Family staying in house after baby is born....Anyone else?

[Duesept20]

Hey everyone!

This is really random but thought I'd ask here. My family are 200 miles away from me, and have now started talking about "coming to stay for a few days at a time" when the baby is born.

The thing is, our house is tiny. I run a business at home and have moved my workspace out of the spare room for it to be the babys room. This means my desk and shelves are now downstairs, in our tiny living room.

My family have said that it's ok, they can "sleep on an air bed in the living room or the babys room" but in order to accommodate this I'd have to remove the coffee table from the living room, dismantle it and put it in the garage.

My partner is taking 2 weeks paternity leave and then my family are talking about coming to stay after that.

I dont do well with people staying in the house, because its too small and if I want my own space I have to literally shut myself in our bedroom. So the anxiety of this is worrying me more than the thought of labour 😂

Anyone got any tips for how to manage guests in the house after a baby born, when you find it stressful? I dont want to upset everyone by telling them to stay in a B&B 😐But I also dont want to go totally insane at a time that's already going to he difficult. 🤷‍♀️

@Gemma0711 I'm due in September too and I'd be very surprised if things are back to normal by then. Even if we're not on lockdown, covid isn't going anywhere and I'm not willing to put my tiny baby at risk by having lots of visitors!

And just seen that your mum would have to take the train to you - so she'd be exposed to everyone on public transport first! Honestly you'd be mad to let her come.

my mum just sits and watches TV all day. I dont know what shes actually going to do.

Hmmm.

Picking her up/dropping off might help you control that time a bit better, since it doesn't sound like she's going to be able to do much.

It sounds awful! I'd say no for sure!

Do not do this!!
My very well intentioned and knowledgable mum came to stay with my blessing, was a disaster. She thinks is was great! You will never get that time back either, it is just not the same. Just say no. I think mothers/sisters have a very romanticised mage of the first grandchild FOR THEM. But for you the reality will be very different.

Hey Op! Just thought I would chip in!
I had my baby in September and as much as it was lovely having our families around, it was even nicer to shut the door and have some family time with just my DH and DD.

You need to set the ground rules now in a kind and understanding way. Along the lines of... 'I know you're so excited about spending time with us once the baby is born and I can't wait to see you too. We've been chatting about the logistics of it and I'm worried that it's not for the best that you stay with us but in a nice airb&b or hotel. We don't have any spare room for you to stay, I don't want to keep you awake with baby during the night and we both feel it would also be nice to have time at night just with the baby to ourselves.' copy some links to local airb&b or hotels.

You really need to be straight with people about visiting and don't feel bad about saying no - I would normally make my DH do it! Ha! Either that or we would have had visitors up morning, noon and night!

Hope you're keeping well and enjoying your pregnancy x

@Gemma0711 it makes me feel better I am not alone in this problem. I felt bad for asking my mother to stay in the hotel, but I know I will regret it if they stay at ours, especially with husband being on paternity leave too.
I am due in October, so I am hoping by then any hard feelings caused by me asking them to stay in the hotel will soften and get sorted.

"Would love to see you but sorry you won't be able to stay we just dont gave the room. There is a local hotel (link) or Airbnbs (link) all of which are close "

Crazy idea especially with Covid 19

Please OP let me tell you from experience - don’t do it. You will need your space and be tired and it’s too much. Airbnb js fine!

Could she come with someone else who can drive? You might not be up to ferrying her about for the first few weeks anyway, though perhaps DH could?

As soon as I announced my pregnancy my auntie began planning her visit on my due date from 200 miles away and I know she would want to spend time with us morning til night. I love her dearly but she drives me potty at the best of times! She wouldn't stay with me, I've already, very bluntly, said that nobody is, but she would stay with DM. I have asked DM to say that she is working so that she can't stay, which she is very understanding about and 100% agrees. I feel like that is absolutely my time to be selfish, I don't know how I will feel after birth, if I end up having a c-section I may find it even harder. I want time to get into a routine with my partner, settle into our new life and bond with baby. It may be selfish of me, but I want to be able to spend those first moments with just my new baby and partner - not the world and his wife 24/7.
Visitors for an hour or 2 here and there I can manage, I dont do visitors at the best of times.

Tell the politely it's going to be too difficult to manage and if they visit they will need their own accommodation. Don't give them a would you mind/are you able to kind of choice.

With dd my parents visited fleetingly like an hour to half a day here and there, in laws always stay in hotels but stayed for a few days and I found that bad enough. All of them live between 1-5 hrs away

I am going to have to be mean and strict this time, when you have a new baby you are absorbed by them.. They need little early on but it's all new and so tiring and you have to figure so much out. Its nice to have the odd person to hold baby so you can shower, have a hot cup of tea but honestly you'll be so exhausted with visitors even more so if they stay in your house.. I shouldn't think feeds every 2 hrs waking them up is going to be pleasant either..

I had in laws downstairs whilst I had checks from midwife upstairs. There was no privacy at all and I felt uncomfortable.
When I struggled breastfeeding it was very much talked about by them (as I sat in floods of tears) and then shared with their side of the family about issues
I also got pnd so it's not even those first few days or weeks..

Guests are exhausting, you'd have to think about meals, cups of tea, people pleasing... and that may be a great support to have family round but you also need time as your own new family unit to slob, wear pj's, eat take aways and go with the flow sometimes

Just say its so lovely to have you visit but it is just too inconvenient to have you stay in our house when it's so small. I hope you can appreciate it and we look forward to you popping in after breakfast etc etc.
Could you hunt out a couple of places to send them as suggestions?

Good luck!

Find an ‘expert’ to share the fallout with?

Tell family clearly that GP/midwife/obstetrician has said no houseguests for first xx months. And that it’s one of the many modern recommendations for babies that you’ll be following. Better they think of you as a slightly unhinged ‘first time mum’, than someone purposefully standing in the way of their preferences.

And I agree- make it clear ASAP.

Don't have them in your house. You have a baby to prioritise, they can stay elsewhere.

Christ almighty OP say NO very firmly and shut that conversation down ASAP.

Your mother having MS is not your problem and certainly not immediately after you've given birth. That may sound harsh but if you don't want people staying in your house, you have got to be firm and say no, regardless of what perceived slights or inconveniences it causes.

I refused to let my family stay after I had my DD despite them living abroad. I didn't want to be hosting - which you will end up doing - I knew I would be irritated to hell by having them stay, and I knew I needed my home to myself.

You'll be vulnerable and in dire need of your own space after giving birth and if that offends yourself family, tough. If you don't stand up for what you want and feel comfortable with in your own home, no one else will. Please be honest and tell them no if you don't want them to stay. You'll just end up feeling angry and resentful if you don't. Good luck x

You manage it by telling them not to come. They are being selfish to even suggest it. Why should you inconvenience yourself, in your own home when you have just given birth, to accommodate the wishes of other people. I wouldn’t even suggest an Airbnb or hotel. My parents live about 300 miles away and I’ve made it clear I’m having no guests for at least a month.

Thanks so much everyone!!! You've all helped me deal with this much easier. I feel in a much more reasonable place to be able to tell my Mum and sister "no" now. I still feel guilty (she guilt trips me frequently!) but hopefully I can get over that last hurdle.
She wanted to come after my Husbands paternity leave was over because she said I would need the help, but I now realise that's just selfish on her part, because she wants to he with the baby.
I'm not going to be able to tell her when I go into labour, because shes going to get on a train ASAP and come down even if I ask her not to. She knows that during that 2 week paternity leave shes not allowed to stay in the house so she'd stay in a B and B but to be honest I dont want her in my living room for a whole day after giving birth! So I'm going to have to see what happens there. I'm going to refuse to see her if she comes down on the train at the moment so we'll see how it goes. I just feel so guilty for having kids away from her, but that's what I get for a life of being guilt tripped!

I have the opposite problem. My partners parents who are 200 miles away have said they would like to come up for a period of time afterwards but are happy for us to tell them when we are ready for visitors and for how long. I'm happy with this arrangement and knowing them they will follow their word. They had intrusive parents when my partner was little so they understand.

My parents live 5 miles away and my mum started joking a few weeks ago that she will be turning up and staring through the window. The first couple of times she mentioned it I let it slide but then firmly said under no circumstances was I going to have her sat on my front lawn, there is no way to get to the back of the house without going through the house. My mum often plays the "it's just because I'm a mother card" to make me accept her behaviour that I don't like and to guilt trip me into going against my wishes. I am so looking forward to being able to reply with "so am I, let me be a mother leave me alone!"

This is your time. Be firm!

@Superscientist what a nightmare! Camping out on the front lawn staring through the window is not cool! I'm definitely going to be firm with my mum next time she brings it up and just say we're not accepting visitors, because its starting to cause me a lot of anxiety. I totally get the guilt tripping thing too....I get that all the time. My mum likes to use her MS to guilt trip me by saying "but I have nothing else to do, I just want to help you, I cant work and I'm at home all alone". But unfortunately it just really grinds my gears because I have 5 or 6 days of migraine a week, a baby on the way and a business to run....and PMDD. So I'm not really ready to jump on the chronic illness pity party. I'd rather just live my life the best I can. I asked her to not buy anything for the baby after finding out at 8 weeks that she had bought a moses basket, put money aside for the pram, and bought a tonne of clothes and was researching which pram she wanted to get. She has a habit of buying tonnes and tonnes of stuff, and I would appreciate it if it was one or two things, but she buys TONNES of stuff even after I've asked her to stop. The Hermes courier was here every day last week with packages from her because I've asked her to let me and my husband choose the baby things, and shes decided instead to send me maternity clothes. In the last 2 weeks I've had 2 pairs of jeans, 3 pairs of leggings, 6 dresses, 5 skirts, and 12 tops from her. And although I appreciate the sentiment, i have asked her to stop and she is totally ignoring me. I can't win. I'm just going to have to get really cross I think.