So this is a difficult one. I had my first child aged 20 and now at 28 I found out 2days ago that I am pregnant again.
I love my OH so that's not the problem and I know he would make a wonderful father as he does to my first born however I'm just not feeling it.
We had talked about this for a while and I have been off of contraception for nearly 9 months but around 2 weeks ago I said to him that I thought it would be best that we wait as I just don't feel ready yet and I had rung my doctors and arranged to restart on the pill.
Typically the BFP came 🤦‍♀️.
I've just got to a point in my life where I feel like I'm on track after having a child young, going to uni, getting a degree and a career, tediously saving up and my own dream house and progression within my job to the next level and a decent pay rise.
I work in a v high risk CV area where I come into contact with CV patients and suspected patients on a daily basis. Work have issued guidelines meaning that if I disclose to them my pregnancy I will be moved from that area to a "safer" one because of obviously now being part of a supposed vulnerable group despite already having had CV myself.
I just don't feel ready to take my foot off of the work pedal just yet, we have got a fair bit of renovating to do including making the open plan diner/living/kitchen space and I worry about maternity pay impacting on our progression as all the money we have saved at the minute is intended for that purpose and I actually love going to work and being with my work family (most of the time). I'm scared of going off on mat leave and being lonely. I had horrendous hyperemesis last time which left me rendered to my bed for weeks followed by crippling post natal depression.
We've told 2 people who have said congratulations but I just don't feel like this is a congrats situation and I dread if I carry on with this the further congrats that are going to be said and having to grimace through them.
I'm sure at some point in the future I'll probably be ready so why not just run with it now but I know I wanted the next time I went through this to be a happy exciting time but I just feel like I did when I was 20.
Everything and everyone I've seen looks happy about these situations or what I've perceived? But I just feel guilty that I'm not and seriously considering terminating. I just need someone to tell me that I'm not the only one and some perspective into how to see other possibilities than the doom and gloom that I'm seeing.