I don't want this baby

[Kami625]

Hi, I’ve recently discovered I’m pregnant & I'm nearly 41. My partner & I had been trying for nearly 12 months (I have a daughter from my first marriage & he doesn’t have children). We gave ourselves a time frame due to my age & last month we decided to stop trying as I’m approaching 41. At that point I began to look forward to a different future, change career, we were planning holidays for us as a 3, buying a house together etc. I had a bad relationship before him so I really felt that life was on track for my daughter & I, I completely love him & he & my daughter have a great relationship. Having come to terms that we will not have a child together & our plans changed, we then discovered I was pregnant & had been for 4 weeks. I’m now 7 weeks.
I was surprised at first but now I feel devastated that the plans we made excited me & I felt relief that we hadn’t become pregnant because I realised that the alternative was more fun & carefree, something I hadn't experienced in a long time before we met. He is elated & excited & I just feel bereft. I wanted this but then came to terms it wasn’t going to happen but now it has, I feel lost, I'm not excited. I want my 40s to enjoy life & not go through this again. Of course, I will have the baby & im sure when he/she is here there will be no issues with bonding but I just don’t feel happy, if anything I’m secretly hopeful for a miscarriage which kills me with guilt. I have no one that I can speak to & I can’t find anything online. It’s not depression, it’s shock & I feel as though I’m not ready again but there is absolutely no way I would consider abortion as I love my partner too much, I just don’t want this life again. I do sometimes look forward to our life as a family but the negatives far outweigh the positives. As I previously stated, the guilt is overwhelming.
Thank you for reading

Awwww love I get you. Have you spoken to your partner about your fears. X

No, he's so excited & when he speaks about it his face lights up. I love seeing him happy I just can't feel happy. I feel hard done by which is ridiculous I know

I know how you feel... my husband and I had been trying for a couple of years, and at 37 and 45, we were just coming to the conclusion that it wasn't going to happen, and started making exciting alternative plans - sabbatical, career change, having freedom and disposable income etc etc. I was quite relieved as I'd never really been maternal and never 100% sold on having a baby. But I was too slow/complacent to go back on the pill, and a month before my 38th birthday, found out I was pregnant. I was devastated, cried every day, researched abortion (although I think deep down I knew I wouldn't go through with it), hoped for a miscarriage - everything you're feeling now.

My advice is not to be ashamed of your feelings - you are grieving for the alternative life you are no longer going to have. But over time you will adjust to the new reality and gradually become more comfortable with it.

I am nearly 12 weeks now, and am finally starting to get the first positive feelings about my new situation, whereas before all I could see was doom and gloom.

It is a massive shock, and you are still processing it, so give yourself time to get used to it, and be kind to yourself.

Thank you. Comforting to know I'm not alone with these feelings.

Similar here too. Trying for a while and about to stop trying when I became pregnant (I too had a time-frame) I had just started thinking of all the things we could do without a new baby and felt free and excited. First few weeks of pregnancy I felt really really torn. But gradually, as the first trimester passed I reconnected with all the reasons we'd been trying for all those months. Now I'm 20 weeks and back to feeling more excited. I think I had to go through a period of mourning the alternative path (with no new baby) that I was no longer on.

Ladies, thank you so so much for sharing this. I'm not normally one for these forums & reaching out but I think I'll sleep better tonight. I wish I knew you all so I could talk to someone that understands but this is the next best thing. Thank you again xx

This sounds really hard. But I will say babies are very portable so you can still get away places plus once they get to 2 it gets easier and you’ll still have the majority of your 40s. I do understand though how you’d told yourself you’d do all these fun things and now it’s changed. I hope things all work out x

I know it hard trust me this how I felt.we tried for 10years and we now just got the home we wanted the jobs we worked hard for the life which didn't include baby.
My partner is over the moon i expected and still do something to go wrong now 14 weeks still hard to see life with baby.
My mw told me to relax and it doesn't help being in lockdown. And if I still feel like this there is a group I could talk to. Things do get better just give urself alittle time. Personally I think becoming a mummy is our whole life changing and that is a massive thing. X

Another woman giving up the best years of her life to please a man...

I'd have had an abortion asap, not told him and carried on planning a wonderful future.

I can see why you feel like this. We’ve been trying for nearly 2 years and lm 40. My alternative life is looking more likely e.g. exotic foreign holidays, impractical house (no nursery due to master bedroom, dressing room and room for hobbies), more rescue pets etc. This is what my 41 / 42 year old self is probably going to be opting for. You feel the way you feel, l know it’s easy to say but there is no need to feel guilty

Oh OP I really feel for you, what a predicament.

You have every right to change your mind though. When you were trying before, were you fully on board with it or did you feel pressure to do it because it's what your partner wanted?

I really don't think you should do this just to satisfy his wants. Take some time to think about it.

If you were trying for 12 months then you really did want this baby together. Just wondering whether the pregnancy hormones have you all out of sorts at the moment?

At the start of my last pregnancy I became convinced I hated my partner. It was an awful feeling and came on from nowhere. I'm not saying what you're feeling isn't genuine but please bear in mind you're probably not being totally rational at the moment and this stage will probably pass.

Your partner sounds like a delight - would this baby not make your love for eachother stronger? You'll have a link together for life.

I'm in my twenties so can't put myself in your shoes but sending you a virtual hug. Your partner sounds lovely and supportive so it's probably best to share this with him even if it's something he'd rather not hear.

Inmyshedsmoking that's a really unhelpful comment. Why encourage someone to abort their child & lie to their partner when already clearly vulnerable. Consider your irresponsible words. Also if you're on here then you too have had a baby with the help of a man!!!

I can totally understand where you are coming from.

Would you consider talking to someone? It may help to address your feelings. Best of luck to you x

inmyshedsmoking2000 you're messing with peoples lives when you start playing that game.

I think it is possible how you feel could be linked to pregnancy hormones plus the sudden change in circumstances as I had something similar.

I had a termination becuase our baby had a severe genetic condition. I got pregnant again after a few months and had to have cvs testing at 12 weeks. Prior to the testing I really wanted the baby and then the results came back all clear. I should have felt happy but for some reason I felt devastated. My OH was so pleased but all I could think was that I wanted my old life back. I think mentally I had been preparing to have another termination and then when I discovered this would no longer be the case it really blindsided me.

Gradually however over the next few weeks I adjusted and became increasingly happy to be pregnant. I now have a 6 month old and could not be happier that he is in my life.

Give yourself a few weeks to adjust and see how you feel x

Ladies, thank you again xx

You wanted and were actively trying for a baby for a year. If you only decided last month that you'd stop trying and have now found out you're pregnant, it's a huge mental turnaround to be so devastated by the idea. Do you think you'd perhaps benefit from some counselling to talk through your feelings/fears?

I have been undecided for 9 years after the birth of our first daughter. Partly due to a traumatic first birth, being busy with getting financial stability, enjoying life 2+1. I only decided to try for another one to make sure that our beloved daughter has a sibling as we stay away from our families who live abroad. I really didn't feel it deep inside how I felt first time round when I really wanted to have a baby. This time I was really hesitant. We were not trying but not avoiding either. But I had days when I really didn't want and asked him to pull out. It took us 4 years to conceive. I actually started making plans because getting pregnant after my 39bday was not an option. Got pregnant now at the age of 37 during the first week of my new job and just 2 weeks before lockdown. I think I reached a similar crisis point at around 7 weeks, crying, being upset, and checking for blood when wiping. I just felt that the time was not right when you see what's happening with covid and you have a new job. But I got over it. At 10 weeks I started feeling better about the situation. I am slowly adjusting to the new normal. And a new normal is simply delaying some plans for a year or two. Stay positive.

Kamie..ignore immeyshed comment. I get the feeling that you want to keep the baby. My daughter was in turmoil this time last year and is now soo in love ..go with your instinct 💕

I accidentally fell pregnant at 42. I was absolutely devastated. Thought my life was going to end. I suffered in side for 7 months, convincing people everything was ok but inside I was thinking about ridiculous things like having the baby in secret then dumping him. I finally broke down and saw my Gp who referred me to the mental health team. They diagnosed ante natal depression. I still wasn’t wholly convinced before his birth that o could cope with another baby but as soon as he was delivered and took his first breath I swear a gush of love took over and I instantly fell in love. He’s 6 now and I can honestly say he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He has made my life complete. I ended up having a complete career change due to him as I realised while on mat leave my job had been so stressful and had made me so unhappy. I now have an amazing job and beautiful boy. Hope my story helps you see life doesn’t always go as planned but you can be happy!

Not the same situation but some similarities - my husband and i decided to try for a baby late last year and got pregnant very quickly. i always wanted one baby and when i found out we were having twins it was such a total shock to me. my husband was thrilled but i had similar thoughts to you - the life i had planned was ruined, i found myself reading about vanishing twin syndrome and secretly thinking what a relief that would be and the guilt of that thought was so horrendous. for weeks i couldn't see a single positive outcome of having twins.

one night i woke my husband up and just sobbed and sobbed at him, told him how i was feeling, even the awful things, and he was so supportive and held me. just talking to him instead of bottling up all those negative thoughts really helped me. i was still worried and stressed about it but knowing that he didn't think i was a horrible person despite such awful thoughts really took some pressure off me while the shock wore off. i'm now 29 weeks and, while still a bit terrified, i am excited to meet my babies and envisioning the life we'll have, even if it's different to the one i planned.

it's really possible that you're just working your way through the shock of such a huge life change when you had thought it was going to go differently, and you need a bit more time to process.

talking it through with someone out loud - either your OH or perhaps a midwife - might help you to process those feelings the way it did me.

best of luck to you and your family x

One of my friends was like this but it was the best thing to happen to her. I remember being devastated I'd had a miscarriage and she was devastated she was pregnant

They all adore the youngest and now oldest a have left home she has a new lease of life. She doesn't regret it for a second. Your daughter will love her new baby.