rude but well meaning comments

[rhia22]

Hi everyone, just wanting to rant I guess. I am 22 and 24 weeks pregnant, none of my close friends are even thinking about having kids therefore know nothing about pregnancy or babies! I have one friend who I know means well but has said some really judgemental and upsetting things including:

1. Asked me if i'm breastfeeding and said she knows someone who is allergic to milk because they weren't breastfed (then a few weeks later sent me a fact sheet on breast feeding and said "if I CAN it would be good for the baby)

1. Said to me that she hopes i'm not resting on my stomach (when I said I rolled over in the bath to get some kicks out of my baby!).

1. Has said when she babysits to "catch them at mother and baby yoga"

1. Asked if i'm learning to change nappies

1. When booking an event for the month of my due date saying "isn't that close to your due date????" as if i didn't know when i'm meant to be having my own child!

I am aware I will be a young mum but every day of my life I spend researching and thinking about my baby and I'm finding it sooo hurtful that a close friend is saying such judgemental and rude things thinking she knows better when her opinions are based on absolutely nothing!!! what on earth do I do because she does mean well but it's upsetting me so much some times!

Omg I'd tell her to jog ok it's your baby not hers and if she has no experience with babies she certainly wouldn't be looking after my baby.
Say something now before you blow your top and fall out x

It sounds like your friend is showing interest in your pregnancy and baby. Isn't that a good thing? You say it is judgemental and rude, but is it? The conversation around breast feeding for example - it doesn't sound judgey to me, just chat. You say she thinks she knows better than you - honestly? I think if your friend showed zero interest in the baby you'd be even more annoyed.

Why have you started multiple threads on this?

@peachypetite didn't realise you couldn't drlete thought it was better off on the

... other topic folder! whoops!

I've had a similar thing with my younger sister who is a child care worker. We dont have the best relationship all the time but she means well and is genuinely excited. But has taken to referring to the baby her baby and how she'll be like a second mum, since I was married 2 years ago she has visited me once and we tend to go back to my hometown instead to see family. I've found it quite difficult as she feels like she is an expert in this field and has begun giving unsolicited advice which is usually not advice but a negative opinion about something I've chosen which I wont have spoken to her about but shes heard second hand. She is brilliant with babies but as our own relationship isn't the best I do find it all a bit overbearing. It's like 0 or 100 no in between. Think its probably just them both being excited and trying to express they care but I agree OP it can be annoying.

Best thing to do, if she brings stuff up give her your opinion or say "i'm looking into that (topic) but thanks for your interest, it makes me feel supported". It sounds like she is taking an interest, and heart is in the right place just probably expressing it differently to what you may have expected. Sometimes when we hear stuff we hear what we think is a criticism - what we miss is the care and love behind a statement (ie I realise now my mum wasn't nagging me as I got older lol).

I was 26 when I had my son and the first in groups of friends to have a baby so I understand how it can feel. Some of my friends I lost touch with and some stuck with me and we adapted to the "mummy friend" dynamic. I imagine she will support you whatever way you choose to do things, there's no right or wrong way to parent x

I don’t see anything judgemental or rude in what your friend has said. Just interest in the baby as a pp has said.

I also think your friend is being pretty interested and supportive.

Although I'm not sure I understand what the "catch them" at baby yoga means?

I have to say OP, i don't actually find those comments rude or judgy either.
It sounds like your friend is trying to be supportive and take an interest. If she hasn't got experience of babies/pregnancy then maybe it's not coming across in quite the way she intends it to but I really don't see anything here for you to get stressed or annoyed about.

Hi OP, agree with others that what she's said doesn't seem to be judgemental. She seems excited.

I wonder if this is more to do with you. You started your post by telling us your age and that none of your peers are at the same stage as you. I get the impression that you're thrilled to be becoming a mum. Are you worried about what other people think about it?

I hope you don't take offence.

OP, you sound a bit defensive. I had my DD when I was 19 and I get it. It’s easy to feel like people are getting at you because you’re a young mum.

It sounds like your friend is excited for you but maybe being a bit overbearing. Just smile and nod. You’ll get loads of people telling you what to do with your baby so come up with a polite but dismissive method now.

So this is a friend who hasn't actually had a baby? Yeah, I'd be irritated. Brace yourself, though, for the onslaught of women who have had a child and are therefore going to fling all their outdated, unsolicited advice at you. Yay, pregnancy!

It's not even necessarily anything to do with your age. I was 32 and nearly finished my phd (so quite good at reading books, you might assume!) when I was pregnant with DS1, and still every woman over the age of 45 had advice for me. Some of it was just out of date, some of it was obvious, but some of it was baaad.

My little boy is breastfed and has a milk allergy so...

Doesnt sound particularly judgemental to me. She sounds a bit clueless but def interested which is nice.

I'm a FTM at 37 and am constantly getting unsolicited advice and tips from people.
Just smile, take on board what you want and ignore the rest. It's just people's way of trying to be helpful and supportive.

Bark 'Enough with the unsolicited advice!' at her.

I also don't think what has been said suggests she judging you. The due date thing, booking something in for that month is probably an error because the baby could be two weeks late, you obviously don't know if everything will be straightforward and you might just not feel up to it. You might of course feel fine but I don't think it is an unreasonable thing to say.

I had my son when I was 18 and I get the feeling of being judged. I felt it for years. But taking an objective view, I don't think you need to feel judged based on what she has said.

Rhia - also breastfeeding isn't possible for everyone. Sometimes it comes easily, sometimes it doesn't. I did breastfeed but on day 3 before my milk had come in, I was on the verge of giving up because it isn't always easy.

I hate people pushing breastfeeding though. it is entirely up to you whether you choose to do it or not. I didn't with my son when I was 18 but then had my daughter when I was 40 and breastfed her.

One of my staff who is in their twenties said to me she didn't know how to react to news when I told them as she doesn't know anyone in her social group having babies. I think she was worried about saying wrong thing. I think your friend sounds like she is trying to be supportive but she is learning as we are all are throughout life.

You get loads of unsolicited advice when you're pregnant and a parent, you just learn to ignore it!

I agree with PP, it sounds like she's trying to take an interest. She might not be wording it in the right way but I think the intention is good. Tbh, at 22 I was way more concerned with sinking bottles of pinot grigio and going clubbing to be arsed about someone's baby so at least she's putting in some effort!