Scared of commitment of becoming a mum

[maloney123]

Hello All!

Hope you’re all well. Sorry if this is the wrong place for this post, it is my first time posting in here. I hope I don’t upset anyone or cause any offence, but I was hoping for some advice. My partner and I have started talking about starting a family in the next year. I am excited and looking forward to it, but I’m also terrified. I’ve never been very maternal or keen to have a baby and I think it’s because I’m scared of the life long responsibility. I’ve always been a commitment-phobe and the idea of my life changing forever, with a lifetime responsibility to another person is so overwhelming and just freaks me out!! What if I’m rubbish or can’t cope or hate it? Is this weird? Should I take this as a sign I’m not meant to be a mum? Help please! Xxxx

Not everyone wants children, not everyone who has children enjoys having children.
Most people who have children by choice wouldn’t be without them and love them to bits.

You do need to be sure you really want this and don’t let yourself be pulled into it on the current of societal expectation and your bf’s feelings.

Is there a rush? Are you mid-thirties and worrying about fertility windows?
I have children and that choice was right for me, I have 2 close friends who didn’t want children (but are adoring aunts) and both are happy in their choices. We are all 49 so that window has closed.

Don’t panic and don’t think you are abnormal! It is a massive, life changing commitment and you don’t just get a baby, that’s over in a blink , tragedy excepted, you get every age including the long teenage years and beyond.

I think you need to be sure that it is 100% what you want. It is a really big commitment. I think it’s normal to be worried about becoming a parent as it’s a big thing.

Don’t worry , I felt the same way but knew deep down I wanted children anyway . I swear I was the least maternal person ever .

Anyway baby was born and oh my the love I felt was so intense . I was completely altered as a person. I’m now pregnant with baby number 2 and can’t cant !

One of my best friends also felt this way except , unlike me , she really had no desire for children . She has decided not to have children. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that either .

Hi OP! Honestly - this post could be me! I am so independent, have worked so hard in my career, not particularly maternal, find kids often annoying, love my freedom and friends and have travelled and worked all over. However, like you, I thought I wanted children at some point and although I could have lived happily doing my own thing for at least another 20 years 😂 I got to the ripe old age of 37 and my partner and I decided it was time. I am currently 11+4 weeks pregnant and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have the occasional wobble or worry. It's so life changing and so many people don't want children and that absolutely fine. I was borderline wanting/not wanting children and had MANY chats with my partner about it. We are, of course, really happy with our current situation and although it's daunting I think it's the right decision for us. I would say just make the right decision for you - it doesn't matter if you don't have children, life can be so much fun and your future can be so bright with lots of adventures ahead. Similarly - if you do decide to have children I've been told that your own child is a completely different story and you just love having them in your life and can't imagine life without them 😊. Do what's best for you! And don't rush!

Having a family is a wonderful next step. Whilst mine are older now they have always added hugely to our life. Whilst you will see posts on here that might frighten you about how difficult it is, a lot of mums and dads do have an easier time of it and we had a great time

What I would suggest though is examine whether you should ck wider getting married before you take that commitment as otherwise you will have absolutely zilch financial security should the worst happen. The legal situation is that common law wife is a figment of the imagination.

Sorry to be cold and practical...but just read the posts on here of mums left high and dry (and broke)

Oh God yes! Thank you for saying this. Getting married for me was the most unromantic thing we did but so important.

Sorry my comment was for the last poster.

We have kids! Twins! And I felt like this. It's amazing. Not easy sometimes but sometimes it is easier than what they say.

Get married first.

Not having children should be considered as an equal choice to procreating. Having children seems to be a default expectation. Of course you'd love your dc. Biological imperative kicks in in 99% of cases but it is expensive, draining, difficult, frustrating and a lifelong tie. It's okay to say it's not for you.

I have this, but it's not a worry about commitment to a future child, it's a worry about commitment and being 'linked' with another person, a partner. Do you imagine yourself being with your partner in the future?
With my previous partner I could imagine having a family with him, but I also imagined that I wouldn't be happy. Not because of the children, but because of him.

Thanks everyone so much :) we are already married thank you (I am a lawyer so future proofing is my hobby!) I feel calmer having read everyone’s feedback. Love that this resource is available for these types of worries that I just don’t feel I could speak aloud - I feel like people would be horrified. I adore my DH and couldn’t be without him. Most of the pressure is coming from in-laws and from a lot of DH’s cousins all having babies now. I think I’m also just bad at making a decision and overthink, and this is obviously one of the biggest decisions you can make! Xxx

Since having a child I have absolutely zero regrets or reservations, but I am even more pro-choice than I was before! Nobody, but nobody should have a child they don't desperately want. You may well find yourself in this position in time (or pick apart your feelings and decide that that's where you are) but you may not. Either way, hurray for you! Pressure from anywhere outside your own body cannot be a factor in this decision.

What I will say is don't worry about not coping. Somehow, the vast majority of mothers just cope. It's crazy. We look for help, we moan, we cry... but we cope.

I don't think anyone can be ready for a child per say. It is amazing and the love you feel is just unlike anything else. It does impact on your freedom though. And sometimes it can seem too much. I 100% wouldn't change it but sometimes I need more help. It's difficult because no one sees that it's work. The work is invisible.

Totally normal imo

I knew I wanted a child, but wasn’t keen on becoming a “Mum”. Now I’m pregnant, I feel like I’ll be a lovely “Mum” but the whole identity around that is something that every mother lives through, apart from the raising the baby itself.

I had exactly the same fears. Exactly. Even down to maybe I shouldn’t become a mum as it’s some sort of sign.
I love being a mum, and all my worries and fears disappeared once she arrived. It can be hard work but the level of joy she brings to my life, I couldn’t get elsewhere. Excited to do it all again later this year.

This is very much how I feel and I'm not sure whether it'll change as I get older (I'm 30) or not.

I always assumed having a child was in my life plan, without ever having looked too closely at it. And now I am, I'm not sure I'd be a good mother at all.

I don't like anything about the idea of having children (the commitment, the fact it seems to take over your whole life, the loss of freedom to sleep an entire Saturday or book a last minute holiday to Berlin for tomorrow or move house/city at the drop of a hat - all things I do/have done/enjoy the ability to do!). I don't like the thought of having to clean up shit or wake up tons in the night. I'd be bored shitless when they get to the stage where they just talk nonsense about Fortnight or making up dances or whatever constantly. I can't imagine anything I want to do less than play make believe. Basically all of it, from a fundamental level down to the tiny mundane details is my worst nightmare. (Except the stage where they're about 3 and they say funny stuff!). I spend a lot of time around children, I don't hate them, but the thought of having one permanently under my responsibility sounds awful.

But I really thought I wanted children, our lives are planned around one day having them, and now it seems I would be short sighted and selfish to have a kid when I clearly would be a disinterested or lacking mother at best, and actively terrible at worst.

Hi Yelyah
This is similar to how I feel although your feelings seem stronger I think. As everyone has said, it’s totally fine to realise that you don’t want to have them if that’s just not for you. I know people who have chosen not to have them and have a great life.

My confusion is more around knowing I do want them but feeling so scared about hating the reality! My mum died when I was quite young as well and I think that’s probably having an impact on me.

Thank you again everyone I appreciate your feedback sooo much x