Termination or not?

[Violetlilac]

I hope this is ok to post here. I really don't know what to do. I'm 6 weeks pregnant. I'm 31. When I found out I was happy. I've always wanted to be a mum and to have kids. I've had two traumatic terminations. Both were the right decisions but really affected me. My (ex)partner is useless. He's so unreliable and it makes me really anxious. He had two kids when he was younger that he doesn't see and it's messed him up. I thought he'd be better at 30 but he's basically just freaked out and shown me he's not to be depended on. I feel so abandoned and betrayed and angry. On paper it makes sense to have a termination and to make a clean break from him. I always wanted to get married and have kids. I'm scared I can't go through with a termination or I would regret it and I wouldn't get to have kids. But then maybe I could try by myself in a few years when the timing was better if I didn't meet someone. It's so hard seeing married people. I just don't know what to do. I haven't stopped crying for two days.

Didn't want to read and run, I can't really offer any advice I'm afraid. I had a termination at 19 and it took to having my son nearly 18 months ago to 'get past' the guilt of having it. It ate me up all the time but since having my son I've realised that it was 1000% the right thing to do. I'm now 10 weeks pregnant with baby#2 and it has crossed my mind due to work opportunities that I'd love but I know for me I'll not have a second go at a second babu because my partner have just turned 40 and to say this one was planned would be a fib but a 'happy surprise'.
What I'm saying I guess is if it's not right for you to continue with the pregnancy you have to do what is best for you. But I think you'd benefit from some form of support due to you already struggling with previous terminations. I am unsure how many you can have without potentially affecting fertility if it does at all I am unsure! x sending hugs x

Well my initial thought if I’m honest is 3 abortions seems a lot. Obviously I don’t know the circumstances so I’ll refrain from saying anything else.

I’m absolutely for a woman’s choice every time, however it’s obviously not a nice situation to go through- emotionally or physically. You going to need to look at your contraception methods because they don’t appear to be working as they should....

It’s obviously a very difficult decision that only you can make.

Have you got the finances and security? What about your living arrangements? Do you have family support?

All those things will impact how difficult it may be.

Just because it might logically make sense to have a termination, doesnt mean that's what you need to do. Lots of people are single mums. If you think you'd regret it then maybe think about how you would manage practically if you did keep it? Most importantly dont rush into anything. I rushed into a termination because I was so scared and I regret not taking more time to think about my options.

@starcup that really isn't a very supportive or helpful thing to say.

To clarify. The first abortion was a medical abortion when I was 17 and a condom broke. The second was a later abortion when I was 21 in an abusive relationship and was pregnant and ultimately aborted because of the abuse. I've dealt with 10 years of PTSD as a result of that relationship and all I went through.

I didn't expect to be in this situation again. I always said I would never have another abortion. My partner has shown himself to be utterly useless, I am on a temporary contract that I'm worried about not being renewed if I were to go ahead, I'm worried about my mental health in both aborting and not. This isn't a light decision hence my torment currently but thanks for your judgement. That makes it feel so much better.

@UrsulaSings thank you. this is what I'm struggling with so much. on paper its the best decision but I can't stop crying. I don't want to make a decision I regret but I also don't want to leave it too late :(

@emma911030 thanks. Yeah it was really traumatic for me both times and I've done a lot of work on my mental health to get to a much better place. I'm terrified an abortion would set me back. I'm also scared it would be a mistake to continue with the pregnancy. I just don't know what to do. The two other times were 100 percent the right decision but I still found it so hard. Right now the main reasons for terminating are lack of a supportive partner and worries about financial security should my job not be renewed.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You really don’t deserve this and life is really hard sometimes.
I had two terminations in the past due to failed contraception. My second was with my ex-husband when I was 33. We found out I was pregnant and he dumped me/ran off with someone else, put the house on the market and filed for divorce. It was really traumatic. At the time, people around me were telling me I could manage alone with a baby but it wasn’t about that for me - I didn’t want to bring a child into the world that wasn’t wanted by both parties and the mental abuse I had suffered at the hands of my ex was awful. I didn’t want to put a child through that. So I terminated. It was very sad but I knew I was doing it for the right reasons for baby and I. I was protecting my child and giving myself a clean break from this man. I was also aware at the time that it could be my only shot at being a mother because I was dumped at 33 after a 7 year marriage. They were very sad times.
The only advice I can offer of what I learned is that there are no wrong decisions if made for the right reasons. No-one can tell you what’s best to do - it takes soul searching and sacrifice/sticking to what you know to be right even when it’s hard, to build a happy life I think. I had to let go of my past, let go of any resentment and build a new life for myself.
I’m now 40 and 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I’m now married to the love of my life, having stuck out being single until I met someone really worth risking my heart over.
You are in a very sad situation and need to think long and hard about what is best/what will make you happy and how best to work towards the life you want for yourself. Choose carefully - the decisions you make will shape your future so I think it’s good to be guided by head as well as heart. I really wish you all the best with everything

I was offering advice. Judging you would be someone saying that’s terrible bla bla bla. Some people don’t believe it should be legal and I’m not one of them!!

I’m not judging you morally, it’s you’re life and your body, but it’s obviously been a difficult time and will continue to be. It’s you that it will affect not me.

I do feel sorry for you. It must be absolutely awful.

If you questioning it then I would say don,t. If you can,t be a mum with him be a mum on your own.

I think if you are questioning yourself this much then you need to go ahead with the pregnancy. What if you get a few years down the line and can't fall pregnant anymore, you will just punish yourself forever over those 3 terminations.

Btw I would also say as op and if you’re questioning it then don’t. People cope and you’ll probably be fine. You’ll probably still go on to meet someone later on and you may go on to have more.

Do you think you can parent alone?
Truth is imho I don't think anyone needs a 'man'. Woman are independent and strong.
It doesn't sound like you're sure. Give yourself time and remember it's your body, your choice.

Such a hard decision OP, I really feel for you. I had a termination aged 16 and ever since then I was paranoid about getting pregnant. Was on the pill for years and wanted everything to be right for when I did become pregnant- I felt I owed it to the baby I could have had at 16. As life turned out, it never was the right time or the right partner. I ended up thinking ok, I’m just going to be someone who is child free. Then I met someone at the age of 39 and we weren’t as careful as we should have been - I ended up having a baby at the age of 40, totally unplanned. I cried my eyes out when I found out I was pregnant but she was the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I always said I would never have another termination, but do you know what, you never know
how you are going to feel about something. I got pregnant again and ended up having a termination for medical reasons; something I never thought I would do. I will always feel guilty for that- it was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. However, I know in my heart it was right for my unborn baby and my family - I don’t regret my decision to terminate although it was heartbreaking.
The only person who knows what’s right for you is you, but give yourself time to reach that point. Sending you a big hug x

2 days crying feels like a lifetime making this horrible and hard decision but just know you do have some time. Don’t rush a decision you could forever regret, only you know what’s best for you & baby. Trust your gut, heart & head, it’s gotten you this far. ❤️
I completely sympathise & wish we as woman spoke out more about our previous termination problems. I’ve also had 2 at similar ages to yourself & after the first I still stand by it being the absolute right decision for everyone involved as I didn’t want to bring a child into the world knowing it’s parents were not going to be a unit, a structure of safety however second time I rushed the decision having done it before and knowing I was ok afterwards and it still to this day haunts me.
I too came to this website for help and at the time people were lovely however looking back I feel I always knew it wasn’t the right choice as I was so sure first time around I never told a soul, never asked anyone’s opinion or for support and second time round I was a mess, didn’t know what to do & truly that says enough.
Whatever decision you make, as long as it’s right for you, I wish you all the best in life, love & happiness.