Unsolicited advice

[KeepCalmSuffolk]

As I'm sure everyone here has experienced, I've been getting a lot of this, and have tried to let it go and just smile! However, I was on a House Party catch up with a group of friends on the weekend and I felt really patronised with some "advice".

I was saying how strange it's been expecting during Covid and another friend (also pregnant agreed). We simply said we just wanted to have our babies and all stay healthy and for no-one to catch the virus. A friend who had her dc 13 years ago then chipped in and said a 2 minute long speech (which was all directed to me for some reason and not the other first time mum) "don't beat yourself up, you're still learning, you'll make so many mistakes, you'll get depressed, you'll want to tear your hair out, but just remember you're not the only one getting it wrong, and you might not get a good baby, they might be a cryer, but you need to stop beating yourself up when you can't cope, when you want to run away..." and this went on for 2 minutes!

I was dumbfounded. We weren't talking about parenting mistakes but about the virus!

Do you think she was projecting her own experiences onto us / me? She did always complain about how her baby never stopped crying and never slept...

I felt so patronised though! I'm fully aware that everyone makes mistakes but that wasn't even what I was talking about!

I would have been like "Err.... ok" and changed the subject.

What is "a good baby" anyway? What babies are bad? That's horrible.

Just wait for the rest of the judgemental comments as they will just keep coming.
Try and take it with a pinch of salt, breath and move in from whatever comment has been made to you, or about you. 🥰🥰

Do you think she was projecting her own experiences onto us / me? She did always complain about how her baby never stopped crying and never slept...

Probably. But in a couple of years time you might find you’ve inadvertently said exactly the same thing to another newly pregnant friend. You’ll be surprised how strong the urge and instinct is to to pass on your experience and wisdom to first time mums. This is why when you ask a simple parenting question on MN your average answer will include the written equivalent of what your friend said it’s all well meaning.

She sounds like she knows what she's talking about to be fair and that was some good advice.

My best friend was pregnant( 8 weeks behind me). When I told her I wanted to exclusively breastfeed she went on and on about the benefits of combination feeding . It got annoying as I respected her reasons but for me personally it wasn’t what I wanted. She also had STRONG opinions on epidurals , 100% against them . I’m like whatever , do that’s right for you . It got annoying though .

Anyway , she ended up needed an epidural and went on to exclusively breastfeed.

I felt smug lol

Awh OP I get the frustration of unsolicited advice but I honestly think that was a nice thing of her to say and actually all sounds very true! It maybe came out of the blue/out of context but actually something really supportive!

When you said unsolicited advice I thought you mean stuff like (and I’m using my real life examples here):

• two cans of Diet Coke?? You done want to drink that much caffeine you do know what the daily limit is right?
• are you sure you want to have that pizza? You know you shouldn’t be eating for two right?
• do you think you should be on your back on the sofa? You know that’s not good for your placenta right?
• you’re thinking of co-sleeping?? You know that increase the risks of SIDSs right??

And on and on and on and on it goes!

I really understand, I hate unsolicited advice as I’m a first time mum and I want to figure things out on my own too but I think that was possibly her just trying to be supportive x

Sorry I've done that annoying MN thing and drip fed! This is in the context of a LOT of other unsolicited advice from this particular friend that's I've been getting similar to what you mention @MrsRose2018

So far she's told me off for having not enough breakfast in her view (I happened to be eating a fruit salad and yoghurt on that particular day but she doesn't see what I normally eat!)
She also went on and on about sleep and how any kind of sleep training, or put down awake etc (basically anything other than feed to sleep) is wrong. Obviously her choice but it wasn't helpful advice at all.
I mentioned I'd been sitting in the garden which I found helpful for my wellbeing during lockdown and she immediately rattled off the risks of getting the bump exposed to sun, which put a massive downer on things.
She's told me how to eat healthily and lose weight after the baby, even though (without being unkind) she is overweight and I'm a healthy weight. Again, this wasn't asked for and I've always been really into health and fitness so I don't know why she felt it necessary.
She's also repeatedly told me to sleep on my right side, even though the advice is the left side. She literally doesn't listen to me and it's like I'm voiceless because I've not got DC so how would I know anything!

I guess, in response to dellBelleber it's not so much the advice itself but the fact that I've not asked for any of it. It always comes unprompted. You wouldn't do this in any other conversation, eg without the friend asking just start advising them about their job or their sex life. So why this? @Pinkblueberry I will tattoo it on myself if I have to, but I will never become that person! I know how unwanted it is! Even if tempted to speak up, I plan on keeping my mouth shut unless specifically asked for advice.

Bleeeuch, I hate unsolicited advice. I think the problem is that everyone becomes an absolute world expert in their own child and then thinks that that makes them an expert in all children. They are not.

Ironically I have no advice about how to deal with this, because I just let it wind me up!

Ahaha ok OP that does sound like the unsolicited advice I've gotten from my mamma! Especially the sitting in the sun one! In fact she tried to make me go sit in side and "cool down" because the sun was directly on my bump! I've had the breakfast comment as well - too much sugary cereal 😂

I accept it's totally different as my mums advice is because she's thinking of my baby and her baby (me) and it's much more intolerable when it's not your mum!

My MIL is very difficult and chirrups up about every damn thing and literally I just employ the smile and nod! You may get the tingly rage but she doesn't need to know you're going to ignore everything you says! Path of least resistance!

Also it's likely coming from a good place (most friends/family members don't deliberately try to be douches)! That's what I tell myself when my MIL tries to tell me not to bottle AND breast feed because it will stop my baby latching... x

Her other comments sound pretty annoying!