3rd pregnancy and petrified. Advice

[ClaireyB]

So I am 38 and have just found out I am pregnant. I have a 14yr old and 10 yr old already. I always thought I wanted another, but this is a total surprise. I feel so guilty, my head is telling me its wrong, I can't get excited, I'm petrified and don't know what to do.
I am worried my 2 will hate me, it will ruin our relationship with them, that the age gap is to big and they wont be close, financially I am worried as I was starting to look at increasing wage but now I'm worried I will have to take a cut and not be able to provide them with nice things, holidayed etc which we were just starting to enjoy again as things have always been tight.

I am worried as a I suffered really badly with pnd and more recently anxiety, and I can't control it. I sit shaking thinking what on earth have I done. Then I feel guilty as I know many people struggle to conceive or unfortunately have suffered loss, and I shouldn't feel this way when I am able to.

I am pereified and in denial about it and do not know which way to turn which also makes me feel guilty. I am not sleeping and when I do I wake up shaking.

I just wondered if anyone else has been in this situation or can advise if this feeling will ever leave or what I can do.
Sorry

Hi, I’ve just found out I’m expecting my third with a 12 and 10 year old, so a little similar. I had been debating for quite a long time whether I wanted another for a lot of the reasons you have mentioned. I’m finally working my way up the career ladder with a great supportive company and financially life has been a lot easier in the last few years. I’m at a point to do the last step in qualifying in my field where money would double. However, having said that, I’m now 32 and didn’t want to leave it as the age gap gets bigger, me and OH get many years older and I thought what would I regret more? I decided a career can be picked back up whereas if I waited and found I couldn’t have anymore children, I would find that much harder to live with. You don’t need to feel guilty that you’ve conceived when others have struggled you’re clearly very thankful that you’re so lucky, as am I. I only decided last month to try and luckily I have fell pregnant straight away but I wouldn’t have known that until it’s happened. Your children will be given another little friend for life and the ages they are will be a huge benefit in terms of extra hands to help, you will likely find they will be so protective and want to be involved in anyway they can. I thankfully didn’t suffer with pnd but you’ve conquered it before and there’s nothing to suggest you will face it again. With the anxiety, there is a lot of support out there such as counselling. My sister recently had a baby and has suffered massively for years but with ongoing support she’s coping extremely well, which she never thought possible and now baby is 6 months old she’s really enjoying being a mum. You’ve done it twice before and I bet you’ve done a fantastic job despite the struggles you’ve faced along the way. I’m feeling this time around will be a lot easier with two extra little ones to help out 🙂

Just on the age gap thing, don't over think it too much. I have a 11 year age gap between my 2 and they have the best relationship. She's his climbing frame and he's her little pal.
They get up to all sorts of mischief together 😂

Aw congratulations to you. And thank you for responding to my message. My head is all over the place, I've spoken to my doctor today who has sorted some talk support to try and help get my head sorted. The career thing helped, I just keep coming back to I have progressed and am now nearly where I want to be, and then I am taking ten steps back and pay wise to. But then as my friend said, and u said but when u look back, or are in your 80's will u talk about your career or your family. It all makes sense, but something is preventing me getting my head round this. I've cried so much and I'm scared and don't understand this reaction. I'm scared my eldest will hate me, as she says she doesn't want another baby when we have had general conversations. Its too soon to tell them yet X I hope you are doing well and feeling great to xx

Aw that's lovely. Lots of my friends have big gaps with their siblings and yet they are close. My head is in turmoil with a thousand things at once x

I am in my late 30s and expecting a surprise 3rd, when the baby is born my older 2 will be 13 & 11. I can honestly relate to the roller-coaster of emotions that you are going through.
What helped me make a decision is really putting a plan together of how it would look like if I was to have the baby. From sleeping arrangements to childcare costs. Just seeing logically how the next 4 years looked like in terms of finances and other arrangements. I also just had to turn down my dream job as it involved too much travel and would have been too stressful with a toddler.
I am yet to tell anyone and we are looking to tell the kids after 20 week scan in couple of weeks, that is if I don't bottle it. I am also anxious about what their reaction might be as no-one expressed a desire for another sibling. And I still have days with spiralling worries, that involve ruining futures, people reactions and OMG can I really go through baby and toddler years + teenagers.
Maybe try writing down your thinking when you are feeling out of control ? And if you can talk to your OH, would this help? Good luck

@ClaireyB Im glad you’ve reached out to your doctor just talking to an outsider can do miracles to get all your thoughts in order. I’m terrified inside too as there’s so many unknowns. Wondering have I made a life decision on a whim? Can I cope with teens and a toddler etc but if we didn’t have all these worries and thoughts would we be normal? I’m struggling with the career aspect massively, work will be completely shocked and I know family will be too and think I’m throwing my career away but I’m trying to block all thoughts of others at the minute and focus on my own mind as i try to process this life changing moment. I won’t be telling my children for as long as possible but they have recently got very upset over their favourite aunt giving attention to our baby nephew so who knows how any child will react but I can’t imagine your daughter or mine will feel anything other than a huge rush of love for little brother or sister once a little baby is there in front of them. That’s such a good idea as previous poster has suggested to write things down I’m going to do that myself and just make sure I hide the paper well so the children don’t find it as they do everything else lol 🙈 I really hope you’re feeling much better in the coming days once you’ve had time to really think things through x