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Third trimester and step child contact

8 replies

Lauren15691 · 21/05/2020 18:02

Hi

I'm 28 weeks pregnant, havent been out the house at all in 9 weeks due to being placed in the high risk category. I am working from home until my mat leave. My partner has a daughter who lives with her mum and step dad and siblings, one parent is a key worker in a public facing role. My step daughter usually stays a couple of times a week but for the last 9 weeks she hasnt been for obvious reasons, this was advice from the midwife. I'm feeling incredibly guilty and although my partner has been seeing her from the bottom of her garden, it's awful that she cant come and stay.

My issue is that as lockdown is being lifted bit by bit, they havent really issued any further guidance about pregnant people and whether the lifting of restrictions also applies to us. I am so anxious about putting my baby at risk that I am quite clear in my head that this is a sacrifice that needs to be made to make sure no harm comes to the baby. We ttc for 3 years and cant bare the thought of passing on a virus and harming her in any way.

I suppose this is just to ask for general views in the absence of proper government guidance. My midwife and consultant have both said not to risk it at present but at what point would you feel comfortable allowing her to come to the house?

TIA x

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RBF92 · 21/05/2020 19:23

OP I'm in almost exactly the same situation! I am only in my first trimester though and was already considered extremely vulnerable due to health conditions and advised to shield before I found out I was pregnant. I also have a stepdaughter and she is also considered vulnerable due to health conditions so she has not been to our house around the same amount of time as yours and my husband has also only seen her from the garden. I also feel extremely guilty like it's my fault that he has to miss out on time with his daughter for having health problems. Deep down I know it's not my fault and the health of our unborn child is just as important to him as his daughters and mine but I am also worried about when things lift that I will feel pressure for her to start staying at the house even if I don't feel safe yet and will feel like the bad guy if I say no. Especially as the relationship with my step daughters mother is strained at best... I know it's not particularly helpful but I just want you to know that you're not the only one feeling this way. I think I'm just going to wait until there's something clear and solid from the government or my doctor saying it will be fine.

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RBF92 · 21/05/2020 19:25

Also we were trying to conceive for a long time and cant bear the thought of passing anything on!

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Lauren15691 · 21/05/2020 19:42

Thanks so much for your reply! You actually dont know how comforting it is to hear someone in the same situation as I'm feeling utterly crappy, hormonal and alone! I feel absolutely terrible and I really dont know what to do for the best. It's like, do we let her come and stay and potentially give me a virus that could harm my unborn child, or do we go months without having her stay? And so far the latter seems the most favourable option given that there are still so many deaths. I dont have underlying health conditions but I am a high risk pregnancy for pre term labour having already lost a baby due to cervical incompetence in the past. Covid has links to prem labour although I dont think they're entirely certain about the facts yet. My partner is still seeing her regularly in her garden and we facetime her all the time so it's not as if she doesnt see us but it's a terrible thing to explain to a child that she cant come and stay because she loves coming here!!

Thanks again for your response and congrats on your long awaited pregnancy. X

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JSLACEFAMILY · 21/05/2020 21:39

Hi

We are in a similar situation but the other way round. My daughter lives with me and my husband but visits her dad every other weekend. I am 22 weeks pregnant. Initially my daughter did not go to visit her Dad as he and I both thought it was for the best whilst we waited to see what happened. I am a key worker but have been working from home and so has my husband. My daughters Dad works as a tiler so is only going back to work now and is working on new homes by himself that are empty. Government guidlines say that children can move from one home to another in this situation and pregnant women unless have a medical condition aren't high risk until 28 weeks. I think it all depends on how you as a couple feel about it and take it from there. It's a hard situation to be in but I know after 8 weeks of not seeing her Dad and siblings my daughter (she is 14) became very upset and we all decided it was best for her to visit for now. Xx

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JSLACEFAMILY · 21/05/2020 21:42

Sorry OP completely missed that you are already 28 weeks. Shows how well my brain is working at the moment 🙈

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Cherryrainbow · 21/05/2020 21:52

Not key workers, and I'm now 22 weeks pregnant. me and my ex have a 50/50 arrangement so our son has kept his routine throughout lockdown. I agree it is such a grey area and we had to really check arrangements for separated parents and childcare, and have a discussion about keeping it up. Touch wood none of us have had symptoms or problems. My partners son he has at weekends, he did have a few weeks when he couldn't see him at the start of lockdown due to his family having illnesses.

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PuntoEBasta · 21/05/2020 22:26

How old is your stepdaughter? The evidence is not conclusive but would suggest that the younger she is, the less of an infection risk she poses.

I appreciate what a difficult situation this is but equally your step daughter is emotionally very vulnerable at the moment and will need a lot of reassurance, which I am sure your partner is giving her as much as he can. Is there any way that she could spend time in the house while you partially shield?

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RBF92 · 22/05/2020 00:32

@Lauren15691 I'm glad my post gave you some comfort to know you're not alone! And you're definitely not because everything you're saying could've been written my me! We're exactly the same, he sees her from the garden and has taken round things like magazines and craft stuff and sweets and she facetimes us all the time too and her mum is being good with sending us pictures but it is definitely hard when she's on facetime telling us how much she misses us and the dog and wants to come and stay :( especially because it's her birthday in a couple of weeks and she loves coming here too.

But you're right it's difficult to know what to do for the best. For us it's definitely the safer option to not have her stay at the moment because of both our health conditions as well as the pregnancy but I feel like it's gonna be trickier the more the restrictions are lifted!

Thanks for the congrats :) it's still pretty early days though so a bit nervous as it's my first but just trying to stay relaxed and keeping my fingers crossed everything goes smoothly! Xx