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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Not coping at 26 weeks pregnant

8 replies

Missbee2bee · 17/05/2020 14:53

The closer I get to giving birth the more I doubt myself as a future mother. I never wanted children but my partner is nearly 40 and is so excited to be a first time dad. I have no maternal instinct at all although weve been buying things for our future son I just cant seem to care. I sound awful I know but I'm trying so hard to feel that motherly excited feeling and I just cant. I feel regret and sadness. I cry allot when my partner isnt around about it and have to fake being happy all the time around other people. I'm 31 finishing my degree and we are having to move out our rental property asap because our landlord is selling up. Baby is due in august and I'm scared we wont find another property in time. I thought I'd have a morgage by now and be settled and I'm not even close to feeling secure yet with my life so how can I look after a child ? My partner has a good job thankfully but it's still not a comfort. I'm so exhausted and confused. Just cant cope right now.

OP posts:
SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 17/05/2020 14:56

I think you need to reach out to your midwife and tell her how you're feeling. Your hormones can really send everything haywire and there is support out there.

littlemisssoontobemrs · 17/05/2020 14:56

Without being rude why did you come off birth control if you didn't want a baby? It's not like buying a new dress and go with it on a whim it's a massive decision. I just don't get it I'm afraid x

JenL7 · 17/05/2020 15:18

Speak to your midwife as there is support available. I've found pregnancy hard, hormones are strange, I often feel anxious and I'm terrified about being a parent. But I think that's ok, and you need to keep speaking to people, midwife or friends, family. It must be really hard if you are unsure about housing as well so dont feel bad about feeling this way.

JenL7 · 17/05/2020 15:25

Plus, this is such a strange time to be pregnant. Normally, you can go to classes and meet people and drink tea and talk about pregnancy and things.

Missbee2bee · 17/05/2020 16:15

Littlemisssoontobemrs dont reply if you're going to be negative about the situation and not have a valid response. I was genuinely asking for advice not a bitch remark from you. I got pregnant while on birth control. So. Yeah..have a great day

OP posts:
seventhrow · 17/05/2020 16:37

Hello - I'm so sorry to read you're feeling overwhelmed and confused, and definitely ignore any nasty comments on here!

I think there is such a big cult around motherhood that it feels very isolating for the many women who've never gone gooey eyed at the sight of babies. I'm 15 weeks pregnant and honestly I'd put myself in the camp of "if I wasn't with a partner who really cared about children, I'd probably be fine without them". My sister was actively upset at the idea of me having kids!! - we're a practical, active family who like our careers, freedom and peace and quiet... In honesty for quite a lot of my first trimester I felt extremely sad at the loss of my past life, made worse by not being able to enjoy a last hurrah of coupledom before the baby comes because of this stupid virus. If the people around you are expecting you to be over the moon and baby-mad right now, it will feel really unsettling if those aren't your feelings. Is there anyone you can talk to openly and without judgement about your uncertainties? Either a friend who's on the same sort of wave length as you, or a close family member? Having a child is a massive life change - when I got my positive test result my first thoughts were "what have I done" rather than tears of happiness, and that's despite having deliberately come off birth control. (tbf I wasn't expecting the BFP to happen within 6 weeks).

As other posters have said - do talk to your midwife. It may seem trite to say "hormones hormones blah blah" and you probably don't want to hear that because it may seem dismissive that your very real feelings are passed off as a chemical byproduct of pregnancy. There is support out there and they will try to help you sort out what's hormones and what's not.

Have you talked to your partner? If he's so overjoyed perhaps you feel like you can't raise the subject? I do feel like the decent men out there understand how different it is for women... try giving it a go? He may have his own worries about becoming a dad, and generally nerves about the changes in your lives. You're a team! He's there to support you and I bet his adoration and love for you has seemed more intense since you're doing this amazing thing.

Babies and children are hard but the bits afterwards are great... The way I see it, the next few years are going to be difficult - women bear the brunt of this - but the long term game is worth it!! I think about my mother's life and how important she and my sister are to her... or any older person in my generation and how important their family is... and I'm so grateful that hopefully I will have that to look forward to in the second half of my life.

Please reach out to your midwife!!! and take care.xx

Jg93x · 17/05/2020 16:38

I would definitely speak to your midwife, I’ve been feeling really anxious lately as I’m also due August, my partner is currently not working due to covid and so money is extremely tight as I’m furloughed. She has put me in contact with a counselling team as I think it will help to speak to someone.

I also think it’s totally normal to have doubts like you are as it’s such a big change! The pandemic definitely isn’t helping right now, it’s such a strange time to be pregnant.

I’m 26 with my first baby, it wasn’t planned (I also got pregnant while on birth control 🤦🏼‍♀️) I’ve never been a maternal person either and I’ve definitely had times when I’ve felt so out of my comfort zone and like I’m not ready or it’s a bad time, but I’m sure when baby is here you will feel so different 💕

Hope you feel better soon Flowers

NicLondon1 · 17/05/2020 18:59

I think there is a lot to unpick here and I would really recommend getting some counselling or therapy. It sounds like you have depression and/or anxiety for sure.
On a purely practical level, you are 31, educated and in a stable relationship. Plenty of people rent whilst bringing up children (some for years, or their whole lives).

You ARE settled. It IS possible to find a new flat in time.
Is it the stress of finishing your degree..? Perhaps you are so focused on that, that you've not had the headspace to acclimatise to becoming a Mum yet..? Or perhaps there are deeper issues about motherhood which may stem from your own mother...?
I would urge you to talk to somebody in real life - a therapist, a friend, and especially your partner. Ideally all 3. Don't hide these feelings away, you'll feel so much better to get them out in the open. X

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