Feel like just telling everyone

[LondonAfterMidnight]

I'm 8 weeks and have had a private scan. Last time I was pregnant we didn't say anything on social media until 12 weeks. But honestly I'm struggling so much this time with sickness, isolation and exhaustion and at this time am using social media (well, Facebook) as a general support network that I feel like just announcing it already. I'm finding it such a lonely experience and telling people or not doesn't change the outcome anyway, if I have a miscarriage or something goes wrong it wouldn't have been any different telling people or not.

Has anyone else made it public this early? Does anyone else just feel really lonely right now?

I told everyone straight away both times. I don't really understand the secrecy; if I had had a miscarriage I'd have wanted their support, not for it to be a secret burden we had to carry alone.

Hi! I totally understand the frustration - I've struggled so much with lockdown and I'm 12+1. Got a scan coming up and the going to tell everyone after (if everything's ok) which will be such a relief. I had a MMC last year and told everyone early and then had to untell everyone which I didn't enjoy ☹️ so for me, I decided to wait. Someone once told me to tell the people you would tell if you had a miscarriage because they'd find out either way. It's totally up to you and chances are everything will be totally fine!

Do what you like, it's entirely up to you - if you'd feel happier doing that then do it! I didn't put anything on social media until after 12 weeks but both of our families and all of our friends knew between 6 and 10 weeks. It really helped me to be able to talk about it with people and I know if anything had gone wrong I would have wanted their support anyway. I'm 17 weeks now and still finding it quite lonely, it's a really weird time to be pregnant and not at all how I'd imagined it so anything that will make you feel better and less lonely, I say go for it x

There are no rules OP

It's a kind of 'tradition' (for want of a better word) to wait till after 12 weeks because the risk of MC reduces by quite a lot then and that's when most people have their first scan so can see that all is OK. It's not a hard and fast rule though by any means.

You choose who you want to tell and how you want to tell them and when. Say nothing on social media or post about it every day. It's up to you.

Do think about the people you're telling though and how it would feel if you later had bad news and had to tell everyone. If you would be happy for the support in both good and bad then thats great. If it would make bad news a lot worse to have to update so many people and share your pain and sadness with them all then maybe just be a bit more choosy about who you tell right now. It's entirely up to you though (and your partner, if they're around)

Tell whoever you like, the 12 week rule is ridiculous and from a time when women were blamed for their miscarriages. It's patriarchal bullsht that women have to go through the exhaustion and sickness of the first trimester in silence, lest the pregnancy not develop. Who is the silence protecting?!

@Maincat exactly this!!!

Who is the silence protecting?

The pregnant woman? Who would then have to go through the trauma of telling all those people that the pregnancy didn't work out. It's not patriarchal. A lot of things are, but not this. A bit of privacy and restraint aren't a bad thing in early pregnancy.

@Maincat Saying it's patriachial is rubbish. Surely you can understand that some people decide to wait until 12 weeks? I didn't wait until 12 weeks because I lived in fear of being blamed if I miscarried and I'm sure the majority don't. Some women would rather wait so that their happy news isn't tinged with an increased possibility of miscarriage. It can be an anxious time in the first trimester. I made my decision because I wanted to decrease the chance of having to break my family's hearts after sharing the news. I don't judge people that want to let people know earlier though. I have a really supportive husband that is capable of providing all of the emotional support I would need if I had a miscarriage. In the end, I think you could compare it to when people 'go official' in a relationship, some people do this really early on and others prefer to wait until they feel more confident about the chances of the relationship lasting.

As I said in my post, tell who you want when you want. That goes for everyone. Some people won't want to say at all for months! Yes, I'm afraid silence around pregnancy and miscarriage, blame, shame and having to hide the truth about women's bodies is a patriarchal hangover. If you look back historically menstruation was taboo, along with many other aspects of women's health and reproduction. Any social rules stem from somewhere. If you don't want to tell people, you don't have to...if you want to tell everyone there's nothing to stop you. I speak as someone who's had miscarriages and successful pregnancies too! The more women who take co tell of their own narratives, lives and bodies, and make decisions based on their own feelings and needs the better. If you read my post I was in no way suggesting any women shouldn't do exactly as they want.

*control

I'm 12 weeks into my second pregnancy, and I told most people I'm close to before now.

My rule is that if I'd tell the person if I've miscarried, then I can tell them I'm pregnant in the first place. Like you say it's pretty lonely without the support otherwise!

We’ve just found out we’re pregnant (about 4 weeks). With my first we told close family around 8 weeks and then anyone else as and when we saw them. We didn’t put anything on social media.

My husband is desperate to tel people about this baby, I’m happy to wait for my belly to grow 😂. If you want to tell people just do it.

We told friends and family after a private scan at 8 weeks and other people later on.

My husband and I told all our family as soon as we found out (4 weeks).I also told a few of my really close friends as I felt like I needed someone to talk to. I then waited until 12 weeks to put it on social media purely because I didn't want to have to explain what happened if anything did happen. There isn't any right or wrong thing to do- I know some people who announced it on facebook when they were 8 weeks, and some that only announced it when their baby was born! Do what feels right for you :) congratulations!

It’s really entirely up to you! I’m 10+3 now and had a scan at 10 weeks, but I’m still holding out til 12 weeks to tell anyone but my partner. This isn’t because I’m an oppressed victim of the patriarchy (well, not in this respect!) but because the idea of having to ‘untell’ people horrifies me. If you think you would be ok with that risk, and I know lots of people are, then by all means tell! But do it because you’re genuinely ok with it, not just out of excitement (I also feel fit to bust from not telling, but rational me knows this is better for me in the long run we’re the worst to happen). But there’s no right answer - you have to do what is best for you :)

@Maincat I understand how it may be seen as a symptom of patriarchy that menstruation hasn't historically been considered a topic for discussion. Some women even now are ashamed/awkward when they discuss their period. However, I've haven't come across a woman that is ashamed of having a miscarriage, just disappointed and grief stricken. Some women don't want to openly share their grief and disapointment with their loved ones. That doesn't mean that they feel like a failure. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. If a woman decides to keep her grief between her and her partner then she isn't being controlled by patriachial expectations. She is just doing what is right for her.

Its a personal thing for your and Oh to decide on. You cant take it back telling people though. I was pregnant during lockdown and found staying at home much easier in terms of being able to not mention anything. We were planning a surprised when we started seeing friends and family again. Despite seeing a HB at 7 weeks, I then MC at 10, so am very glad I didn't tell people. Some people just don't know what to say, or might even avoid chatting in case they offend.

Would you also mention it on social media if things didn't work out?

Yep, I would. I don't know anyone in my immediate family or circle who has experienced a miscarriage (that I know of anyway) so I'd be grateful of any support. I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't feel excited which is partly why I want to tell, to vibe off other people. All I feel is sick and exhausted. I feel like I'm just ill and not pregnant.

I don't think I'd do it after 8. I had a scan at 8 weeks, healthy heartbeat and still miscarried. I was going to wait until the 12 week scan with this one but I'm now 15 weeks and still holding off. I think you just have to be prepared for months of people asking how you're getting on and that's great if you're still pregnant but if you're not explaining it over and over will be grim.

The only reason we kept ours a secret until 12 weeks is because I also have a 10 and 7 year old and wouldn't want them knowing if I miscarried. If it hadn't been for them I'd have told people as I agree, you would want people's support regardless.. do what feels right for you xx

I will at least tell my boss as although the vomiting is easy to hide, I am struggling enormously with exhaustion. I had to take 3 days off a few weeks ago with sheer fatigue and it's put me close to a sickness absence trigger.

I was pregnant at the end of last year at had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, I had told family and a few friends and have no regrets, the support I was shown afterwards was a big help, I would have found it even harder had no one known.

Saying that, I'm not pregnant again (16 weeks) and didn't tell as many people, but purely because I haven't seen them and telling people in person is just so lovely. The buzz of sharing the news is the best, so if you want to share you definitely should.

Sorry that you're feeling so rough, pregnancy sickness truly is awful!

I moved country so the only people to tell in person are my family - already have. Everyone else I love lives overseas.

It’s totally up to you, OP. The only reason to wait until 12 weeks is if you personally think it will be hard to have to tell everyone that you’ve had a miscarriage and if you think that will make it harder for you. If that isn’t a concern for you, it’s completely fine for you to tell people when you’re ready.

Tell whoever you like, the 12 week rule is ridiculous and from a time when women were blamed for their miscarriages. It's patriarchal bullsht that women have to go through the exhaustion and sickness of the first trimester in silence, lest the pregnancy not develop. Who is the silence protecting?!

Personally, I was protecting myself by not telling people until 12 weeks because I would have found it very upsetting and difficult to have to tell multiple people if I had miscarried. I would likely have sought support from specific friends and family if I had miscarried, but I wouldn’t have needed to announce my pregnancy in advance to be able to do that.

It is, very obviously, a personal decision that every woman should make for herself. If a woman feels happy telling people before 12 weeks then she should be free to do so without judgment. Equally, if a woman thinks her interests are best protected by not sharing the news, that’s also a completely valid choice. Calling it a ‘patriarchal hangover’ minimises the fact that for many women it’s a completely legitimate form of self-preservation that doesn’t force them into the position of having to share information they don’t want to.