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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Mothers - who’s is more important?

25 replies

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:00

Is the first time mothers “right” or “need” to see their mother/have them around post birth more important than the fathers?

No MN rage please, I’m not saying I believe this is true, This is just the conversation me and my husband have been having and I’m curious of your thoughts?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Clemmie83 · 30/05/2020 12:05

I think it all depends on who you're closest to and have the stronger relationship with...

Delbelleber · 30/05/2020 12:06

I'd say so. Makes sense seen as you are the one who has just given birth.

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 12:08

My god this is unanswerable so

Relationships vary.

hopeforlucky3 · 30/05/2020 12:08

I would say so, but it depends on personal choice. Both my mum and partner were at my sons birth, I couldn't not have had her there. Mind you I did tell her to "stop taking"! Quite sternly during my contractions as I felt her voice was making them more intense

Original poster

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:23

I'm trying to figure out what to advise my friend!

She is due around the same time as me and is asking her husbands family who live 3 hours away to not visit for about a month until they get a routine settled with the baby and also see what the COVID situation is.

Her mum however lives 15 mins down the road and will get to meet the baby post birth but still not touching/holding him/socially distancing

OP posts:

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 12:29

I'm trying to figure out what to advise my friend!

Why? It's up to her what she does and who she sees, at any point in her life, she doesn't need advise for that.

Original poster

MrsRose2018 · 30/05/2020 12:39

@curtainsforme

I'm going to dignify your snarky comments with one more response - I don't know what kind of friend you are but in my 20 year relationship with my best friend we have always shared advice and support so yeh I'm gonna keep trying to figure out what to advise her when I'm not

OP posts:

curtainsforme · 30/05/2020 12:44

At the very least could you get MNHQ to sort the 2 threads out. You don't need to duplicate it all.

GreyishDays · 30/05/2020 12:47

We were in a similar situation with distance. We told in laws they were welcome to come as soon as they wanted, but that we’d only be up for an afternoon visit to begin with. So it was their choice. They did come up, after a few days IIRC and went and did some touristy things after they’d seen us, stayed the night in a hotel and then drove home.

jellybe · 30/05/2020 12:50

I think it very much depends on family relationships. Also, with COVID her in-laws won't be able to come and stay were as her mum can come and sit in the garden and see the baby.

I'd advise her to let her current relationship with in-laws guide her I.e if they aren't normally dicks then they should understand and if they are dicks then she shouldn't care what they think. Could she possibly have them come and stay for a week once covid is more settled so they get a good chunk of baby time?

New2020 · 30/05/2020 14:49

Yes!! For my own situation my mum would be able to help so much more having experience of her own kids and 4 grandchildren. I can trust her to look after the baby AND ME. Whereas MIL has no grandkids I don't know how she would be and I'd feel like I'd have to treat her as a guest and do things for her rather than the other way around.

My husband suggested having her over to help but I don't know what she would realistically help with and I wouldn't feel comfortable

New2020 · 30/05/2020 14:52

Also he wanted her to stay here with us. But having a newborn..pain from birth and bleeding and trying to breastfeed I honestly do not want anyone else in the house as it seems hard enough. He has said he wouldn't want her to stay in a hotel...so then shed have to wait until we are settled.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 30/05/2020 14:56

I’m personally a lot more comfortable around my parents than I am around my PIL. However, it’s their grandchild equally. I have told DH that we will have to say they can only come if they’ve been very careful with social distancing. DD2 is due in September so I’m keeping my hopes up that CV will start to be a thing of the past by then.

Girlmum91 · 30/05/2020 16:45

I think having your own Mum around (if you have a good relationship) is absolutely priceless. She's there for YOU and the baby because you're not in good form after the birth. The Dad's Mum is just there for the baby.

Would be harsh to not let the MIL see the baby even for a short while though if the other grandma is allowed to. Doesn't seem fair.

BabyG123 · 30/05/2020 18:40

If she's willing to drive 3 hours to have a socially distanced hello and if you say a hour max as you'll be tired I'd say why not?

New2020 · 30/05/2020 19:09

Agree...I've said she could visit after the first few weeks..but not stay with us. Unfortunately I think MIL is expecting to stay with us straight away :(

Goldenmother · 31/05/2020 07:21

I think asking new grandparents to wait a month to see the baby is a bit long, if they live over 3 hours away surely it would make sense for them to visit within week or so of baby being born I'm sure there just as excited as the new parents and if they are ask to keep social distance they would respect that, and as they live 3 hours away I doubt they would be coming over all the time.

Pebblexox · 31/05/2020 08:07

If both mum and dad are close enough to parents to want them to see baby, then neither grandparents have more or less right to see the child.

OutComeTheWolves · 31/05/2020 08:42

In my opinion it's important to try to be fair for the sake of future relationships.

BUT for some people birth can be a bit traumatic and afterwards you're very shaky mentally so there is a physical and an emotional aspect to your recovery that father's don't have to deal with. So having a good support network around Mum is more important than stressing about which grandma sees baby first/most etc. A supportive husband/partner should recognise this and take care not to put too much pressure on re seeing other family members.

In my case the person I wanted around me was my mum. I was feeling a bit unsure and for me it's natural to want my mum when I'm feeling off. Obviously for other people, the person they want around them for support may not be their mum at all! It completely depends on personalities and relationships!

OccasionalNachos · 31/05/2020 08:49

Women are more likely to discuss pregnancy and birth issues with their own mothers (in general, if the relationship is good etc) and this should be encouraged as it can be relevant to the care and monitoring needed (eg, risk of pre-eclampsia increases if your mum had it). I chatted to my MIL occasionally about her pregnancies and births, but nowhere near as often as I did with my mum because we are much closer.

Support after the birth naturally fell to my mum as my MIL has a disability and wouldn’t have been able to help with housework and cooking like my mum did. However, in general it should depend on how helpful the grandparents can be for the new parents. The mother needs to physically recover from birth, and whoever can help her to do that should do so.

Superscientist · 31/05/2020 10:40

It really does come down to the individual situation. I'm going to go against the trend. I'm more comfortable with my partners parents visiting than my own. I know they will be more helpful and less intrusive. They have also been better at making sensible decisions about covid19 than my parents.

heroineinahalfshell · 31/05/2020 12:38

My mum lives overseas so it's a moot point (she was going to fly over and stay within the first month but that's very unlikely to happen now). Even if she lived here though I wouldn't want her at the birth. I've asked my dad to wait 3-4 weeks before visiting (if he can visit by then with Covid) as he's a 4 hour drive away and I don't think I'll be up for hosting an overnight visit til at least then, and he's 80 so IMO it's not fair to ask him to stay in a hotel or turn around and drive straight back.

I will however be quite happy for ILs to pop over from the beginning (socially distant if still needed), as I know MIL is v excited (and has missed out on seeing us during the pregnancy), and they're only 1.5 hours away so can stay for a few hours then head home. She's even offered to come do our shopping for us if needed so I'm confident she'll be a helpful presence rather than intrusive. SIL also lives overseas and was talking about flying over after the birth (again, now unlikely) and I told my DH I'd want her to wait a month also (unless she was happy to stay with their parents), again bc I don't think i'll be able to cope with hosting. He was a bit put out with that as I was initially happy for my mum to come over right after the birth, but I think mum's and siblings are very different!

AlexandraGeorgescu · 31/05/2020 13:31

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Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

stairgates · 31/05/2020 15:44

I would advise that she offers same privileges for both sides, so if she wants visitors soon after birth with distancing and time limited visits then it should be available to both :)

PoodlesAreMySpiritAnimal · 31/05/2020 19:22

Watching this thread with interest as I’m totally in this situation!!
My mum lives three mins down the road (this hasn’t always been the case!!) - she and I get on really well and she also has a good relationship with my hubby so the dynamic between the three of us and how they are supporting me through pregnancy is great. Hubby definitely has the major role but he massively appreciates the support I get from my mum and she likes to help us/be needed.
MIL on the other hand lives three hours away, doesn’t like driving long journeys (so we usually have to do the driving to visit her) and doesn’t really have much in common with hubby. I also find that I really have to make an effort to find common ground to talk about when we are with her. So if she’s ever been to visit us, it’s hard going and she does sit around and we do all the meals, drink making etc. I’m absolutely aware of the importance of making the effort with this relationship and not leaving MIL out as she is lovely and it’s just personality differences at the end of the day, but I’d be lying if I said I see her as being anything other than a lead weight if she came to see us in the early days when baby arrives (I’m due at the end of July). I know she will be expecting to stay with us and would be more of a guest than a helping hand. She would be coming for herself to see the baby really. So the prospect of having her to stay in the first month is really stressing me out.
Meanwhile I feel really unfair to hubby as in all likelihood I’ll really want to have my own mum over early days as we’re so close and she’d be massively helpful to me in providing mental and physical support - she’ll see what needs to be done and do it rather than wait to be made a cuppa etc. She also is a qualified childcarer so she’s better with kids than me! Because she’s down the road she’d just be popping in and out rather than staying with us. It’s such a tricky situation/the politics are a conundrum.

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