Fears of having a disabled child

[RuRou23]

Hi everyone,

I wanted to have a child for a long time. Me and my husband started trying about 2 years ago. I went off my pill and realised i have PCOS. So our journey began. After over a year of on and off infertility treatment i finally got pregnant in November.
I am currently 28 weeks pregnant and everything going well physically. However, emotionally i find it really hard. I spent my whole pregnancy in a constant fear that something will be wrong with my child - autism, disability or anything else - and that I won’t be able to cope. While I don’t think that a disabled child can not be loved, i think i might not have the emotional strength to give a special child love and care they would need.
I constantly question everything i eat, do or feel, scared that i can do something to hurt the baby. It is exhausting and i feel it prevents me from bonding with the baby.
Did anyone have similar experiences in pregnancy? How did you cope?

Hey OP! I'm going through the same thing. I have my 20 week scan Friday and freaking out. It never even crossed my mind to think in this way until I had my screening test. Although I'm low risk I do have low pappa, so just because everything hasn't went perfectly by the book so far I started coming up with irrational fears. Now all I can think is awful things about my scan Friday even though I've had 5 previous scans and he's been doing well. So although I can't offer any advice on how to cope I can definitely sympathise with how you feel.

The odds are in your favour though that things will be totally fine with your little one. & I'm sure you'll handle anything thrown at you. Just remember it's soooo unlikely. We've got to try and stop worrying over things that haven't happened and that are out of control (I know it's easier said than done) xxx

Oh thank you so much @Danielle95lab. All the scans i've had so far were absolutely fine and i actually found them helpful. Seeing the baby, her face, hands, legs really was a great experience and helped me bond a little. So good luck with yours and I think you'll enjoy them!
But unfortunately did not eliminate worries about all the horrible things that can not be picked up by a scan.
The fact that i spend too much time on Google reading about every condition a child might have definitely doesn't help either I know i should stop doing that, but somehow i think it would make me feel better - it never does.

My children are disabled. With a condition I specifically thought I could never cope with.

You know what though? It’s fine. Because they’re my children. My babies. And I love them.

Chances are, your baby will be absolutely fine. And when you have that baby in your arms, you will realise how you would do anything for that child.

To be honest, it isn’t their disabilities which throw me. It’s catching poo in my hands to keep it off someone else’s carpet. It’s bring up all night with a baby cutting a new tooth. It’s all the “no child of mine will ever ...” statements made Before I had any which catch me out.

That fear you’re feeling? It’s love for your child already. It’s you wanting the very best of their future, wanting to be the very best you can be for them.

I won’t pretend it’s easy every day. Parenting isn’t. And special needs add in extra layers. But it isn’t doable and enjoyable because I’m extraordinary; that’s not how it works. It’s doable nd enjoyable because my children are amazing. And yours will be every bit as amazing. And you’ll do anything for them once they are here.

I have a similar fear, I guess it's quite normal. I just tell myself that there's no point worrying about things that haven't happened yet. In the unlikely event that it does happen, I think most people who find themselves in that position will adapt and cope with it. Everyone I know with a child who has special needs wouldn't change them for the world.

@RuRou23 I don't think the fear will ever go to be honest, but if you're anything like me I've jumped from one fear to the next. One second it's missed miscarriages, the next disabilities, the next still birth. It's a vicious circle. And when your child is here, they'll be another vicious circle of different kinds of worries😂

All you can do is pray for the best but to be honest if you've had good scans then everything will most likely be fine. I know scans don't pick up everything, but the good definitely out ways the bad. I wish I could take my own advice haha xxx

Yes I also worried about this - all was fine don't worry there is more chance the baby is fine than not

Thank you everyone for the comments. I know chances are everything will be fine and i'm sure even if not - i'll find ways to cope like i did with other things in life i thought i could never cope with.
@SilenceOfThePrams thanks for sharing your experience. You are clearly doing an amazing job raising your children and i admire your positive and loving attitude. And thank you for the reassurance - you made me feel a bit more at ease and believe in myself as a parent.

Hey OP, I have this fear too. I think about it all the time. I fainted at 13 weeks and whilst the scans look ok, measuring fine, screening v.low risk. I can't help but feel my faint may have "damaged" my baby. X

Hey, I feel exactly the same way. My husband was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder at 22, (7 years ago) we’d already been together for 2 years so I went through the whole diagnosis process with him, and ended up doing a lot of research on ASD. A lot of his family are also on the spectrum and research shows a very high genetic link, and I worry a lot that living in a house with two people on the spectrum will be too much for me. When we found out we were having a girl I was relieved as statistically that lowers the chances of ASD, and then I felt like an awful person. I know I would love them unconditionally regardless, but surely it’s normal to hope for a NT child?
Combining that with bleeding at 11 weeks and a low PAPP-A I’ve spend the past 20 weeks quietly freaking out. Scans relieve the anxiety for a couple of days and then it’s back to worrying again. Lock down doesn’t help with lots of extra time to think.

No words of wisdom for you I’m afraid. Just know that we are strong enough to cope and will love our babies unconditionally anyway.