Partner more interested in gaming

[NewMama2020]

I'm currently 8 months pregnant, prepared and ready to welcome my little one into the world. There's just one problem. My partner is more interested in gaming and talking to his friends on headset. I don't mind this, however he is on it for a solid 12 hours a day, every day. When I ask about spending time together or I ask for a back or foot rub I'm told I'm clingy or being unreasonable. I've tried approaching him to talk about the situation and how I feel but without fail, everytime, I'm told I'm the one in the wrong. I'm worried about how this will affect 1) our relationship and 2) the level of interaction my baby will get from him. He already is distant, non affectionate and lazy towards me since isolation started. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

@NewMama2020 My boyfriend has just started playing on a computer after 7 years together but it’s only an hour here and there and we always spend lots of time together. Sorry haven’t really got any advice to give you apart from saying that you are definitely not being unreasonable. X

Hi OP, sorry your partner is behaving like a stroppy teenager! 12 hours a day though??? That would literally drive me insane....I'd end up throwing the console out the window (joke).

Has he always been like this or is it a lockdown type thing that needs to be nipped in the bud before baby arrives? It doesn't bode very well for when baby arrives so I completely get your frustration and I'm sorry to hear that your attempts to talk to him about it have been ignored or thrown back in your face.
Is there somewhere you could stay for a few days? maybe shock him into thinking about his behaviour?

Sorry I know this probably isn't helpful but I wouldn't be asking any more, I'd be demanding. There's 2 strategies, 1) I would feel so angry and I would probably go down the sarcastic route of comparing him to shrek, if even a fictional ogre can be a better dad than him, what's his excuse? I'd also probably tell him up front I'd rather go it alone if he can't be bothered to get involved.

2. I'd wonder why he's doing this, is he worried about when the baby comes he might not ever game again so he's cramming it all in now, if so he needs to talk about his feelings not just bottle them up. Or maybe he's worried about his job or finances and this behaviour is how he deals with it? I would ask him how would he feel if our roles were reversed and how would it make him feel? I would ask do you realise how selfish his behaviour is and he must know because that's why he gets defensive when you confront him. Talking it out may help him get perspective and if you understand the route cause of how he's feeling you can both be more supportive of each other, like a team.

1 is probably what I would instinctively go for but 2 is probably the more adult option of taking about it. I do think you're justified to feel the way you feel and he's being really unreasonable. That situation can't continue indefinitely, he must know that. At some point he has to shape up.

Sorry to hear he’s not being great! Congratulations on being almost due though.

How long have you been together? Has he always gamed? Has it always been that amount of gaming?

What is he going to do differently when the baby arrives? Ask him what kind of parent he wants to be.

That's ridiculous. My partner games but he will maybe do 1 or 2 evenings a week not 12 hours a day! A hobby is fine but this sounds like an obsession. When your baby arrives you will need help and support not some manchild who sulks when you tell him to get off his game.

I would suggest a really serious chat about his selfishness. I couldn't live with that.

Thank you everyone! I feel more reassured to know it's not just me going crazy and there is an issue!

Before lockdown he was never one to sit on the PS4 all day every day. He'd spend a lot of time on there but not to this extent - we'd still do things together, go for walks, be intimate, loving, spend time together. However now I'm heavily pregnant obviously we're not having sex and part of me thinks he's just simply not attracted to me right now so just doesn't have the time for me. He's mentioned a few times that he wants to "game before the baby comes" but I do think he has an addiction. Knowing him, he won't be able to go from 12 hours a day to only a few.

The other day I asked him if we could have an "isolation date night" watch films in bed, have snacks, have a laugh like we used to. He was all up for it until he realised it was double XP on his game. So he chose that over me. I'm just not sure he's willing to compromise.

At the end of the day, I have no problem with him gaming now and again. But at 8 months pregnant all I want is a bit of reassurance, a cuddle and support. If he can't see that I don't know how to make him?

I think the key here is compromise and communication. My husband is also an avid gamer and spends every day gaming which I've always been aware of and fine with as I also used to do the same, it's something we bonded over and it's his only hobby really. The difference is he will break away from it if I ask without the hostility your partner seems to give you. We split the household chores, we make sure we have time together at dinner and after we will sit and watch something, if I ask him for food or a drink he'll do it for me, he's helped with the nursery and building babies furniture etc.

I think you definitely need to sit him down and tell him he needs to split his time between you and gaming evenly.

TWELVE HOURS A DAY!!!!

Jeeeeeeese!

Yes you are right to be mad. It’s extremely selfish and ignorant of him to shut you out like that, not to mention the fact it’s bad for his health (mental and physical) too

This is a huge deal, and one way or another he has to change his habits. At the moment the pregnancy is all on you, but pretty soon he’s going to be on a steep learning curve with both a new mum and newborn baby to care for. He’s going to have to step up big time

I know this sounds brutal, but he is being incredibly selfish and it sets such a bad precedent for your parenting journey ahead My suggestion would be that you need to have a big, serious talk about it all. If he can’t see that he’s failing you at the moment, is he truly the right guy for you?

In my experience, it doesn't get better. 12 Hours a day is a joke.

He is probably anxious about the baby coming and knows he won't be able to play PC after so wants to use the time now. He's chatting with his mates while playing as I assume lockdown feels isolating. Talk to him and say you understand where he is coming from but you feel neglected and want some of his time too. Maybe he can skip a couple of days a week to spend time with you or evenings.. hope you'll find a solution. Best talk to him in the morning. It's a hobby that sucks all attention and it makes time fly. I completely understand how annoying this is for you. I doubt he'll continue when the baby is there but tell him that you would like to spend time together before the baby is here. Maybe play a board game together one evening?

Twelve hours a day is ridiculous op. My partner has a game night with friends one night a week. Then he might pop on to chat to them for an hour or two during the week.

Does he do his share of the housework. Cleaning, cooking etc?

It must be very lonely for you with him being on a headset for 12 hours a day.

I am usually one of the first the defend gamers on MN but twelve hours a day is an addiction. He needs some brutal home truths about how unacceptable this is. Sorry OP. Is he furloughed?

In efforts to compromise inasked my ex how long he’d like to play on his games as I didn’t want to say st playing completely. His reply “24 hours/day”. There was nowhere for me to go with this response.
The hope for you is that pre lockdown he wasn’t like this. But I do think you could do with talking about how it will be once baby is here. Congratulations! 💐

@NewMama2020
Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy.
My ex used to play games with his friends constantly before we moved in together. After this he used to go to his friends house so many nights a week and play games. When baby was born he would still go to friends to play games and then progressed to playing them in our home. His main focus was them and not baby and I did all the work which I was happy to do but the lack of effort etc ultimately made me end the relationship. Maybe if you nip it in the bud the just now and compromise with couple days a week for couple hours or whatnot as you don’t want to be feeling like this and nothing to have changed when baby arrives. Good luck x

Men generally don't see things being as big a deal as women do. What I've gathered from having 2 different gamer dad's to kids is that they seem to think well I better get my gaming out the way before baby comes, as the missis will nag me if I game when baby is here. Given we are in lockdown now as well, if he isn't working and thinks the house etc is all kept on top of, that may be why he's making the most of his freedom to play now. Pretty sure once baby is there and lockdown easesnitll be different x

Im 8 months pregnant and my husband was a hardcore gamer however I spoke to him about balancing his time on the playstation aswell as spending time with me. Now he only plays a few hours a day and then spends his evenings with me. It's important to work out a balance that meets both your needs and communication is key.

I have on and off issues with my gamer do. He seems to take notions of not playing at all and then like your partner every waking moment and even during when he should be asleep. We had some big rows about it. I have no issues with gaming and like some games myself but doing nothing else is not on.

After a talk about it and me telling him I was feeling set aside he would switch off and we would watch a film and get cuddly. And so when it was bedtime he would then go "ok night" and put it back on and play I to the wee hours. I was livid.

He needs a talking too esp with you being pregnant and cancelling your evening planned together for a double XP day is very rude. Tell him to get his priorities straight and if it is an issue for him you maybe need to seriously start thinking of telling him to get out.

Weirdly mine is furloughed and hasn't gamed at all... so odd. I think he gets right I to a game or then not at all. Addictive personality I think.

Hope he gets his head out of his arse for you. I am sure he will with a wee petted lip, but he needs to cut down. Explain it is like living on your own and how hurtful it is. X

Is your dp my dp? No joke sounds the same as mine however we have had a conversation about it and hes going to do night feeds in among gaming, which technically works for me. Let's see shall we! 12 hours is a lot though I think mine does about 3 or 4 most days, but we have a good balance that I'm happy with and that's the main thing

My partner was being the same. Not nearly as bad, it was a factor of a big problem, which was a lack of attention and affection. But like your man he would sit playing games a lot (which i dont mind at all, because im a heavy gamer too). My problem was how he was not making time for me. Just like you when I asked to spend time together or for a massage to help my aches he said I was unreasonable and it wouldnt change. Eventually I had enough and left for 3 weeks to stay with my parents, told him he needs to get his act together and think and that I needed to think about if he was worth staying with considering how unattentive he was being. I just laid it on in plain terms, and told him what I expected of my partner and future child's father. I think he had ended up taking me for granted, until I shown him I wasn't playing around and i would leave if he wasn't there for me, which woke him up. Maybe that would help for you too. It really seemed to give my partner a much needed wake up call and now that I've moved back in with him he has been putting in effort by making time for us and being attentive.

Just to provide a diff perspective that may help, I too am 8 months pregnant and I was the one who gamed too much. Similar hours and everything. I quit almost overnight after finding out I was pregnant, so it is possible to just drop it. Just depends on what kind of guy he is whether he manages or not really, just to say don't write him off yet x

@NewMama2020 Sorry you’re in this position! I can only imagine how upsetting that is!
There’s a lot of people have given advice that I’m sure is much more helpful than mine but I can honestly say if I was in your position that I’d be taking the power cable for the games console/PC and telling him to get his act together 🙈 there would be no discussions and compromising from me 🙈

I understand that it’s difficult on lockdown and that he’s trying to keep himself occupied and keep in touch with friends etc and like others have said, maybe he’s thinking he’ll get lots of gaming time now as he knows he won’t when baby arrives. BUT...he’s not the only one who isn’t going to be able to do as much of the things he likes when baby arrives! You are too! I would stand my ground on this one if I were you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Make a list of things you want to do together before baby arrives - whether that’s movie night, sorting baby clothes, cooking dinner, walks, online baby class etc - whatever you want! Tell him he can spend a certain amount of time gaming per day or week but you want all of these things done before baby arrives too.

I hope things get better for you soon ❤️

You’re heavily pregnant during a global pandemic, and he is not even going for walks with you?!
This is heartbreaking.
Unbelievably selfish, he is not a child. I’d be having a conversation saying you need more love and support.
If he isn’t willing to change, I’d move in with someone else. I hope you’re ok, take care xxx