I feel like I've made a huge mistake

[MsFrog]

Dh and I couldn't decide about trying for a second, but the guilt of my DS being an only one made us eventually go for it. I know that is a stupid reason to make the decision, but I really felt like I wanted another one and was excited when I fell pregnant. That quickly changed and now I can't stop worrying and I feel miserable. I worry I'll never cope, I worry about my mental and physical health, my husband's mental health, I'm terrified of a repeat of the horrendous sleep deprivation that went on for 18 months with DS. I feel weak and stupid and selfish for all the thoughts I have, and pathetic that lots of people cope with 2 easily. Then I read endless threads about how hard it is and how people are struggling. I keep thinking about termination (I'm so sorry if this is insensitive to others who long for a baby), I even rang BPAS and they sent me the medication. I've been carrying or everywhere with me for 3 days on the verge of taking it, then the guilt stops me. I can't think of a single positive thing about having another, except my DS wouldn't be an only and I wouldn't have to live with the guilt and shame of termination. But I don't want to bring a poor child in to the world feeling like this about it. I feel nothing for the baby, I even had a scan and when I saw it on the screen I felt even worse.

I'm 9 weeks today. I just feel desperate and I hate myself for getting into this position. I don't know what I want from this post, but I feel tortured by these thoughts and I guess I wondered if anyone else has felt like this, if it passed and if they coped.

I’m so sorry OP. That’s a horrible position to be in.
I completely understand the feelings of panic and being overwhelmed but these aren’t healthy thoughts and it sounds as though you’re giving yourself an incredibly hard time.
What does your DH think? Is he going to be a big support in those hard early days with a newborn?
Is he aware of how hard you’re finding this?
It’s completely your choice if you go ahead. My view is that saying “not now” isn’t the same as saying “no”. On the other hand I do think you sound as though your anxiety is brutal and you might not be thinking clearly.
My advice is to talk to your husband and talk to your gp. If you go ahead you need help and support with your anxiety now and once the baby is born.
Good luck OP. Be kind to yourself whatever you decide. X

Thank you so much for your kind reply. My DH doesn't really know how I'm feeling, I can't bring myself to tell him because I'm ashamed of how he might see me. We've talked about it once and he said if I didn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy, then I don't have to and we'd be okay. He doesn't know I've got the medication, which I feel horrible about as well. I can't believe I could keep an awful secret like this, I feel ashamed of myself.

He wasn't great for a long time with DS was born, didn't engage much with the baby or learning all the new things; I felt very alone and think I may have had PND or anxiety or something, but I also think he had mental health problems as well. We've talked about it since a lot, and he admits he didn't bond well and took a step back and it wasn't fair. We had a long hard road of infertility before DS, another reason I can't believe I'm considering termination. We also both agreed this would be the last time we would try, as I've had so many miscarriages and awful pregnancies, we both don't want to go through it again and again. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I have time to wait to see the GP because then the baby will be even bigger and more developed and I'd hate myself even more.

I have 2 years between my two. The first was a terrible sleeper from day 1. The second was an absolute dream compared to my first.

Try not to worry, it could be a completely different experience.

Maybe speak to your GP about how you’re feeling or a close friend. My like someone has just said you may have a different experience with your second compared to your first. My oldest didn’t sleep well and was constantly vomiting large amounts of milk. Midwifes and HVs kept saying it was normal and he was still growing so fine but it drained me constantly having an upset baby and constantly washing clothes, sofa covers, bedding. Turned out he was dairy intolerant though. I was afraid my second would be hard work also and only a 20mth gap between them but she was the complete difference. She slept well and was very calm and content.

You could look in to pre natal depression. There’s threads on here about women who desperately wanted a baby but once they got pregnant had horrific anxiety and depression and terminated, but then instantly regretted it and got pregnant again. Your thoughts are being skewed and magnified by anxiety and while you are in the thick of it you can’t think clearly or logically. Are you able to set up a support system with family before the baby is born? So if your DH fails to help you can ask for support elsewhere

Op, so sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like you may have some antenatal anxiety or depression. I say this as I had if and recognise the symptoms I what you describe. I went to my GP who fast tracked me for CBT on the NHS and also spoke to a private therapist.

It is more common that people think to feel this way in pregnancy that a lot of people realise it's just not spoken about as openly as post natal depression. I was also reading lots of posts on the internet to make myself feel worse and catastrophising. I also considered a termination after a fairly long road conceiving.

Having therapy helped me reach peace and realise I did want my baby and could cope.

Totally agree with @cocobean30. Depression and anxiety are illnesses and need to be treated. I think a gp is the way to go.
Being unhappy, worried, stressed etc is all normal. The despair and panic is not. It’s a symptom of something more sinister. I think speaking to someone impartial IRL will help.

I've just found out I'm pregnant with my third OP and I feel the same. It was a surprise and I'm panicking. My second was a nightmare and my mental health was in tatters, I'm terrified. Also every time me and dp have an argument I think I can't go through this again (he really wasn't very supportive last time, and basically told me to get a grip when I told him how I was feeling after the birth) he was also never here. Just left to go do hobbies when ever he liked because I was default to look after the kids. Actually n think he was the problem more than the baby or my mental health. I've only felt better the last couple of years and the youngest is 7 this year! I really feel your pain. I've always said I would never be able to go through with an abortion and never even considered it with my first 2 , and I was very young with the first, but this time I've thought about it for many reasons.

I feel this post. Good luck, OP. Guilt is of no use to anyone... but that doesn't help much, sorry. I hope your decision gets easier to make.

I felt exactly like you with my second we were excited to try and it all happened so quickly. Then the morning sickness set it and looking after a toddler and working and feel so ill was horrible I felt we made a massive mistake, i didn’t think I would love him, felt so bad my toddler was now going to have to share everything. I talked to my partner a lot I didn’t voice my fears to anyone else. And as the weeks and days went past the feelings lessened and completely disappeared when he was in my arms.

It’s tough don’t get me wrong with 2 but there are so many good times and knowing that they will hopefully have each other makes it worth while.

I think my experience came down to hormones and completely rational feelings but the hormones make things seem worse. Talk to your husband lots and be there for each other, it might pass but it might not, but I’ve been there x be kind to yourself

Thank you so much for all your replies, I am so grateful that people have taken the time to offer support and share their experiences. I don't know how else to talk about it now, but I realised this morning I needs some help in real life, and I'm going to try to get it.

It’s so sad to hear how awful you’re feeling.
Firstly if you decide to go for a termination, I’d recommend you speak to someone beforehand, as you seem very unsure. I would also urge you to discuss it with your husband, as you may need support if you go ahead with it.
No 2 baby’s are the same, and your experiences won’t be the same 2nd time around.
Maybe talking out how you’re feeling with someone will help clear your head. Take care Xxx

Oh, you poor thing. I’m not in exactly the same situation but did have a bit of a panic a couple of weeks ago - I was happy to be pregnant, but had a massive wobble when I found out that I was expecting twins, and that there were complications that mean I’ll probably have to have a c section and they might have to be very premature. Big wobble about whether I was doing the right thing for me/DH/our DD.

Everyone says that having a second one isn’t as big a change in your life as having your first. There’s also a lot less unknown - you know how to do nappies/feeding etc, so you’ll be able to do those things more efficiently than you did last time.

Your DS will be older by the time your new one arrives. Is he at nursery/preschool? If not yet, could he start before your new one comes so that you aren’t juggling both at once all the time? That way you might still be able to catch up on some sleep when your younger one is napping.

Whatever you decide, I think you really need to talk to your DH. I hope you are able to.

Glad you’re getting help, best wishes

My experience is that having two was far easier than having one. There was 20 months between them. I don’t know if it’s because they have their own relationship or whether it’s because you’re used to it so you just get on with it... but it was definitely easier.