I'm dreading my baby coming

[anon1389]

I'm 34 weeks today and through my pregnancy I've been dreading her arrival which makes me feel awful because I wanted a baby so badly. I'm so scared of what's to come, it's not even the labour but her actually being here. I know how hard it's going to be with sleep deprivation, constant crying, constantly being needed by her. I'm also worried about the effect it'll have on my husband.

I have set up her nursery and have all her clothes ready etc but every time I go in there or look at baby things I'm filled with dread instead of joy. I get family asking "Aren't you so excited now? I bet you can't wait for a cuddle." etc etc and all I can think is "No... I'm terrified". I have experience with babies so I think that's what makes it worse? I know what's coming.

Has anyone else felt like this?

Yes. I sobbed in labour with my first.
My second I tried to refuse to go to the hospital to have her (like that would have stopped her coming!)
I was slightly calmer about 3dc but not much.
I am now expecting dc4!
I think each time I have felt, 'I don't want a stranger coming into my family' then as soon as they are here it's like my brain switches and says, 'ahh, you're not a stranger. You're my baby!'
I know that sounds daft.
Also, your own crying is very different from other babies crying. It's more natural to deal with in my experience.
Don't feel guilty for how you are feeling.

This could stand you in good stead in a strange way. With my first I was absolutely terrified and thought I had ruined my life with all the chat of “you’ll never sleep again/ your relationship will change/ you’ll become mum not your name” etc - everything I did near the end of my pregnancy, even pub Sunday lunch, felt like “the last time”...

Then he arrived and cause I had been so worried it was such a lovely surprise! I loved him so much and he was so small and portable we could still do loads of stuff and get out and his sleep wasn’t great but for me I was expecting it to be so bad that even him sleeping a little bit was a bonus! We still had fun as a couple and our bond strengthened over him. Like there were obviously tough times too but compared to what I was expecting they were easily overcome.

Whereas a few girls from NCT who had been so so excited and had such a strong perfect vision of what having a baby was like really struggled at first because it did not live up to the Instagram dream they thought it would be.

I feel exactly the same! I'm 34 weeks tomorrow. I've had the most stressful week moving house and then my dog becoming very ill. I'm starting to dread the baby coming because I'm so stressed. Feel terrible saying this. I don't feel like I've 'bonded' with her yet like other mums do. I'm just hoping that the love will kick in once she's here...

@lustforlife yes, I feel like I've not bonded either. I feel a weird disconnect, like I can't imagine her as an actual person? I don't talk to her or anything. I see mums posting online about how much they talk, sing or read to their unborn babies and I'm just kind of like "Why...?" and mums posting about how loved and wanted the baby is already, now I obviously do not wish any harm on my unborn child but I can't say I feel that love towards her yet, I feel stronger feelings about my pets tbh :/ I know it sounds awful.

Just to say you’re not alone O.P. - we had fertility problems and this is a long long tried for/wanted baby- and now I feel like I’ve ruined my life. I’m 30 weeks and can’t help thinking ‘what have I done’. Makes no sense really as in terms of social life/career/finances etc we are in a good place for a baby. Sometimes I feel ashamed of my thoughts that I’m not going to be a good mum because of how I feel. And I’m so tired as I’m not sleeping (pregnancy insomnia) sometimes when she keeps me awake kicking I even resent her and want to scream shut up! So you’re not alone. I’m hoping when she gets here I won’t feel this way 🤷‍♀️

I’ve realised that makes me sound insane - I’m actually a normal/ nice person usually but I guess I’m just saying I know how you feel. And it makes me feel guilty too

I never talk or sing to my bump either, and I didn't do it with my first either. I feel stupid doing it like I'm talking to myself. They will be hearing you talk all through the day so will know what your voice sounds like. Before I had my first it was very strange imagining him here, when we found out he was a boy that did help a bit. But I'd say this is totally normal, especially for your first.

You’re not alone OP but do speak to your midwife about it.
In my area they can offer additional support to help bonding with bump and baby.

Whilst you do sound overly worried, I actually think it's better to be prepared. With my first I was honestly so naive, I knew nothing about childbirth or babies. Labour and a newborn was such a shock to the system and I really struggled. With my second, I was fully prepared for the worst. My labour was actually much better and my second baby has also been so much easier. So it's been a pleasant surprise this time.

I wouldn't say I bonded with either of mine before I had them either (certainly didn't talk or sing to my bump) and I fell in love with them both straight away, so I wouldn't worry about that. You just have to read all the posts on here to see how many people don't bond with their babies even after they're born and all turns out to be fine. Everyone's different.

OP l got pregnant by accident, never ever wanted children, always scared of babies. Was due to be induced and they said come in earlier than they originally said,cos they had a spare bed for me but l thought no thanks l will arrive later, just for an extra couple of hours before the labour began and my life was ruined forever😂. Honestly felt bad cos everyone kept saying bet you are excited but honestly l wanted to throw up at the thought of having a baby. Anyway she was eventually born by c section and was the most chilled out little baby - everyone said how chilled she was. So don't assume your baby will constantly cry, it might not! I remember one day phoning my DH to say the baby hasn't cried so l was worried about her - he said is she clean/rested and fed? Which of course she was so had no need to cry all day.i adored her from the minute she was born, despite spending my whole pregnancy dreading childbirth and motherhood. It really is different when it is your own. xxx

@anon1389 I feel similar. Sounds like you are putting pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. It is annoying when people constantly say “ I bet you’re excited” and not wanting to hear how you actually feel. My pregnancy was unplanned, I had decided not to have children. I have a horse and dog and they are my world. I have been terrified of losing my identity and my life being all about the baby. I’m now 36 weeks pregnant and have gone through all the emotions. I’m now calm and just accepting how I feel. I have been a bit obsessed with writing out plans for baby routines so I can still have time with my horse. I think being practical can help feel more in control like I’m planning on combo feeding so my husband can do the evening feeds. I think people love scary pregnant women with how little sleep etc but I have a friend who got her twins in such a good routine they sleep well and that’s what I’m planning to do. I think talking to the baby has helped me a bit, I talk to her when I’m alone and I talk to her like an adult, just saying we are in this together and I’ll do my best for her etc xx

I think it’s normal to have those thoughts now and then, especially if you haven’t had a lot of experience with babies. I remember sitting in my NCT class thinking “why are you lot all asking so many questions about birth? that’s one day, what about everything that comes after??? When is someone going to tell me what to do?”

Sleep deprivation is an absolute nightmare. Accept any help that you are offered. Encourage people to bring you food, but don’t feel like you have to entertain anyone (probably easier as people are currently only allowed into the garden!). Ask your DH to take the baby out for a walk in the pram so you can have a nap (trickier if you’re breastfeeding, but if you feed them first then pop them in you might get a decent break). Whatever you do DON’T try and clean the house while the baby sleeps (my mum came over to help me do this - on reflection this was madness! sod the state of the house!), have a break. They may only sleep for a short stint, so for god’s sake have a drink and a snack, or if they are sleeping for the long haul, get a nap in. My DD would only nap in her cot for 15 mins or so, but for months she had a 3 hour nap in the afternoon if I was holding her. So I’d stick a downtown abbey DVD on quietly, get us in a nice cosy position when she couldn’t roll off/I couldn’t roll on her and then semi-snooze for a decent chunk of the afternoon. Vacuuming can wait.

Honestly, the early weeks can be really tough. You may be lucky though - some babies are big sleepers. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. But even if you get one of the really tough ones, those weeks don’t last forever. Babies get easier, and when they start napping/sleeping more on a routine you can plan your day out and it all feels much easier.