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Dreading telling the mother in law we are expecting

22 replies

Tallulahs09 · 13/06/2020 19:39

As the title says I am absolutely dreading telling the mother in law that we are expecting. I'm Only early at minute, will be 8 weeks on Monday and not saying anything til after the 12 weeks due to a previous loss.

Last time she was awful, she knew I was potentially having a miscarriage but insisted on nothing but negative comments about how she didn't think we should be having a child as we already have one each and apparently no one should have more than one. Even though she had 2 herself. Also has said a number or time's it's a blessing I lost the baby.

In the time since having the miscarriage she has done nothing but tell me how I shouldn't want anymore children and just be happy I have one and that my partner has one. Also insists on constantly going on about how she will not be doing the child minding for another child as she has done it for my partner once with his daughter and now does it for her others sons child. Baring in mind we wouldn't be asking her to the child minding anyways, we would have no need too and quite frankly I wouldn't want her too cause all she does is moan about the 2 grandkids she already has, even does to my step daughters face.

Also my step daughter has told me that she has previously said to her that she dreads if me and son ever have a child together cause apparently we wouldn't know how to look after it. This getting said when we both have children and I have also got my qualifications as a nursery nurse and work with children. So it annoys me she would say things like that.

The thought of telling her and having all her negativity is really bothering me. Has anyone got any tips on how to not worry about what she says? X

OP posts:
Lordfrontpaw · 13/06/2020 19:40

Congratulations! I’d ask your other half to tell her - and tell her that she can keep her mouth shut or she won’t be seeing any of you. Life is too short.

macdhui · 13/06/2020 19:41

Just enjoy your pregnancy and don’t mention it until it’s really obvious

Windyatthebeach · 13/06/2020 19:44

Imo I wouldn't bother telling her!!
If she finds out so be it.
She sounds bloody awful.
We told mil I was pregnant - she said oh well accidents happen! Then when dh was out the way she whispered how his ex had wanted his babies!!
We have been nc since ds was 3 months..

RevIMJolly · 13/06/2020 19:45

Many many congratulations!

I know that it's hard but ask yourself; do you value this woman's opinion on anything else? I suspect not, therefore her opinion on your child rearing ability should mean nothing to you.

Also, and more importantly, you will never get her to change her mind. you cannot control her, you can only control how you react to her.

If she insists on being a dick, I suggest you write down exactly what you think, and then tell her that if she continues you will be happy to have little to do with her.

Good luck. It sounds as if you and your DP will be great parents.

Mangofandangoo · 13/06/2020 19:47

Just don't tell her. When she asks why you should tell her it's because she's a bloody moron.

SqidgeBum · 13/06/2020 19:48

How does your DP feel about telling her? If you both feel the same I would simply not tell her. Let her figure it out herself if she isnt going to be positive about it.

Also, how she reacted to your miscarriage is abhorrent. If my MIL said that to me it would be the last thing she would say to me, period. You have some amount of patience if you kept speaking to her following that.

Lardlizard · 13/06/2020 20:26

I wouldn’t bother tell her rude old bat

Tallulahs09 · 14/06/2020 11:07

DP says he would like us to tell her as she is his mum and I shouldn't take her comments personally as she is like that with everyone. I don't think saying she is like that with everyone makes it acceptable. After comments she has made in the past I find it very difficult to be civil with her, but I always try for the sake of DP.

I think I will go with the suggestion of not being there when she is told. If DP wishes to tell her, I will not try stop him but I will make it clear I don't want to be there. Sure she will have comments to make about that too!

OP posts:
rebecca102 · 14/06/2020 11:08

I wouldn't even bother telling her.

Spanishcove · 14/06/2020 11:10

No need to say anything to anyone at all for ages, yet, surely? I didn't tell anyone at all other than midwife and my line manager until I was almost 20 weeks.

Windyatthebeach · 14/06/2020 11:14

Maybe agree to tell her together but any unnecessary remarks and that's you done. He can't justify her being a cow forever. It may be her way but doesn't have to be your way to agree to it.

Katbaby · 14/06/2020 11:16

I'm 12 weeks on Tuesday and my FIL and I don't see eye to eye a lot of the time(lots of bad run ins in the past) . DH wanted to tell him straight away but I said that's up to him I don't want to be there.

Anyway his father has massively pissed him off this weekend so he has decided to hold off until later to tell him which suits me!

Hope you get sorted with your MIL I agree with PPs that you don't need to be there to tell her

swaywithme · 14/06/2020 11:23

I wouldn't tell her either, she doesn't deserve your time of day OP. What do you say to her when she makes these comments?

Alpacapicnic1 · 14/06/2020 11:25

Really tricky situation with in law's especially when they are toxic as she sounds. It's your responsibility to look after you though and do the best for yourself, and bump of course! So if you partner wants to tell his mum, let that be his responsibility and his problem to deal with her irrelevant self-absorbed response. If she gets in touch with you and says anything negative, I'd just be clear that you don't need her negativity thanks, and nor does your child. There is no excuse for it and she needs to be held to account imo! Good luck x

calpolatdawn · 14/06/2020 11:29

i think id have gone no contact after the horrible miscarriage comments Shock

Birdy1991 · 14/06/2020 11:31

She sounds like a right nasty piece of work! I wouldn’t tell her until it was obvious to be honest, it doesn’t sound like she really deserves your time. How does your partner feel about these comments?

bumblebeefairy · 14/06/2020 11:43

Congratulations OP. I agree, your DP should tell her. Don't be there, tell him you don't want to know her thoughts on it.

TommyShelby · 14/06/2020 11:47

OMG I wouldn’t tell her at all OP! She sounds like a toxic witch who isn’t worth the headspace. How dare she say to you that it is a blessing that you lost a baby!? Is she a sociopath?

Gerdticker · 14/06/2020 14:22

I think in the modern era it’s Increasingly accepted that families don’t always get on, that these things are complicated, and that you shouldn’t have to try and have a relationship with someone who is going to be detrimental to your mental health.

She sounds completely awful and I would say that you may want to disconnect contact with her completely, to protect yourself. She sounds mentally ill.

I appreciate your DP still wants to have contact with his mum, and you wouldn’t want to get in the way of their relationship; that’s up to him. But if she has proven time and time again to be quite so horrid, you don’t owe her anything.

Be strong. I am so happy for you and your pregnancy - have ten kids if you want!!!! Good for you both Smile

WatchoutfortheROUS · 14/06/2020 14:26

Congratulations! I'd have gone nc I've the miscarriage comments, so there'd be no need to tell her. The problem is with your DH, does he not pull her up on these comments? If not I'd be dealing with that first

mybowelshatepregnancy · 14/06/2020 15:25

Also has said a number or time's it's a blessing I lost the baby

I wouldn't speak to her ever again after that.

copycopypaste · 14/06/2020 16:21

If he wants to tell her then that's his prerogative. However I'd have a serious talk to him about not letting her get away with nasty or negative comments. He needs to understand that whilst he says to 'just ignore them' that you won't be ignoring them and that you'll be picking her up on them and he needs to back you up.

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