Co parenting from birth

[Prettylittlelady]

I’m wondering if anyone has any experience of this and how it worked from birth. I am not with my child’s father but we on and we are going to try and make it work.
I’d love to hear any experiences at all of this.

If you mean a 50/50 split from birth that seems very cruel, sorry

No I don’t at all mean a 50/50 spilt I mean that we are not together but are going to parent together. As in he wants involvement as much as possible and I want that too. I’m not going to let my newborn baby be aware from me if that’s what you’re implying!

@Notashandyta did you have advice or just to tell me I’m cruel?!

No experience, but a suggestion would be if you're happy with this...

1. let him (within reason) come and go as he pleases - straight from work for bath time etc, all weekends

2. spend nights on the sofa to feed if you're not BFing or to change nappies and settle if you are?

3. let him invite his family to yours?

Just get everything straight. What access dad will be getting, where & when. Who is allowed to visit with him during his time (first few months should be little and often in your house). When will it be built up to a few hours away with dad (if not breastfeeding this can be from a matter of weeks old). When will it go to overnight stays (I would say if not BF then from 6 months weaning age might work) then onto 50/50 care.
Will dad be named on the birth certificate and have PR?

I didn't say you were cruel, just that the idea of a 50/50 split was cruel for a tiny baby.

But that's not what you're planning thankfully! I think it sounds great that you both want to co parent as you've subsequently described. Other posters have gien lots of good practical advice.

Thank you for your responses, I don’t think it will ever be 50/50 care, more like a regular time with Dad as they grow and then extra visits whenever possible due to his job and I want a stable base for them initially which will be my home.
I plan to breastfeed so the visiting times settle baby/change nappies is a good idea. I’m already stressing about things like Christmas because I can’t deal with the thought of being without my child.
Yes he will be named on birth certificate but the baby will have my surname.

Maybe dad can’t imagine Christmas without his baby either?
Maybe begin by swapping? 1 year you get Christmas Eve until Lunchtime Christmas Day, & dad gets from Lunch until Boxing Day evening? Then swap next year. Same with birthdays. Then you and dad both get your respective birthdays/ Mothers Father’s Day?

When is your baby due? If you’re planning on breastfeeding then you will presumably need to be available to your child for at least part of Christmas Day? (Obviously you can pump for bottles, but you’d be pretty uncomfortable not feeding for the whole day!)

Honestly, I can’t see that it’ll be 50:50 parenting from birth if you don’t live together. You’d be doing all the night time feeds/settling and your home will be what your baby sees as home. There’s plenty the father can do to be involved - you can express so he can bottle feed, he can take baby out for naps in pram, have playtime with you out of sight etc, but I assume he’d basically be a weekend dad for some time? It’ll put a lot of pressure on all of you to aim for 50:50 when living separately, I think you might be setting yourself up for a disappointment.

“ I think you might be setting yourself up for a disappointment.”

I think so too, @crazychemist

I actually hate it when women go on about the "cruel" aspect of sharing care for a newborn - they aren't attached to your boobs all the time and in a situation like this the father should be given every opportunity to be involved - it's not the babies fault this has happened and nor should the father be punished - so good on you for being supportive of co parenting

I think you just have to take it week by week - you say you get on now and that's a good thing but feelings may change as your or him meet other partners or even have more kids. Also the reality of being "away" from your baby may be harder than you think although you might find you're glad of the break! Also be prepared for a potential drop in interest in the early months - babies are actually pretty boring x

Baby isn’t actually due until start of October so will almost certainly be breast feeding over the Christmas. I’m very sad about the whole thing so appreciate the supportive responses. I just want wants best for my baby.

I have no experience so no advice. However I just wanted to say that with our mainly breastfed baby, I end up doing the majority of looking after him and spend a lot more time with him despite living together. Dad is very involved, is absolutely committed to him, does nappies, takes him out etc but with me being on mat leave and also the breastfeeding it's just whats happening. Because I spend a lot more time with him, I tend to pick up on his cues a lot more and learn how baby likes things. I sometimes feel bad when he is with Dad and I have to come and help out to stop baby crying. I think it's worth you being aware that however hard you try to begin with I imagine you will be doing the majority of parenting and that's not a problem. I hope your baby's father will understand that too, as baby gets older things will change. Good on you for thinking about this and how to make it work.

I’m a child of a co parenting family so this is just my reflections 30 years on.

• be mindful of your split. The “arrangement” changed as I grew older but I still remember feeling like a parcel being shuffled back and forth - one week with my mum and one week with my dads. This was altered to every other weekend with my dad at a later stage.

• Be VERY clear on boundaries. My mum still talks about how how frustrated she got when my dad did things that weren’t agreed, didn’t bring me back on time, tried to have me more than the agreed days etc. He was also always late and just a bit useless sometimes

• that said you HAVE to be flexible - my

Mother wasn’t so flexible and it really did lead to a breakdown in her and my dads relationship. You have to accept Christmas may be apart and birthdays will not always be celebrated with your child. You also have to consider what happens when new partners (yours and his) enter the mix and how you will feel being away from your child!

• listen to your child - I’m not going to say I was unhappy but I didn’t love the co parent split. I didn’t want to hurt my dads feelings so I didn’t expressly say that I didn’t want to see him as much but my mum has told me that i dropped hints/left signs which in hindsight she wished she had listed to

• be 100000% sure this is what you want. I don’t want to spark a debate about father/parental rights AT ALL. However my mother said that she kind of wished she had done it alone.

• never EVER involve your child. My parents, not so good at this. One would criticise the other. I would hear shouting from upstairs. They didn’t hide the difficulties from me as much as I wished they should

• prepare for this to be HARD - kind of replicates my point above but you need to accept this will be tough on your. Think to how many times you and your babies father have disagreed on minor points and how that turned out. Times that my a million and that’s how passionately you will feel and disagree on your child.

The above sound negative and I don’t want to lie and say it wasn’t tough but my dad was wonderful (he passed away quite a few years ago now) and we had a great time together and many happy memories! My mum did also say she appreciated the help when I was a baby as she wasn’t an entirely single parent!

Hope you figure it out!

It will be very hard on him to be apart from his child so much from the very beginning, and you might find it negatively impacts his bond with baby, which would be awful and so unfair to both. Is there any possibility of him staying with you for the first few weeks or months after baby is born, so he gets a chance to be a part of his child's life, help you out and experience that absolutely magical first period?

My advice would be not to lock anything in. You don’t know if overnights at 6 months will work, so don’t agree to it now. It will only create problems if it doesn’t go ahead.

I think little and often visits sound like a good idea. Be clear that you are not sure how you will feel after the birth. For example you might be exhausted and want to rest, so won’t necessarily want long visits all day everyday.

As for things like Christmas, there are lots of options. My family celebrates on Christmas Eve and my ex and I celebrate together with our kids on Christmas Day. You might decide to split the day etc. I think being flexible is good, what works for one family, won’t work for another.

I think for the first 6m it needs to be frequent shorter visits to you and baby. Let him come for bathtime everyday and leave them to it. As baby stretches time out between feeds then he can take them on walks every day or two as well.

Revisit things at the 6m mark - but be prepared that as baby grows, overnights at his will come into realms of normality and you will have to be accepting of that.

My advice would be to take it literally a day at a time. And advise him the same. You have no idea how you will feel the first day, 4th day, 9th day etc. For example you could feel ecstatic when baby is first born and be really happy to have him there with you, in your home. Then on day 3 your milk comes in and it’s agony every time you feed your baby and, maybe you want to go off and feed in private where you can cry (totally normal- it’s very sore!!) and because it’s a new baby they feed little and often so you feel you might as well just stay in your room with baby until the constant feeding settles down. Meanwhile he’s sitting in your living room watching Netflix all day. Pointless. So take it a day at a time and tell him he needs to be flexible and understanding about you not always wanting him there. If he is a Decent sort he will want to be supportive and sometimes that support comes in the form of giving you space when you need it. A happy mum makes a happy baby so anything he can do to keep you stress free is helpful. He can also be involved by doing things like washing up the dishes, hanging out your laundry, running a hoover round. He probably won’t agree though but that’s what new mums need help with. But one day at a time is the best way and don’t make plans for weeks ahead as you simply won’t know whether you’ll be able to follow through. He needs to accept this.

Also sorry just to add, as wonderful as MN is I would make sure you actually speak to mothers/fathers/families who have SPECIFICALLY raised a child co parent from birth like mine did!

Theoretical advice is wonderful but wouldn't be a patch on support groups/networks of parents who have done what you're doing. What works in theory isn't always what works in practice

It's also different from raising a child together and then coparenting from a split when the child is a bit older x

It also depends what dad wants from his relationship with his baby too. You can’t, sadly, force him to spend time with the baby.