How does everyone else manage constant pregnancy anxiety? So stressed about being stressed!

[help2019]

Hi All

Just looking to share and vent really..

I'm 26 weeks and really struggling (especially in lockdown with no distractions) to remain "calm and zen" about the baby. I go through phases of being so worried about different things that could go wrong.. current worry is that the baby will end up with autism - caused through my stress.

I wish I'd never read that stress has been linked to autism, because now I keep going over the pregnancy and pin-pointing times I've been stressed and whether that will have affected the baby (I had a high risk NIPT result of Patau's at 15 weeks - 2 weeks later we go the all-clear but now I worry so much about what that 2 weeks of stress did to the baby). And more irrationally, apart from the high risk result, I haven't actually been 'stressed' - no money worries, no job worries, no relationship or family worries.. Lockdown is shit but to be it does mean most days are very chilled.. I've had no 'stress' physical symptoms apart from my anxious thoughts... so I'm literally worried that my worries are what 's causing me to have something to worry about!

I do do all the things I'm supposed to do to help - meditation, yoga,positive visualisation - and they all help to a point. But then I'll have a few days of utter worry and dread and spend hours on google reading bloody research papers..

Just wondering if anyone else has similar anxieties, or had them in pregnancy and their babies turned out fine!!!

I can't believe I clicked on this - I could have written it myself, except I'm only 12 weeks. Meant to be trying to sleep while toddler sleeps now because I've barely been sleeping with anxiety over last few days but I had to reply as found a kindred spirit

I too am completely preoccupied with autism, partly because of stress since I too had read this. Like you I've been lucky that lockdown hasn't been objectively that stressful but I've certainly been very anxious, especially about specific pregnancy worries.

I accidentally tripled my vitamin dose at about five weeks and have fallen into a hole of journal worries because it seems a critical period and I read that extremely high folate levels are possibly maybe correlated with autism. Between that and the stress I have convinced myself that the baby will be affected. My completely uninformed hypothesis is that the high folate at that early stage of programming will mean the baby is actually less receptive to folate epigetically and thus actually become deficient and develop autism (another unproven link!) I know I'm being irrational but will spend hours and hours reading and trying to find evidence to prove myself wrong and reassure myself, and it almost never helps. Then I'll forget for a few days and then return to it afresh with fear!

I can't seem to separate possible increased risk from "will definitely happen", but from the outside I would say to you with confidence that I don't think that period of stress will have a significant impact. I know it's anecdotal but we also had a high risk result at our daughter's 12 week scan and a lot of stress then and subsequently as a result although we were cleared in pregnancy. She's over 2 now, very very sociable and happy and seems very healthy.

Now of course I'm worried the lack of sleep is impacting too but I feel so on edge I can't drop off. It will probably be followed by a few days of feeling calm and optimistic and then hit again. I think it's the hormones. I remember in my first pregnancy being worried my DH was not the father, even though I'd never slept with anyone else during the several years of our relationship. I wondered if I'd blacked out on a night out around that time and maybe had sex in a toilet or something - when I was with my friends and of course I didn't! When I realised the dates didn't work out even if that had happened (which of course it hadn't), I convinced myself embryonic diapause might be possible in humans (it isn't!)

So no real advice - I hope someone else can give you something more constructive - but I completely completely understand

Re the stress thing - I even went through all the what's app messages I exchanged in first trimester during my first pregnancy to try and gauge how stressed I was, and compare it to this pregnancy (because my DD is so lovely and ok I've convinced myself this time that if anything is different it will have a negative impact)

It is very difficult but I think you need to focus on the here and now. Yes, your baby could have issues but then any number of things "could"happen to us each day. At this moment in time you are pregnant with a healthy baby. Try not to spoil your pregnancy with all the what ifs...if you think about it any number of things "could" happen to us at any time. Save your worries for when you have something to worry about.

First step: get away from google, social media and the news. None of these will be doing you any favours - even if you find positive stories to put your mind at ease, you’ll drive yourself mad with the case studies of those who things didn’t go well for.

Have you tried CBT? It was an absolute game changer for me

@NotSleepingMonkey.. Oh my god... I could literally have written your post! I know EXACTLY what you mean by the separation between, and let's face it, "unproven, highly debatable link that has been associated with an increased risk" and "this will definitely 100% CAUSE my child to develop autism". And I do exactly the same - I could become an expert on studies researching the link between stress and autism - I must have spent HOURS researching, trying to find reassurance, and even when I do find a study that found no link, disregarding that and hunting for something more substantial. I suppose the problem with these studies is that because they are unsubstantiated there's little in the way of a nice NHS guidance article advising that there may be an increased risk but it is minimal and not to worry, etc..

I think what is so difficult is "stress" is such an ambiguous and vague term. I know researchers have looked at major stressful events like bereavement, job loss, etc, and this isn't something that applies to us. But even so - unlike, say, something definitive like diabetes or high blood pressure - something you definitely either have or haven't got, it's so difficult to reassure yourself that you have not been stressed enough to harm your child - because how can you definitely know that? It's so subjective!

I also have gone through old Whatsapps to 'test' my stress levels at times I've remembered I might have been stressed! Just writing that down, I absolutely know how irrational that is, but actually a relief to hear I'm not alone!

It feels ridiculous that the main point of my stress in pregnancy has been literally being stressed about being stressed. I keep positively reaffirming to myself every day "I am not stressed. I am fine."

Such a relief, and does make me feel better, to know I'm not alone in this! And it's funny, because hearing your story @NotSleepingMonkey I would 100% say you have nothing to worry about and your baby will be absolutely fine - because with anyone other than myself I appear to beable to be totally rational, it's only with myself that my anxiety just takes over...

Hours! And the time flies by! I have no idea it's literally been hours while I'm feverishly tapping away at google searching endless terms and scanning articles. If I were on some sort of deadline for some useful occupation in which I could apply objectivity I'd be amazing!

I looked at that too re stressful life events. I pointed out to my husband that when lockdown started I was very upset and worried and not exactly a model of resilience (I'd had my bfp the week before), and that we'd had a couple of arguments (usual, non violent relationship stress also in one or two articles) and he pointed out that although we'd argued and I got upset we usually make up within half an hour or so and carry on happily. It's not like we are tense about it for days.

It's probably the same as that, lockdown hasn't exactly been ideal and test result waiting is horrendous but it was for a reasonably short period (apart from the worrying about worrying 😂) and so subjective as it may be I think it's nothing to worry about in our respective cases. I remember reading one study that did not associate bereavement with abnormal neurological outcomes in their cohort. So as we know, even if it were a factor, it's not for all.

There's another large scale study looking at cognition and stressful events and in that one it was objective stress (ie physical hardship) rather than subjective distress that was the influencing factor. And objectively, I'm bloody lucky if I can get out of my own way.

I'm certain the hormones do not help here at all. CBT is probably a great thing as a pp mentioned. Once or twice I feel like telling my midwife but I feel a bit silly doing so. I was very cheery during my booking appointment on the phone as I was worry free that day and it didn't seem like a big deal.

We aren't alone though. I've come across a couple of very similar people before and exchange lots of messages with a woman in America whose daughter has a similar condition to mine (nothing to do with the 12 week test results btw - so don't worry!) and it's really cathartic.

What I never find helpful is well meaning people just saying it's ok unless they really know what they are talking about because then I feel like I push it aside and think "yes, but". Like if for example my worry was specifically about a late third trimester event (just making it up here), if someone said that happened to them in the first trimester I'd be thinking thanks but it wouldn't reassure me because I'd find it irrelevant.

I slept for an hour after reading your message so thanks for that! 😊 I'm sorry to hear you are having the worries too, and wish you didn't, but it is somehow reassuring to know I'm not alone. And I can say with confidence I think your baby will in all likelihood be happy and healthy based on what you said and that helps me understand I'm being irrational too (which I know deep down.)

The stupid thing is I know I am able to read research and weigh it up in an informed way and analyse sources etc, but when it's something I'm worried about I just can't keep objective.

Should say bloody lucky, if I can get out of my own way. Ie I'm very fortunate, I just mess it up for myself!

I went through horrendous stress when I was pregnant with dd2. She was born healthy on her due date. She's now a very happy and confident 4 year old.