Overpowing grandparents! Help

[SmilingLikeMorrisOnABike]

I'm due my first in just over 4 weeks and it's my parents first grandchild. I don't have a great relationship with my mother (due to a lot of issues in the past). When we first announced our pregnancy mum put it on social media before we did, she's bought clothes especially for her house, a changing unit, moses basket, travel cot (I don't know why she needs both?!), a swing, walker, clothes, nappies, formula - literally they have more stuff in their house than me and my OH do... Everything she has bought is for their house not ours as she keeps reminding me. Me and my OH both have jobs he is nurse in a private hospital and I work in a local shop (part time) we aren't rolling in money but we have more than enough to be comfortable. Mum has arranged with work that she will no longer work on a Wednesday purely to look after the child (not even discussed this with us).
Everything me and my partner buy she wants better because she can afford it.. for example we bought a car seat and it cost just over 100£ in the sale, so mum had to buy one for her car that's nearly 300£ so that baby is definately safe when he is with her.
I have tried to speak to her calmly about the situation because it actually really upsets me, (she turned her nose up because we bought baby clothes from asda rather than M and S) however it's still ongoing.
Me and my OH didn't plan the baby but hey ho whatever life throws at you, you face it head on and he's turned from someone that goes out partying nearly every weekend to someone who spends his days off building baby furniture and renovating our little house but even that's not good enough, she writes mean comments about him on socal media even though he does a hell of a lot for my parents (both have been sheilding).
I just don't know what else to do. Honestly it's driving me insane!
Any advice would be helpful and appreciated.

There comes a point where just because someone has a 'title', you have to assess whether their behaviour is actually beneficial to your life and this doesn't sound like it is.
You need to have a firm chat with her and let her know how you feel. Just because she's bought all those things, doesn't mean your baby will be there using them so that was her choice. Babies don't know what labels are, as long as they're happy and loved, they don't care where their clothes came from or how much their car seat cost.

If she doesn't listen to you and it still carries on, then you have your answer. As I say, being someone doesn't automatically entitle you to the baby.

It sounds as though you are sharing too much with her. Why does she know what car seat you have etc? I think you need to pull back and keep contact with her more casual. If you don't want her to provide childcare one day a week then tell her!

Thank you both of you for your replies! @Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear our relationship is very complicated 😂
Things like the car seat she would just constantly ask have you ordered it yet, and then if we said no she'd sit there and go on about how her and my dad would end up buying us one because we obviously couldn't afford it 🙄 so we did tell her we had ordered it, she then asked to see the confirmation... Which to be fair I did just show her because I know what's she's like and would have just kept going on and on about it.
I try and keep the relationship casual with her, I don't ring her really or text her, but then she will go to other family members upset because I'm not doing so... (they take mums side with things that happened and think that she has rectified her mistakes) 😐
We have told her numerous times she won't be having baby every week but she thinks because I have mental health issues that I will need her.
Hopefully we will be moving away from the area soon and then things might ease off bit. 👀

My mum is like this. She completely took over my sisters pregnancies to the point where she basically behaves like she is the parent. She has total control over my sisters life and her kids. All the milestone moments are under her terms (first day of school photos are taken at her house, she organises all birthday parties, insists on seeing them daily at her house, checks my sisters emails and Facebook account, decides who can be friends with the children based on if she likes the parents, tries to limit time the kids have with the paternal grandparents etc)

I’m pregnant with my first and I’m basically dealing with it by limiting the amount of information I give her. She asks me for details of my medical appointments and I firmly tell her that it’s my private Information and I won’t be sharing it with her - including due dates and dates of scans. When she pushes for information I have to make it clear that this is my pregnancy and my child. You’ve just got to be really firm with people like this.

This sounds tough! I'm recognising hints of my own Mum here, although thank goodness she responds well to direct instruction (i.e. CALM DOWN DEAR!).

My two thoughts:1) if you have mental health issues, you need to be AWAY from her, not having her 'involved' (but I think you know this well enough) and 2) Asda baby clothes are excellent quality and I love their designs.

Blimey op. She sounds like a nightmare. Can you tell your dad you've had enough? Would she listen to him?
She sounds a bit unhinged tbh. I know it's a bad time for dramas but I'd tell her you've had enough and then not see her for a while.
If you dont set some massive boundaries now then you're child is going to be exposed to some very toxic behaviour.
She sounds very manipulative and I dont actually think you can 'win' other than disengaging.
Congrats on your pregnancy btw.

She might be trying to repair your relationship by being as helpful as possible so do bear that in mind. By only buying things at HER house, she is expressing her excitement at having another baby in the family while trying not to force things on you. She may have not had any help with childcare herself and is taking time of work so you don't have to struggle like she did.

It's important to try and see things from her perspective as it probably comes from a good place BUT you're going to have to lay some ground rules fast because this is already making you uncomfortable.

This would probably drive me nuts to be honest. My parents would only do things like this after consulting me. She seems to be thinking of this baby as hers and you need to nip this in the bud.

If you don't want people visiting the first week let her know now. If you don't want her having the baby on Wednesdays for a few months or ever let her know now. She needs time to get her head around the fact that this is her grandchild and your rules apply or she will be very disappointed.

As for the mean comments about your partner that is totally unacceptable. Tell her that he has changed, is making a huge effort and you don't need that kind of negativity in your life. She has already said what she thinks, she shouldn't do so again if she wants a good relationship with the father of her grandchild.

You can say all this in a kind, compassionate way but you do need to speak up. If she doesn't listen then tell her she is upsetting you and damaging her future relationship with her grandchild in the process. Be firm.

*time off work (not of :p)

Sounds like a Granny Parasite. I think you need to keep gently but firmly correcting her assumptions and be prepared to ignore her if she sulks, tantrums or sends flying monkeys.

She might be trying to repair your relationship by being as helpful as possible so do bear that in mind. By only buying things at HER house, she is expressing her excitement at having another baby in the family while trying not to force things on you. She may have not had any help with childcare herself and is taking time of work so you don't have to struggle like she did.

Bollocks. Absolute bollocks. This is the sort of enabling shit I've had to listen to about my mother for years.

You don't have to see things from her point of view. You have to set solid boundaries for your own sake and that of your child. Low contact. Strict information diet. Bold statements that don't beat around the bush.

Good luck. I know from experience that it isn't easy.

@MittensTheSerpent not sure if you read the rest of my post but I don't think she should put up with it either.

Well, given that they are shielding and your dp is a nurse, at least you don’t have to worry about seeing them for months.

Boundaries. If she uses family members to get to you, be very firm with them - tell them you don’t want to hear what they have to say, and block them for a bit if they keep sending messages. If your mum keeps being mean to your dp, call her out on it, and remind her of it next time she asks for help. Probably best just to block her on social media.

And you have all the power right now. Your mum can’t keep “going on and on” about something if you don’t let her. Ask her to stop, and if she doesn’t, block whatever method she is using to communicate for a week.