I feel a bit conflicted about sister in law and pregnancy

[Kelcat9494]

In January 2020 we found out we were pregnant and told close family member's, SIL said straight away she doesn't want kids at her wedding in September 2020 which caused a bit of tension as she sort of turned our announcement about her so I said that's fine as September was our due date I probably wouldn't come to the wedding heavily pregnant but my husband would with it being his brother, we then had a miscarriage so "problem solved" and the wedding would be fine.

We've recently again found out we're pregnant, we're further along this time and I'm having all the symptoms to say this may be a viable pregnancy (I hope so anyway), SIL has now decided not to speak to me for a few weeks/months as she can't biologically have children and it's not fair I'm pregnant and she needs to work on her feelings.

I'm just conflicted part of me gets it as like it obviously is awful she biologically can't have children and it must be hard and then another part of me thinks she's being a bit insensitive as we lost our pregnancy in January and she's again making it all about her (she has a real talent of doing that) - I don't know I'm probably being a bitch but I can't help but feel a bit annoyed and I feel terrible about getting excited

She sounds like a pill (her response to your first pregnancy announcement was just straight up rude).

That said, lots of people do find it very hard to be around a pregnant woman when they are going through infertility struggles themselves, and she may genuinely just find it too hard at the moment.

I would try and separate our this particular issue from her usual ‘me me me’ behaviour and accept that on this occasion she does need time to grieve for what she can’t have without being in close proximity to someone who does have it.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope you stay safe and well and enjoy your bab when they arrive.

It's better she takes time out than inflict her feelings on you. If anything, could you think that she is trying to be sensitive and to prevent herself from being nasty as I assume she made the 'problem solved' comment? Either way, it will be better for you as it sounds like she would stress you out.

Difficult. I would disengage. She is clearly finding it tough and probably needs some space.

Incidentally, "we're pregnant" is annoying. Take the full credit yourself! It's you who is carrying the baby, after all.

Of course you should be sensitive, it must be difficult for her. It's hard to know without understanding exactly how your announcements came across and how exactly she dealt with it.

I would honestly just take the high road and ignore.

In an ideal world she wouldn't feel the need to make things about her, or make a big fuss of not wanting to see you. However, people aren't ideal. If you can, try and just privately eye roll and crack on as you are. Congrats and best of luck btw.

It sounds like you don’t really like her (which is understandable, she sounds a bit of a trial!). That is probably colouring your response - as someone with fertility issues (albeit now pg for the 1st time, eeek) dealing with friends and family who can get pg is so so hard. And as family she won’t be able to avoid you forever. I’d just give her as much time and space as she needs, and try to be a bit empathetic/separate your dislike for her from the fact her situation is genuinely heartbreaking.

You carry on as normal, share your news with the people who can celebrate with you happily. Don’t include her, she has asked you not to, but otherwise discuss it as you wish.

For instance on social media she can mute you/unfollow, you don’t have to tailor what you say around her.

Disengage with her. Polite distance is the way to go.

I find 'we're pregnant' at bit annoying as well. Sorry OP.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I don't see why you should be particularly "sensitive " to her when she clearly wasn't to you when you lost a pregnancy. I would ignore her tbh. Congratulations, hope everything works out.

I was in your position last year. SIL (DH's sister) can't have children and so desperately wants them. When we told family, I asked DH to speak to his sister face to face to tell her that I was pregnant. I knew she'd be emotional and I (selfishly) didn't want to see that my happiness caused her sadness. She then text me the next morning to say she hadn't slept as she cried all night, but that she is ok.

She spent the full duration of my pregnancy not acknowledging it, never asking how I was or how baby was doing after a scan.
She refused to come to my baby shower as she said she "didn't believe in celebrating until the baby was actually here" (she had attended our other SIL's 3 years previously)

It made me sad that she couldn't be happy for us, but I didn't engage.

Once DD arrived, she wanted to play "super auntie" posting on social media about her arrival, not wanting to give her back to me when she was hungry (I was breastfeeding and not expressing), refusing to put her down when she was sleeping at lunchtime until DH took the baby from her, saying how she wanted to visit regularly so DD would "know her voice"

It was one extreme to the other!

I would suggest you just have to leave her be with her own thoughts, but it will be very sad if she cannot accept that her husband has a baby in his immediate family. Do you think she would prevent him seeing the baby? Or refuse to be around the baby herself?

She has decided to exit the relationship. That's her right.
There is no obligation for you to ever renter the relationship if you don't want to.
You're not a light. She can't just flick you on and off.

I find 'we're pregnant' at bit annoying as well.

Probably best if you don’t use it then. OP wants to use it, surely that’s her choice?

I find some of the replies on here a bit harsh towards your sil! Perhaps if you haven’t ever had to deal with infertility yourself it’s hard to empathise, but for some women having to deal with other peoples babies is just constantly reopening the most painful wound. She may get over it - in which case, I would be the bigger person and let her do so! - she may not, which is sad for your bil and for her, but understandable and you can just avoid each other. Either way, I would really try and be kind - you’re the one getting a lovely baby at the end of the day, and while you may wish she’d reacted better I think her upset is understandable in the circumstances.

Probably best if you don’t use it then. OP wants to use it, surely that’s her choice?
*
Point taken. Sorry OP*

Hi Op. I agree with @Carabu1 as someone who has suffered infertility it’s so so tricky and you wish you could be happy for others but you are grieving something that you want most in the world. I agree with you that she sounded a bit strange about all the wedding business and perhaps didn’t handle it the best way but I guess she has a lot going on in her head and if she knows she can’t have children -I guess having them at the wedding would have been tricky for her.

Infertility is truly devastating and I do understand where she is coming from. In saying that, I hope you can get your relationship back on track and that in time her Feelings about seeing you and the baby etc change. Hopefully in time it will. All the best and congrats on your pregnancy.

I'm just conflicted part of me gets it as like it obviously is awful she biologically can't have children and it must be hard

You don’t get it. You don’t at all. It’s fine that you don’t like her, which is how this comes across, and it’s also fine for you to be excited about your pregnancy.

As soon as I read the first bit of your sister in laws reaction to your first pregnancy I instantly thought maybe she is infertile or trying and not being able to concieve at the time.

Not exusing her rudeness one bit, but coming from someone who has been through it and years of infertility, it is fucking painful down right heartbreaking when you are ttc and can not. My sister in law got pregnant while me and my husband were having tests and announced the week we were told we’d need ivf, At a family bbq, in front of everyone and it was really hard for me to not fall apart, but only for myself I was happy for her just really sad for myself and I think it made me realise how easy it was for some and not me.

I’m thankfully pregnant after ivf but I’ll never forget the sadness of all those years and each announcement feeling like a kick in the teeth.

Saying that you should just focus on your pregnancy and happiness right now and as nice as you can let her know your understanding and will give her space. I wish I would of had that kind of support but my in laws didn’t give a shit and would throw it in my face whenever they could. You seem a genuinely nice person. Don’t let her take the happiness from your pregnancy but also give her a little space x

And yeah completely agree with @SunbathingDragon. You don’t get it, until you have been through it you never will. It’s not just awful, it’s utterly all encompassing pain.

I think in the first part about when you announced your first pregnancy your SIL was a little rude and probably could have had a chat with you a little further down the line about what your plans were for the wedding. I am truly sorry you had a miscarriage, and this one wasn't meant to be.

Her reaction to your second pregnancy probably explains why she reacted badly / said what she did, when she did the first time. And I think it is brave that she has asked for time out from hearing pregnancy related chat this time. Infertility is unforgiving, when a child is something you desire and seeing / hearing pregnancy announcementscan be really hard even if you know someone's TTC history. Her reaction is by no means a reflection of how she feels about you or your pregnancy but will be more to do with how she feels seeing someone within the family having what she can't. Hopefully once she has dealt with these feelings she'll let you know so she can be a part of her niece or nephew's life once they are born.

I'm wishing you all the best and for a happy ending in this pregnancy.

It is sad but you have also experienced loss and sadness and she showed you no sympathy whatsoever. Your pregnancy is special to you and her infertility doesn’t detract from that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy... I caught quickly after I miscarried and went on to have a great pregnancy and birth...hope you are the same

If it wasn't for her infertility I'd think she was worried you would be taking some of limelight off her wedding day and general hard work.
However not being able to have a child when desperately want one... Well it seems to mess with your head...
She won't see it that you've lost one and pregnant again... She's will see it that you've been pregnant twice, easily in quick succession.... And in her head it's just not fair.
She knows she should be happy for you and congratulate you but she can't because it sticks in her throat because it brings her grief to front and she is jealous... Because that's all she wants...

I also think it's good how she has asked for time out. Personally I would respect that and try and keep in touch with none pregnancy related topics..

I would probably give her space and try to assume the best. She is obviously struggling, maybe not handling it well. Congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm not sure what other options you have anyway, even if she's lashing out and being intentionally mean it would still be a waste of energy to be dragged down pick a fight over it. Better to lead by example.

Hi, congratulations and it is a tricky situation. I think you have to try and not take it personally.

As someone who really struggled with infertility, I think it is hard to empathise “unless you’ve been there”.... in the same way that I found it hard to empathise with a friend who had a miscarriage after one month of trying - at the time, I was devastated for us that “we couldn’t even get that far”.

I have never begrudged anyone else having a baby, but each announcement does rub a bit more salt into the wound. I have cried for days after announcements - not because I’m not pleased for them, but because I’m sad for me/us.

I doubt it is that she doesn’t care to ask how you are etc - it’s just her self protection

Just to make a point from another perspective, you feel she's being insensitive to your loss but you need to remember in her mind she's going through that loss every single day/month and to her you've only had that loss once and now you're getting the pregnancy/baby she desperately wants.

I miscarried and there was a girl I barely knew pregnant at the time and I HATED her throughout her pregnancy because she had what I really wanted. I have since had a baby and pregnant with my second but my heart absolutely breaks to think of people who are suffering through infertility. Those few months post miscarriage were horrendous and it's all I could think of so I can't even imagine how hard it must be for people who struggle for years.

I think that though you've been through the Mills, you're being a tad unreasonable and insensitive.

Her wedding was her big day quite literally, so you made first announcement and all she can hear is baby at her wedding.

Add to this she believes she's infertile, so has to smile politely with your announcement and continue.
Then, as harsh it is, she possibly felt an element of relief that there won't be a newborn imminently, that she cannot in effect avoid.
Now, she's managing the emotions again for the second time this year. That doesn't belittle your suffering, but when you're in the agony of infertility, survival is all you have.
I'd say that the best thing for you both is space, which should be easy atm. But longer term, from experience when my sil was pregnant, the distance thing needs reparation ASAP as otherwise it will get harder for her.

Thank you for everyone's opinion. It's not that I don't like my SIL she just has a tendency to make everything about her, she comes from a wealthy family where daddy pays for everything and she doesn't work etc so everything is usually about her which I think Is where my reaction came from.

Also I didn't announce my pregnancy in January to overshadow her wedding, we told close family. I would never want to take someone's day away from them.

I know it's heartbreaking not being able to have children, I'm pregnant now but there's no guarantee I'll stay that way, I may also have issues we don't know, it's still terrifying and for
me the not knowing makes it worse, I don't know if it's viable yet.

I'm going to give her the space she's asked for, I appreciate her honesty and I would never want to upset anyone.

Thanks again everyone :)