked.

@Billyjoearmstrongglad someone else feels the same- it’s so annoying they way people seem to think your body becomes public property when pregnant

@EverythingBlue2020 thanks for your reply - it’s good to hear from someone else who feels the same, glad you’re able to be more positive!

@BabyKnighty1 yep I feel the same, I find it so irritating!

OP maybe ask your husband go have a quiet word with his sister. It's fine for her to be excited - it not so fine for her to stress you out.

I know you've told her but it's obviously not sunk in; maybe it will if her brother does. 🌷

@pumpkin108 gosh I really identify with your post, I had an eating disorder (very intense but only a few months) when I was 19 and literally never put the weight back on for over a decade. I thought I'd put it all behind me but in the last year or two I've realised (for me) it's like being a recovered alcoholic, it's sort of always latent and something can trigger it. Weirdly, I hardly ever talk about it but my midwife at booking suddenly said, have you ever had problems with ...? Can't remember her exact words but me and my DH were like gasp how did you possibly guess?! Anyway pregnancy has sometimes filled me with despair about how much my body has changed and how I hate the mirror sometimes these days.
My only advice fwiw is... remember, we are doing SO WELL. We're at a healthy weight, eating well, etc. And haven't regressed in years. It's like an alcoholic saying, I haven't had a drink in ten years, of course they'd find it hard sometimes, and for us being pregnant is the ultimate losing control of our bodies...it's totally ok to feel about it. What I wouldn't do tho (I know it's hard) is blame your SIL for how you're feeling. It doesn't sound like her behaviour is that unusual or rude or anything. This is our monster to wrestle and we can do it.

I’m in the opposite boat, I’m 17 weeks and have a bump, I’ve put on a stone already as was starving all the time at the beginning and gyms closed down. Before I was pregnant I was petite and went to the gym 4-5 times a week so it’s noticeable especially in lockdown where I haven’t seen friends for a while. Also my boobs are now huge which I never had before. Ive has a friend tell me it’s weird to see weight on me because she’s used to me being a skinny Minnie
Another friend feels the need to touch my belly every time she sees me and mentions how big I’m getting And spends the entire visit looking me up and down monitoring all the bits that are changing. It does get me down but I just try to ignore it

I know they mean well and are excited but at the moment I don’t feel great about myself and am quite self conscious so it isn’t helping.

If people touch your bump and you don’t like it , you need to say so but in a lighthearted way first time.

Hey, hands off! Look but don’t touch !

If they don’t listen then you need to be more firm.

“ please don’t touch my body, I don’t like it”.

Actually I just realised as I was typing that calling it a bump somehow detached it from you. Like ‘a handbag’ - as it’s Not part of you.

Whereas “ don’t touch my leg / tummy / stomach “ somehow sounds different . Or maybe it’s just me.

We don’t do it to anyone else. I never see my FIL and go up to pat his beer gut “ Ooops piling on the pounds there Derek”.

Or slap MIL on the arse “ Lockdowns a bugger isn’t it Doris”.

@Happynow001thanks. Yes I’m sure he will say something but I always get the feeling they talk about me behind my back and will say how it’s me being silly etc

@Umberta it’s great to hear from someone else who totally understands, yes I feel like it’s always there lurking and random things can set it off. I understand what you mean about not blaming my SIL - i dont blame her for my feelings but I do for the fact she keeps going on about it when she knows not to.

@Char2020 I totally understand how you feel even though opposite to me. I hate how people suddenly seem to think it’s ok to comment on our bodies when we are vulnerable coping with all the changes.

People do go on about bumps.....even when there isn't really one there yet! I didn't really show with DD1 until about 20 weeks, and it was still really subtle till about 25 weeks I think. I'm afraid you may need to get used to people commenting non-stop about your body once you are showing, people just can't resist! Best strategy depends on how firm you are willing to be with people. If someone gets offended, I suppose you could always say you're feeling a bit hormonal and sensitive at the moment..... it's not a great answer as really it's their problem, not yours, but it might be easier than being really assertive if you're not comfortable with that.